Thread: Thebigspendurs and Utopians Weekly Shaving Brainbuster #54

Good morning shaving fiends

Well Cletus and I were still trying to figure out what was causing that horrible odor which kept getting stronger and stronger and then I saw Mr Sasquatch lurking around and I went up to him and said I thought you was with the women how did you get back here so fast and he’s just looking at me kind of strange and Cletus starts berating him for smelling so bad and then I notice he’s shrunk about a foot and he’s got a pair of uh hem on his chest and then Cletus taps me on the shoulder and says look there’s Sasquatch on the other side of the stream here and I said we’ll if that’s Sasquatch who’s this and the next thing I knew we’re both flying through the air and landed in the swamp and some gator starts a chasing us.

Well, we got back to the camp and told everyone the story and Jethro starts making fun at us saying we was intoxicated and I told him we only drank a pint each of that moonshine but Sasquatch got this funny look in his eyes and vanished into the forest. We’ll we recovered our heavy artillery and went back to the scene but there was nothing there but some footprints. We followed them and sure enough we found Mr Sasquatch and he had found hisself a girlfriend. I said what’s this? He said it’s what you humans call the swamp creature but it just another branch of our species. Unfortunately when we went into the northern woods and developed a superior intellect and society these dullards came here and just wallowed in their misery but he said she has promise so we’ll just take her with us. I said now just wait a minute here what do you think this is some traveling menagerie or something. He said you humans are pretty close to that.

We went back to the camp and after some dinner and some moonshine and some chaws of Tobacco well, we was all friends again and I must say madam Sasquatch know how to cook some fine vittles. Why I never seen someone so adapt at hunting down grubs and maggots and making the most delicious meal out of them. She kept looking at the badgers licking her chops.

Well the next morning we packed up and hit the road again and that satellite phone went off and it was Festus and he had just met with the President of Iran. He had asked Festus for advice on whether to build more nuclear bombs and he took Festus to some top secret facility accompanied by about 20 goats but the goats had to wear burqas and they couldn’t see too good and during the tour they knocked some top scientists into a pool of radioactive water and they all got contaminated and became deformed and ran off into the desert but Festus said not to worry because he would direct the country’s nuclear program.
Well auntie had seen this brochure about this neat place to go visit, some farm which had the world’s biggest cowpie so we stopped off and stood around looking at this thing and I noticed out of the corner of my eye this massive bull just giving me that look. I went over to him and said what you staring at and he said (well of course he can’t talk but I know what he wanted to say) that he was named Brutus and he wanted to know if I was the guy who did in the General. I said how you know about that? He said that’s was my little brother. Well I was already inching away from him damn where’s Sasquatch when you need him. I said err.. here have some jerky. He said that smells like my brother. The next thing I knew I was about twenty feet in the air and then he started stomping all over me.

I spent the night in the infirmary luckily the injuries weren’t too bad two broken arms, four broken ribs,collapsed lung,concussion and the worst part was when I landed on the ground I fell right in that giant cowpie and almost drowned. The last we heard Brutus was missing and his owner is blaming us for his going missing. The shaving chimp told me he saw the badger talking to him earlier but he doesn’t know what he told him.

Well, while I was recuperating the group set up camp outside of town and outside my window at the infirmary is a field and I keep seeing the bull out there and he’s just looking at me.

The missus says the group is just spending their time relaxing and Sasquatch is getting to know his new friend better (if you know what I mean) and hopefully in another couple of days I’ll be out of here and we can continue with our vacation. The missus says she has a list of places she wants to see.

Jethro told me they went this morning to some wet shaving convention or something like that at a hotel not too far away. There was this guy giving some pointers on honing and the shaving chimp didn’t like what he was saying and grabbed the hone and hit this poor fella over the head with it knocking him out. It turned out it was some stone from Belgium 2 feet long and the biggest one every found. Too bad it broke into 5 pieces when it hit that fella.

There was another fella they called the shaving guru and he was practicing how to shave someone by using a model and the chimps didn’t like that so they grabbed this fella and held him down while the shaving chimp shaved him. Not only did he shave his full beard off but he also shaved all the hair off of his head too. Afterall how can a fella with a full beard be a shaving guru anyhow?

Then some guy was showing how to use a block of Alum but baaaby ate it. There was some fella they called the badger king there. He had a collection of over 100 badger hair brushes. The badgers confiscated all his brushes and issued him a summons to report to the badger city and he kicked the badger about 30 feet. The next thing you know the doors swing open and baaaby let Brutus in and he broke up the whole place and stomped a few people. The badgers left riding atop of Brutus with all those brushes. Cletus told me there was some guy showing off this priceless straight razor owned by some guy called Louie the 14th (now why would you call yourself Louie the 14th anyway) it had these jewels encrusted all over the scales. Apparently Baaaby hit him from behind on accident of course and the razor broke in two on the floor and the scales crumbled and guys were diving for all those precious jewels.

So the shaving brainbuster for this week, well now how am I going to shave with my straight with two broken arms? Can someone tell me that? Yea and you smart alec out there don’t tell me to use my feet.

Check back on Friday for the fractured answer.

Atila from Cranberry, New Jersey wrote in to say that since you got this utopian Dude writing this thing with you now have him come over and shave you.

Oh God! They have joined forces......we are sooo screwed!

Brutus from Muleshoe, Texas wrote in to say don't worry about the broken arms when I get done with you you'll be needing a new....

Boris from Novosibirsk wrote in to say he's been waiting for this to happen to someone for years. He has an invention which mounts around your neck and will automatically shave you with a straight.

Mephistopheles from...New Mexico wrote in to say please come home now some giant, crazed bull is running amok.