Thread: Dear Dr. Spendur:

Susan K from the U.K writes in with the following question.

Dear Dr. Spendur:

As the worlds authority on matters relating to shaving I thank God I have found you. I pray you can help me and my husband.

You see my husband of 20 years has always been a very level headed, conservative and frugal individual. Two months ago we went to a party and one of the men there had my husband’s ear for hours telling him his shaving routine was all wrong and was costing way too much money and not even giving him a good result. He advised him to go to this web site called SRP where he was a moderator and he would learn the ultimate truth.

About a month ago my husband told me he wanted to begin shaving with a straight razor. I said why would you want to use some archaic contraption when everyone else uses a Gillette Razor and they even say on T.V it’s the best in the world. He put my mind at ease saying after the initial investment in a razor and a strop and a basic hone and a brush and some soap two years down the road we would be financially way ahead of the game. So I agreed and now we are in a dilemma. My husband has amassed multiple numbers of everything and what’s more is hiding his purchases and is spending all his free time either on that SRP site or polishing and fixing broken razors. Now I notice our savings is gone and his retirement account is depleted and our children’s college savings account is gone also. I beg you to help me save my marriage.

Dear Susan K.

Rest assured you are not alone in this. We have helped to reprogram many men such as your husband from this addiction. Yes I say addiction no different than a crack addict can’t wait for the next fix these sorry individuals can’t wait for their next shave.

You see first they convince themselves all they need is one of each piece of equipment and they will save money thereby justifying the initial purchases. Then they go to that evil SRP site where they are indoctrinated by the other members and led down a one way path. They are convinced they need more and more and even tell themselves they will become quick experts and have a home business repairing and selling razors thereby enriching themselves financially. There should be a warning on that site that says “all hope abandon ye who enter here”.

Yes, good husbands go bad. First, strange packages wrapped in plain brown wrap start showing up in the mail in increasing frequency. Then they start having the parcels sent to their workplace so they can secret them into the house and hide them from view. Slowly you notice their shaving equipment matches and surpasses your cosmetics. Then they lie about their purchases saying I’ve had that a long time. Then they say they must retreat into their shaving den like a bear who hibernates for the winter and they fondle their equipment and shave with ever increasing frequency. Then they want to go to shaving conventions where the consort with other sorry unfortunate souls and reinforce their behavior.

The worst part is they begin to develop serious illnesses which though by themselves are not fatal they are very serious. If you see any of these symptoms you know you are in deep trouble.
Faceturbation- The afflicted keeps caressing his face all day long. He simply can’t help himself
Stroparitis-He can’t help but strop his razors. Even when there is no need he gets a devilish pleasure
Razoritis-He thinks of his razors as women and needs to use multiple razors in the same session
Honitis-He amasses multiple sharpening media and loves to look and photograph them and discuss
them with others ad infinitum.
Laparitis-He keeps flattening his hones until there is nothing left and has to buy another
Plissonitis-Its bad enough he must purchase multiple brushes but he fixates on owning the best of the
best.
Preparitis-The unfortunate soul eventually rubs all the skin off his face in the ultimate but foolish quest
to prepare his face for the ultimate shave.
Shaveitis-Increasingly the poor fool shaves more and more multiple times every day locking himself in
The bathroom saying he is in there for other reasons.
Restoritis-By now he has lost his mind and envisions himself as a razor guru and begins buying ever
larger numbers of razors and restores them and tries to sell them for profit but sadly loses
money in the deals.
Displayitis-The walls start to fill up with display cases full of old razors and strange looking people start
coming to the house to gaze at them as though they were viewing pornography.
Chataritis-He must join chat sessions on that shaving site and talk in real time to other afflicted
individuals where they reinforce these bad and sick habits as though the Devil and his
minions consort.
And lastly the most fearsome and deadly affliction- Ebayitis. Yes this is the final stage and the sick individual spends all of his time reviewing listings of razor related items on this on-line site and bidding on things he doesn’t need and doesn’t even remember buying them. When he bids and loses he pouts for days. Eventually he spends so much time doing this he loses his job and his family and wanders the city a broken and demoralized person.

My recommendation is to immediately call this number-1-Ihatestr8s. A real person who has been through this and who has survived will come over to your house and they will arrange his abduction so he may be reprogrammed.

I wish you well.

Nelson,
This was absolutely fabulous to read . Thanks for sharing. I do suffer from almost all those listed illnesses, but do not hide them from my wife...she actually gets a kick out of my inflictions and thinks is funny.

However, upon calling that #, I was greeted by 2 minutes of hysterical laughter and then the line went dead .