Thread: Thebigspendurs Weekly Shaving Brainbuster #49

Good morning shaving fiends.

We’ve been testing out that automatic straight razor in the shop this week. The Chimp didn’t want to use it so I’ve been given some shaves. (Since Cletus signed an exclusive contract with Gillette we’re not supposed to be using it but he made a few samples) Heck it ain’t hard to do. I just run it up and down their faces and necks until they start a hollering or the blood spurts out. We have the town “paramedic” right next door so if there’s an emergency he comes right over to rectify the situation…that is if he’s sober or not in jail or out on a “call” at Miss Hogslopper’s. The only issue with the device is it’s kind of heavy and clumsy and I haven’t figured out how to manipulate it around those things that stick out on your face like your ears and nose and lips. Why just yesterday I was shaving one of those Hippie types and shaved his left earlobe clean off. He was so stoned he didn’t feel a thing. At the end he gave me an extra tip for the body piercing I did- Har Har. The contraption has an electric eye (designed by Sasquatch) and it sees your beard and adjusts the motor accordingly but the whiskers and cream get on it and it can’t see and it sends the motor into super mode and starts vibrating like a chain saw. Cletus says he and Sasquatch are going to team up and invent a laser straight next. One of the high jacked parcels he has contains a medical laser and he’s gonna hook it up so it just burns the whiskers off your face. Sasquatch is working on the auto sensor for it.
Well, two weeks ago I told you about that tunnel and they hadn’t seen Mr Sasquatch. He finally came up and boy he was mad. He had all this red-brown sticky stuff all over him. He said apparently they started this tunnel to siphon off oil from wells without the companies ever noticing and they got carried away and dug out under the ocean and when they broke into the well it cause some powerful explosion and the company rig blew up and caught fire and that’s why they have this whole mess in the Gulf of Mexico. Mr Sasquatch said he tried to call that Obama fellow and tell him how to stop the oil but he’s real mad at Sasquatch on account of being embarrassed on account of him. He said not to worry because that Mr Vice President guy assured him he would take charge and control the whole thing.

I had a few chores to do around the ranch and was covering up the dynamite Jethro had dropped off that he brought back from Oklahoma and I notice the Sergeant was standing behind me just looking. I could see his eyes were just rolling around in his head. I said what’s going on with you. He said he was by the Badger City and they want that French Aftershave out of there and they threatened him by taking a whiff and he passed out. I told him to tell his buddies we’d get it out of there later this week.

The missus was telling me she was over talking to Auntie the other day and they were planning the big summer vacation. She said when she kept calling these posh resorts like Motel 6 and Super 8 they told her they didn’t want us there. They told her we were on some black list. Now if the list was black how do you read it anyway? She said she found out they have these man-made islands in the Gulf of Mexico and they are vacant now and we could rent one for a few days and have the place to ourselves and we could swim and fish all we want. We just had to promise not to mess with the equipment-har har. I said that sounds like a great idea. Why Festus was happy because he can take Baaaby with us. He said she loves to frolic in the water. He also said since he joined that SRP site and made so many friends he was gonna ask if we could stay with some of them. I said yes there’s this bigspendur fella. He’s the richest guy in the world and if we can stay with him just think of all the stuff we can steal from him. Cletus said I heard Shapton made a special monogrammed custom set of hones trimmed with diamonds just for him. Jethro said I heard he went to Japan and bought an entire hone collection from some guy named Iwasaki. Auntie said she heard he had bought a Coticule mine in Belgium.

I saw the Sergeant looking in the window. I said you’re staying home. One of the badgers was standing in the doorway. He said yea we heard that guy has one of the biggest badger brush collections in the world so we have a score to settle with him.

I went out to change the oil on the Studebaker and all of a sudden all these guys rush me. They’re wearing these spacesuits and they want to know where the secret weapon was. I said Oh you mean that fancy French Aftershave. I just directed them to the badger city. I guess they went out there and they started digging and the badgers attacked in force. Why I could hear all the yelling from here. They had to bring in helicopters and get those boys out of there. The Sheriff told me he seen some of them and they was tored up something horrible and then they started lobbing those bottles at them. The ones with the suits on that weren’t all chewed on were able to get out of there but the others (they say) will be contaminated for life and will never be able to rejoin society ever again. There’s talk they’re gonna make them live with us.

That reminds me, Vasoline has recuperated fully from his terrible assault at the hands of big brown. He’s back on his patrol duties. He says he’s gonna contact the maker of that fancy French aftershave and get a license to make it here and go out and wage guerilla war on Big brown.

So the brainbuster for this week is this. Since we’re going on vacation on the ocean how do we protect our straight razors from the ocean air and salt? What do we do? Also can we boil up some seawater to shave with?

Check back on Friday for the salty answers.

On my way to work, I asked a retired pirate what he did to protect his razors when he was out at sea. He said that he would dip them in a mix of shark blood & rum, then wrap them up in seaweed. He didn't tell me the blood to rum ratio, so you'll have to figure that out on your own.

Or you could ask Mr. Sasquatch if he has any of that red-brown sticky stuff left, I'm pretty sure your blade would be well protected with that. Cleaning your razor would be a bit of an issue, maybe you could try gasoline.

As for boiling the seawater for shaving, I doubt that's a good idea. Assuming that you cooled it before using it, if you cut yourself you'll be hollering from the increased salt content. You can try & condense the vapor from you boiling process & use that instead, it should feel nice. But that sounds complicated. Just use fresh water instead.

Hope this helps,
Glenn.

Originally Posted by thebigspendur

So the brainbuster for this week is this. Since we’re going on vacation on the ocean how do we protect our straight razors from the ocean air and salt? What do we do? Also can we boil up some seawater to shave with?

Check back on Friday for the salty answers.

As for shave soap a salt water product does exist...
Sailor SoapTM (Sailor Soap™ is a biodegradable, concentrated cleanser for face, hair and body, that both lathers and rinses in salt water!).

But a better SPF solution is to grow whiskers
until it rains. Then in a bucket of rain water grab
your favorite seal fur shaving brush and have at
it with a puck of MWF. Long gone are the days
of saponified whale fat the best shave soap on
the seven seas as told to me by Captain Ahab

Better to hold out for a calm sea... but if you have a
hot date in port... Shave down strokes when the boat rolls down.
Up strokes when the boat rolls up and XTG when tacking up wind.

Rust prevention is harder to address. But dipping the
blade in a slather of coconut oil or Crisco works. After
shaving my monokini clad ship mate strops her razor lightly
on her long supple legs. The sun tan oil brightens up
my day and rust or no rust I think that is the right way. I
can always send the blade to Glen for a buffing run if needed.

That new Gulf low sulfur brown oil may work for rust protection
but even the smell of that nasty Lilac Vegetal stuff will not cut
the smell.

Well, Cheech from sleepy Hollow, N.Y said we should catch a Sperm Whale and drill a hole in his head to get his oil.

Gomer from Kutztown, Pa said we should catch some Cod Fish and get their oil

Goose from Moscow idaho said we should just scoop the oil out of the water.

We're just gonna put some badger slobber on the razors. It's the best protectant in the world.

As to the salt water it's great. it makes your face very slippery as long as you don't cut yourself and if you do it cleans the wound right up.

Be sure to check back Saturday we're going new car shopping.