Thread: Thebigspendurs Weekly Shaving Brainbuster #48

Good Morning shaving Fiends

Wow I’m excited. I’m sitting on the front porch and those fellas from the electric cooperative are out there and now we’re gonna get electricity. I won’t have to depend on that old solar cell technology with all those batteries and hot water and that big wind turbine. That salesman said to just junk all that stuff cause now we’re gonna get real pure reliable juice. Now we’ll have the latest with those wires just bringing the juice right into the house. Not only that but the electricity is generated by rocks from the earth. Now how cool is that. I told the missus now we can have a real refrigerator. They say the new ones shoot ice right out at you. Eustace told me he has his Sears Catalogue and they have these boxes that transmit pictures over the air. Maybe I’ll get me one of those. Maybe I’ll buy me one of those dang computers. Eustace told me which one to buy and make sure I get the latest technology. He said make sure I buy a..uh…I think he said Commodore 64.

Well I knew those big brown guys were a fixen to get even with us for the skirmish we had but I didn’t think they would stoop so low as to do what theys done. Apparently Big Brown has the contract to move all that oil from the gulf and they’re sending it all to us. They think it’s gonna make our home a mess but it don’t matter. We’re just dumping it all in the Rio Grande and sending it all to Texas-Har Har. Some of the real liquid stuff we put in a tank and when those UPS guys come to deliver and stop at the trough restaurant to eat we’re putting it in the crankcase of their trucks.

Well I was sitting under the apple tree trying to figure out the answer to that math problem from a couple weeks ago and I noticed Mephistopheles honing up his hooves and he came over and said having problems? (well of course he can’t talk but I could tell what he was thinking) and I said Sasquatch didn’t leave the answer and I’m in a jam now. He looked at the problem and said you humans are pretty dumb not to be able to figure that out. He said back on the stud farm that’s the first thing they learn so the humans don’t cheat them out of grub. So I said if you’re so smart gimme the answer. He said I don’t have any hands and I can’t write. He said of course for the right price I can trace the solution out with my hooves and pound out the answer or you can just look like a fool in your dumb shaving site.

So I said what you want. He said first he and the Corporal have become buddies and he wants his name changed to the Sergeant. Then he wants a bushel of carrots for himself. I said that’s highway robbery. Then he says I know where you stashed that fancy French perfume. He had me over a barrel so I had to agree to his terms. But this ain’t over. It was only later I found out the badgers were given the answer. I don’t know what was worse having to grovel to the badgers or be made a fool of by some dumb horse.

After that was settled I had to stop over by the clan’s place and while the missus was exchanging recipes with Auntie I was jawing to Festus and he was all excited. He was on the computer at the county library and said he had stumbled on this SRP site and some guy was talking about this new pre shave lotion and he ordered quarts of the stuff and he had tried it on baaaby and she loved it and he did too. He said he was going to alter it a bit and relabel it and sell it for 10x the price as a health item and make a fortune. I looked at it. It smelled terrible. He said he would test market the stuff at the shop and see how the customers reacted to it. So we took it to the shop and the chimps said it smelled even worse then that fancy French aftershave I had. They said they treat their customers right and would never use that stuff on them

Last time I told you Jethro and Sasquatch were in Oklahoma and they found this secret tunnel under his cousins house and Auntie said she got a call from Jethro and he said..call…but we ain’t got no phones right? Well Sasquatch got tired of being in the dark all the time and not being able to call his relations so he built a Satellite Phone. I don’t know how it works but it’s all free and they took one with them and left one at the clan’s compound.

At any rate…em…what was I saying…oh yea the tunnel. Well she said the tunnel broke into two and one went east and the other west. So Jethro followed the west tunnel and it wound up in Mexico. I guess they were using it to smuggle these Illegal Aliens into this country. No wonder they could afford all these fancy farm machinery and that private landing strip next to the house with those fancy jet aeroplanes. I guess they was also bringing in that quality Mexican Weed because that was stockpiled all over the place.

Sasquatch took the other tunnel and you know where it led? Why it led to…

Festus said since he was using the Computer at the County Library he was getting pretty good at it and he had already registered on that SRP site as Goatman and he was gonna set himself up as a vendor and sell the weed off that site but he needed some code to get around those nosy pesky moderators. I told him to get me a list of them moderators and I’ll send them some of this lotion as a gift and it will probably put them all out of action for weeks and we’ll have a free hand to sell the stuff.

So the brainbuster for this week concerns Cletus’s latest invention. He invented an electric semi automatic self honing straight razor. He hand forged this gorgeous Damascus steel and after pounding it out into layers for weeks Har Har it came from china via Pakistan and then he peed on it and left it in the sun a couple months to create the pattern. Then he mined from local quarries the most rare finishing stones this side of Belgium Har Har they made from hardened sewage sludge and then got a German made 16 pole synchronous motor operating at 1600 rpm Har Har he had some old motors he got out of some Cracker Jack Boxes when he was a kid when they used to have real prizes in them.

So he took all these things and made the razor like a frameback and the motor causes the blade to swing back and forth in the frame and with each pass the blade is honed and you just glide it down your face and since the blade is spring mounted using the finest in Silver Steel Spring Material Har Har it’s from old rusty bed springs the blade just hugs your face to give you the closest shave possible.
So the question is do you want to be the first to test the new razor. If you do just say so and we’ll give you the details and requirements.

Oh and the brainbuster question? Cletus isn’t sure what grit “hone” to use in the contraption. Should he use a 12K or go all the way up to a 33K. (there will be an extra charge if it’s a 33K) Also how much pressure should he set the razor to exert on your face? We think 500lbs per square inch is about right. What do you think?

Check back on Friday for the electric semi automatic self honing answers.

Oh and Jethro says that fella who won that 2duck strop better not use it. Jethro never told me he soaked it with nitro glycerine. Why just a few strokes on that and it’ll blow that fella to Kingdom come. Now who was that fella…err…gomer or gloomy or gunnar, hmm.

How come readin' yor stories always makes my head hurt?

Originally Posted by nun2sharp

How come readin' yor stories always makes my head hurt?

That's on account of the fact that you think too much. You must be one of those city slickers.

Well, never mind the answers guys. Cletus was just contacted by someone from Gillette. After seeing his invention they bought it for 10 million dollars. It terrified them.