Thread: Thebigspendurs Weekly Shaving Brainbuster #16

Good morning shaving fiends

I was in town yesterday and while there ran into Jethro’s cousin Billy Bob. He lives out in the desert in the middle of nowhere by himself right on the Texas border. He used to be married but his wife, Cheatara was out in the desert harvesting cactus and she was attacked and eaten by a mountain lion. The poor guy never really recovered from it.

He said he was having trouble with his water supply because the state told him they had to divert the water in the river to the State of Texas (those no account polecat Federal Courts siding with the Texans) so they diverted all the water.

He tried to buy some dynamite to blow a little hole in the dam but they wouldn’t sell it to him, some law about selling to people who are insane or something like that. I told him Jethro was telling me the other day he had some explosives behind the house (the new one that was just rebuilt). So I took him over to jethro and jethro says yea I’ve got this bomb that fell out of a plane years ago and I’m sure we can either get the explosives out or just set it off.

So we go out the back of the house and Jethro says here it is. I said that doesn’t look like any bomb I’ve ever seen before. It’s not long and thin it’s huge and fat with all kinds of funny markings on it. So we all get it hoisted into the truck and drive all the way over to Billy Bob’s place. So we set it up near the dam. I said you’d better be careful that dam holds miles of water behind it. I said we’ll be back once we do some research don’t touch it until then. So we left him there and headed back. We stopped in the town off the lake just the other side of the Texas Border to get some groceries and all of a sudden hear this thunderous explosion and see this huge mushroom cloud. Then we hear sirens and police going by saying the dam was destroyed by terrorists and to evacuate and they used an atomic bomb and we’re under attack.

I told jethro he shouldn’t have given that thing to that damn fool. I don’t know how he set it off. Lucky we got to high ground before the water hit and buried the whole town.

Jethro wanted to go down and pick up some shells from the beach once the tidal wave passed. He said it reminded him when he was a kid and worked in Australia serving drinks onboard fishing boats. They deported him because he destroyed a mile of the Great Barrier Reef looking for the perfect MOP for some project he was thinking about.

So we got back to the house and these guys are waiting for us. They had already arrested most of the crew as terrorists but after questioning realized they were too dumb to plan anything so they let them go besides that damn goat was looking at one of them Government Men kind of funny (if you know what I mean) and he was starting to get nervous. Additionally Jethro started complaining about when the bomb fell out of the plane it did all kinds of damage and he was thinking about getting a lawyer. They left fast.

Cletus says he got some spare depleted uranium stock when he worked as a janitor at Los Alamos a few years ago. He showed it to me and some of it was depleted but the rest was marked U-235. I told him, you idiot you want to kill everybody? That stuff is radioactive. It’s a good thing those guys didn’t see this when they were here. He said not to worry its been sold and the guys will be here to pick it up tomorrow. I said who did you sell it to? He said some guys from South Texas. I said how do you know they’re from South Texas. He said because they talk funny. I said what’s the guys name. He said he didn’t remember but he’s Irish because it has a O in it something like O Sama and he says he lives in the desert.

Jethro said we’ll have to go back and look for Billy Bob. Billy Bob probably survived because those Texans are like ****roaches, nothing can kill them. I said say what? Why you insulting those fine folks from Texas like that? That ain’t right. Jethro said look who’s talking what side of the family are you from coming from NEW-YORK- CITY. Talk about varmints well I just heard our president on the radio, Rush Limbaugh saying its you guys who started all this mess anyway. Every time I put those spikes strips out to stop the UPS truck to rob it, its empty. People ain’t got no money to order anything. I said you’d better take it back. He said you guys are almost as lame as those people from Oklahoma and Auntie came running out saying I heard that, you insulting my family as she welded her rolling pin and jethro said why no Maa you misunderstood me er.. I said it’s those people from New Mexico and Cletus came over and said you insulting me why say hello to Mr Razor Paa. Festus comes over and says your all wrong it’s those people from Colorado, thems the worst bunch. The next thing I know were all rolling on the ground fists flying, kicking, screaming.

All of a sudden I feel this hot breath and look up and it’s that bear. He says I’m from Colorado and I heard that and I’m gonna eat all of you. (well, he didn’t really say that but I know what he was thinking) Auntie starts flailing him with the rolling pin and jethro starts clubbing him with his Louisville Slugger and that goat starts ramming him from behind (if you know what I mean). That bear took off real fast. We got up laughing; it was all in good clean fun anyway.

So, on to this weeks shaving brainbuster which is more in the fantasy realm.

Yes that cloud of radioactivity is drifting towards the ranch.
Will the radiation help a razor to shave better? Maybe it can burn the whiskers right off your face. How about if we sell some radioactive shave cream, no one has to know what the secret ingredient is. Cletus says this has given him an idea and is making some straights out of depleted uranium. Do you think they would make a good razor? How would you hone one? I told him he should make a straight from the U-235 and give it to Mr O Sama as a personal gift. He’ll be a hero. Do you think Mr O Sama shaves with a straight? Do you think Billy Bob survived the detonation? Do you think I’m running out of stories? One answer I’ll give you right now is no, I got more stories than the hairs being shed by a cheap badger shave brush.

Be sure to check back on Wednesday for the radioactive answers and don’t forget about the holiday giveaway.

Radiation destroys hair follicles so use a radioactive razor and radioactive shaving cream long enough and there's no hair left to shave off.
Depleted uranium is hard enough to be used to make a razor. It is also heavy, so only those with an athletic body should use it.

I don't think O Sama shaves at all. If you offer him a razor he will take you to a sharia court and the death sentence will be executed with the very razor you offered him.

Billy Bob will be watching us from the stars.

Again, the legendary Chronik Raises its legendary head.

The Legend Continues!!!!

Radioactivity would be great for shave cream unfortunately it would either kill you now or later or turn you sterile so I wouldn't use it but I would give a U-235 razor to Mr. O sama. He probably doesn't shave though but he probably trims his beard. It would be too hard to fashion and shave with a depleted Uranum razor though Cletus is highly skilled so I'm sure he could do it but none of you could maintain one. As far as Billy Bob surviving the blast, you never know, you know what they say, fortune favors the foolish.

Stay tuned next week for more hair raising adventures in the shaving brainbuster. Jethro asked me if I wanted to go to the Albuquerque International Balloon Fiesta. I said sure why not what could possibly happen there? Balloons, propane tanks and that family. Har Har.

I would not trust Jethro at a balloon fiesta. With his fascination for razors of exotic raw materials he might be tempted to cut to pieces the very balloons he has come to watch with his latest acquisition.