Thread: Thebigspendurs Weekly Shaving Brainbuster #43

Good Morning Shaving Fiends

Well, it’s good things have kind of settled down around these parts and are getting back to normal. We were out on maneuvers and this time we took the hounds with us and they got a scent on that dirty, no good, sanctimonious, beef on a hoof bull. We finally tracked him across the county and caught him in the act of chewing the support wires on the cable bridge that goes across kitty gorge (it’s called that because folks like to throw their unwanted cats from it into the river below). Jethro was ready for him and used him for target practice with his napalm powered flame thrower. Yep we had the best barbeque the counties seen in years.

I noticed this weird collection of metal objects in the center of the town and these weird looking folks gathered around. Eustace told me it was that space things the ape sent into space. The Preached turned it into some kind of alter and not only does he hold services there with his serpents but these strange looking people are starting to turn up in town to get advice and counseling from the preacher and Miss Hogslopper slinks around without any clothes on. The sheriff warned them but personally I think he’s afraid of him.

I’ve been running the shop the last few days. Jethro had to go to Oklahoma. You remember his relations? The ones with all the youngans? I guess their place was hit by some freak dust storm or something and why they was just blowed away. There ain’t a trace they ever existed. Jethro as the closest living relative had to go and put their affairs in order. He went through the rubble where the farm was situated and there was this trap door and it led to a cave and it led to some tunnel which seemed to go on forever. Jethro is keeping it a secret. When Mr Sasquatch heard about it he became all excited. So he’s gonna go there and figure out what’s what. I said to him, you know something about this and he said you figure it out and I said figure what out you seem to know what’s going on and he said when you can pronounce my first name I’ll give you a hint what’s going on out there.

I went out to the old mine yesterday with Cletus and Mr Sasquatch. That’s where he gets the ore to make his razors and other implements. We spied this black helicopter and I was sure it was that Mr Vice President guy. I said to Cletus that’s impossible why we saw that monkey lop his head clean off. Mr Sasquatch said you mean you didn’t figure that one out either. I said stop playing games with me he said I don’t play games. He said you should have known he’s an automaton. I said , he’s a what? An awtohom…autum what you mean? He said there are plenty of them they just keep bringing new ones out when they need them.

Do any of you know what he’s talking about cause I don’t and all this is given me a powerful headache.

Well, at least Mr Sasquatch is gone for a little while so things will be less complicated around here. He’s getting to be a big pain in the butt.

On the way back home I stopped at Cyrus’s place to talk to his wife to find out what’s going on with him. She said when she went to visit him they had him in this padded room all bound up. Apparently this all started with that incident with those space aliens and that Mr Vice President guy. He had told her they stuck all kinds of probes in his body and took samples and this Vice President guy was directing them. He overheard them saying they want to develop a virus to make humans so stupid they’ll just make themselves extinct and then they can just land and take over and that Mr Vice President would be given a little land and be made El Supremo. They picked Cyrus because he was their prototype for how stupid people would have to be and our town had so many people like that they could observe how things play out without having to do anything.

When I got home the missus said there was someone waiting to see me. It was one of those pesky badgers with a badge. He said “I heard you bought a new BADGER brush, is that a fact”? I said well you must of heard wrong and he said now don’t you go lying to me your already in big trouble now. He said I’m going to have to fine you. I started laughing and said fine me? Why you can’t fine anybody your just a..well…rodent. Why I could see the hairs stand up on his back. He said you’ll be sorry and left. As he left I yelled, maybe you’d like to take home some barb-e-qued beef for your friends.

In the first of the 1 year celebration competitions the first person who can tell me 5 true important facts about Mr Sasquatch will win an unused tub of QED Violetta ultra limited edition Glycerin based shave soap. The starting time is NOW and will last until I get the winning answer.

True important facts about Mr Sasquatch? I'll give it a shot--

• He has been compared to the Dubl Duck Napoleon, in that pictures are fuzzy and there is speculation that Thebigspendurs has him hidden away in his basement.
• He's nine feet tall and strong enough to throw two grown men around and bend a gun barrel.
•*The mental image of him shaved in the back of an SUV makes me suspect brainbuster #30 was a Geicko ad in disguise.
•*He uses a microtome because he has to be shaved all over, not just on his face.
•*He doesn't have a driver's license and doesn't mind riding in the back of a pickup. The former fact might be because nobody can spell or pronounce his name, which he writes "Mzyzptlk."
•*He is sworn protector of the badgers. He knows their plan to get revenge on humans for using their hair in our shaving equipment.
•*He can't stand the sight of blood. Probably because he has tough skin that doesn't get cut often.
•*He claims to be the Grandson of Mao Tse Tung and is in the USA on a mission to take over the country.
•*A monitoring chip was implanted in him by the government.
• He has to use a big razor because he has some big hands.
•*He claims to be from both the Northern Woods of Canada and the communist kakistocracy of China.
•*He knows everything. Or at least claims to.

Dear shaving compatriot:

The originator of this alleged contest has requested that I answer the responses, afterall, who to judge but the subject of the contest.

In your response you have stated several correct facts about me however you have also stated several incorrect facts and in my view each incorrect factoid negates a true one.

Therefore my recommendation is that you have not won this contest.

Sincerely yours
The one who knows everything.

Hey wait a minute I didn't give that big galoot authorization to post here. Just because he did that one weeks episode now he thinks he's going to take over. Give em an inch and they take a mile.

No decisions have been made yet.

Now I'm going to go smell that heavenly soap before I have to send it off to some lucky devil. (you all know that was a once in a lifetime soap creation and is very famous. Over at that other forum guys sell it for a mint easily)

No body want the violetta shave soap? sniff, sniff. No other entrants then this first guy is gonna get it by default.

Ok I will give this a shot

Mr Sasquatch was once arrested for "threatening" the President of the United States by the FBI but passed his lie detector test with flying colors


Mr Sasquatch has to administer Valium to the shaving monkey every morning before the shop opens to keep the monkey calm. (decision was made after shave monkey flipped out over a French Shave manual he couldn't understand)


Mr Sasquatch has received a straight razor shave from the shaving monkey

Mr Sasquatch once bent a 12 gauge rifle around 2 Immigration guards when they wanted to see his drivers license. Mr Sasquatch does not have one

Well, someone once said if a mod answers we assume they are of extra high intelligence and so the bar should be higher but around these parts we don't discriminate against nobody so this time the Lady wins.

PM me with your full mailing address and I'll send the soap your way next week.

Be sure to check out the next installment of the brainbuster but bring your respirators.

I will freely admit I did a bit of research and digging through past brainbusters to come up with a few things. Staying with the spirit of the give away celebrations I ask that you sent this the soap to the give away dude to be included in a future monthly give away. Thank you for the thought provoking posts each week. It's a always a pleasure to read the lastest chapter in your family saga