Thread: Mr....'s hebdomadal tonsorial interrogatory.

Greetings and felicitations fellow shaving cohorts:

Good morning.

Yes I have been perusing this esteemed internet site for some time now and you all seem to be individuals of impeccable character and are of a high order of intelligence. It is a true honour addressing you. You see, my friend, the one who goes by the nom de plume of “thebigspendur” suffered an unfortunate accident. He was upon a sojourn one lovely evening after having returned from his recuperation at our physician’s facility and while in operation of his motor coach as he turned a corner a rather large bovine appeared in front of him on the motorway causing him to lose control of his coach thereby contacting the side of a Geomorphologic Protuberance. The coach, being of vintage nature and lacking all safety devices, he was ejected through the wind screen and dashed to the pavement. The bovine then attacked him numerous times before fleeing like the cowardly creature he is. He now rests in an extended care facility and we are in hope of his full recovery.

He asked that I continue this discourse with you my dear friends. Allow me the humble opportunity to make a formal introduction to you. I am from the Northern Woods of the Great Country of Canada where up until a few months ago I lived with my family. At one time we ranged throughout the world but our leaders embarked on a noble but foolish experiment which led to catastrophe for us all. You see, in times past there existed this race of violent, uncivilized monkeys. Mostly, they were our pets and we treated them admirably. Our chief scientists made the decision to rearrange their DNA sequencing resulting in a new race of creatures we called Homo Sapiens. Before we knew it they revolted against us and repaid our kindness and generosity with treachery and with their propensity towards violence not only towards all living things but also their own species they conquered the world. We had to flee into the darkest corners of the world in an act of self preservation. However little do they know when we designed them we built a routine into their genetic makeup so with the proper stimulation they will destroy themselves. Unfortunately we misplaced that formula but once we relocate it we will once again regain out true place in history.

So now I had to leave my beloved home. We voted and we planned and it was decided I would find a deserving Human family and go with them to observe. Unfortunately something must have gone amiss because I don’t remember the Human race going so awry so as to produce a population of such dimwitted, defective, pitiful creatures as I see before me.

Yes, they call me Mr. Sasquatch and I am the one who knows everything.

I promised I would relate to you what has transpired and conduct the hebdomadal tonsorial interrogatory.
Commerce has lagged this week at our tonsorial parlour so I have passed the time experimenting with guided rockets of my own design. I launched one and when it reentered the atmosphere it landed in the middle of the town. The local bumpkins thought it was an extraterrestrial artifact and have begun to pray to it as their new God. Yes it is very amusing to watch and I derive much pleasure in observing the antics of these misanthropes. The deviant they call “preacher” turned the site into some sickly alter and gives succor to his sycophants there.

The rodents referred to as badgers by these creatures have related to me they have a plan to make these humans pay dearly for all the suffering they have inflicted upon these dear little loveable mammals. However, alas, I have been enjoined by them so I am not at liberty to divulge its contents to you at the present time.

The local constabulary is seeking the services of an experienced policeman as the former succumbed to his unfortunate accident at the sanitation facility the other week. My good Simian compatriots known by the crude and disrespectful names of “the shaving chimp and singing chimp” have tasked me to develop a new line of gentlemen’s shaving accoutrements. They are made from the rarest of natural essences found in the farthest reaches of the Canadian wilderness.

The Tonsorial Cerebral interrogative for this week will require you to answer two questions. First to test your intellect, what is my first name? (a hint-it is the same as a famous trickster that can be found in what you call a “comic book” of immense fame) Second, can a Sapphire Crystal be fashioned into a straight razor blade and if it can what characteristics would it have?

On Friday I will instruct all of you on exactly how to make such a razor with just common materials found commonly around a dwelling. I pray you will be here on time for the start of the instruction.

Until then vaya con dios shaving diehards and remember we’re watching you.




Yes, if I may say so myself I am a dashingly handsome devil, am I not?

Welcome back fellow shaving compatriots.

As I promised I have returned to instruct all of you how to make the best most technologically advanced shaver a mere human could ever experience.

However I am chagrined no one tried to guess my first name. It is Mzyzptlk. I realize it is beyond your feeble human intellect to pronounce it.

Well, on to my instruction but I must chastise you for being late.

The ingredients:

First you must provide 1 flawless 5000 carat natural sapphire
second you need one industrial laser cutter
third you will need a deluxe CNC Machine
fourth you will need...what do I hear from the audience? I said things you might commonly find around the home. Yes but I didn't say your home. We have these things in our homes.

So none of you have these rudimentary devices? Well then I can't continue, I'm shocked at the state of Human progress. Why you all might just as well still be living in the trees.

I am told Mr Spendur will return this weekend to continue this repast with you. Now I must retire to my laboratory to continue my quest to invent faster than light speed travel.



Yes I am an exceedingly handsome, dashing chap to be modest.