Thread: Thebigspendurs Weekly Shaving Brainbuster #55

Hello shaving fiends

Well we’re finally getting close to our destination. I can smell that salt air. We had to pause at a draw bridge over this waterway while one of those big oil tankers went by. I turned around and there’s this rukus going on in the back, the chimps are jumping up and down, I told them you should have gone at the rest area back there you’re just gonna have to hold it in now. All of a sudden they all bail out of the back. I felt an impact and this big truck hits us from behind. Then he starts pushing us towards the edge of the open draw bridge. We all bailed out just in the nick of time before the truck went over. The truck crashed onto the deck of that boat and exploded on impact and damn I told Jethro to leave that 5 gallon jug of Nitro- glycerin at home but no he had to take it with him. So now that goes off causing the boat to explode and then all that oil ignited in the water which melted the bridge supports and half the bridge fell into the water dumping about 20 cars into the burning water. Wow what a site all those folks swimming for their lives. I was betting with Cletus how many times they would go down before never coming back up.

So we’re just standing there and that fella gets out of that truck with a big assault rifle and I saw right away it was that Bigspendur fella. Why he tracked us half way across the country to seek retribution from us. I could tell it was him because his face was all tored up something pitiful from being dragged in the cholla cactus and he had hoof marks all over his body from being stomped by the Buffalo. Yea he was about to shoot us but then the bridge started swaying and he got out of there real fast.

Well, we know where he lives and on the way home we’re gonna pay him a friendly little visit in the middle of the night to dispense some real justice to him.

Finally the State Patrol came and got us back to the nearest town. The officer said, yea good thing you have insurance for times like that. Jethro said insurance? What insurance? Cletus said you didn’t insure my truck? He said why should I insure your truck?

So they dropped us off at the airport and Cletus bought one of those fancy aeroplanes and rented a pilot to finish the trip. I said I ain’t gonna get into that they took advantage of you it ain’t got no motor or propeller on it. He said of course not it’s one of those types that blows the hot air out its butt to make it go. Well we was travelling in style now.

So we get to the coast and we had to rent a boat to get out to our private resort island but we couldn’t find anyone who would take all of us out so we was just walking around and saw all these boats just sitting there so we jumped into one and took off. They even left the keys right there for us.

I asked Cletus if he knew where he was going or if he knew how to drive one of these things. He said of course, you see this thing over here it’s a compass it says N for no and S for Si (it must be Spanish) and E to find a restaurant to eat and W to take you to work every day. So we just follow the S to get where we want to go. So we’re just traveling and we came to land finally and when we got off they came and arrested us these guys in brown uniforms. They said we was fixing to invade their island (Cuba) and take over. They finally had a parle and decided after sending all the criminals to the U.S a few years ago the U.S was getting even by sending all the defectives to them. So they made us sign a paper saying we would never come back and then they escorted us to our vacation retreat.

Yea it was quite a place it was like a building up on stilts over the water. We had to haul the animals up. It was fully equipped with everything. Most of the place was padlocked but we had the keys to the sleeping quarters and the kitchen and dining room and recreation areas. There was an elevator down to the dock area so we could get to the boat. We decided to go fishing but the water stunk and had all this sticky brown stuff in it and tar balls. The chimps started throwing the tar balls at each other. Mr Sasquatch and friend stayed behind and he was working on his Gillette array. We came on another boat that had mechanical problems. They had some Mexican guys on it and they didn’t seem too friendly. We offered to help but they pulled guns on us and tried to rob us. Jethro got his B.A.R and those fellas all jumped in the water and swam off. It turns out they were those drug smugglers. Yea, that boat was full of all kinds of delights. We towed it back to our resort.

Yea we partied for days with all that stuff on that boat. Those two chimps were real potheads. They was smoking that weed and got so crazy they both jumped in that boat and started driving all over the place like crazy fools. Finally a wave hit the boat and turned them over and the boat sunk and they had to swim for it with some Shark biting at their butts all the way back to the resort. Baaby thought that was funny stuff until the shark jumped out of the water and tried to eat her. Luckily it missed and got stuck on the supports and Jethro went down and started clubbing it with his Louisville slugger and then we hauled it up and dismantled it. Yes that was good eatin. The chimps got full of that brown stuff and it matted their hair and they looked like they had the mange or something so we had to shave all their hair off. They look awfully funny now.

We was exploring the resort and we found this control room with all these switches and gauges and lights and Cletus broke the lock off and we was all looking at it trying to figure what all the stuff did. Should we play with the buttons? Har Har.

Well the shaving brainbuster for this week concerns our razors. We wound up coating them in Cosmoline to protect them and now we’re having problems getting the stuff off. What should we use to get it off the razors. Hurry our beards are getting kind of long.

Also since Mr Sasquatch has decided to keep his friend (though we told him she was too uppity and it was a mistake) we need a name for her. So what should we call her. Whoever comes up with the best name this week will win a super secret shaving related prize. Cletus said he was rummaging around that hijacked UPS stuff and found a…

Check back Friday for the blown out answers.

hmmmm Sasqas'squash

Sassy'squatch?

A lot of rags and thin oil. Gasoline, acetone and others would be good if not for the celluloid or possibly hard rubber scales. Crap loads of elbow grease will be needed as well.

You should call her Neematoada, to pay homage to Doug (from Nickelodeon circa 90s).

Brutus from Muleshoe , Texas wrote in to say "I don't know about no female monkey woman but when I get done with you your name will be mud".

Originally Posted by robertliford

You should call her Neematoada, to pay homage to Doug (from Nickelodeon circa 90s).

Wow! I haven't thought about Doug in years.

Buttons are made to be pushed. It would be an insult to all of the button carvers out there to not push the buttons. I don't like to insult button carvers as they already have a difficult life with only being born with a thumb and pinky on their carving hand and a pointer on the other.

Now cosmo lines like many other lines should be removed with a gum eraser, but if that doesn't work I use a heat lamp and some WD-38. now WD-38 is more difficult to find than it's well known cousin HCl-40, but this stuff is great and it leaves a fishy taste in your tabac joose when used to clean your spittoon rather than the more familiar burning sensation offerred by HCl-40. Also a good kerosene helps.

Gunther from Upper Silesia wrote in to say the best way to get the cosmoline off is to catch a weasel and squeeze him until you get some slobber and that does the job just fine.

He said you don't need no name for Ms Sasquatch. This bigspendur has made a bunch of chumps out of you. Everyone knows there is no such thing as bigfoot.

Corporal Seiya from Truk Island in the pacific wrote in to say he has stores of rifles and bayonets and armament coated in cosmoline just waiting for his reinforcements to come so he can kick some Yankee butt and finally win WWll for the homeland. He says just scrape it off with a seashell. He says he has no time for name nonsense. He must watch for the U.S Marines to come and invade.

What a bunch of lame answers. No winners here. We're just gonna call her Swampy.

Oh, and someone tell Corporal Seiya the war ended a long time ago.