Thread: Thebigspendurs Epic Tonsorial Misadventures #64

Good morning shaving fiends

In the morning Sasquatch and the chimps and Navajo Joe and I went up to the compound to see the aftermath of the carnage. Yea Brutus was in the corner crying with both his horns broken off. Muttering something about those horns were what gave him his strength and now he was a 40 lb weakling. Just about then the Sergeant came back and quickly saw the situation and started beating on Brutus. The one remaining mountain lion had his claws chewed off by the badgers and he was just hanging his head in shame slinking off and just then Mephistopheles came back and started beating on his butt. I could see the Bears had been so sprayed by the skunks and quilled by the porcupines they was a sorry sight to behold. Yea the clan was hiding in the house and they was singing a different tune now. Well, cousin we’re glad you outsmarted those animals and things turned out all right for you after all. I said you don’t fool me now. You owe me and soon it’s gonna be payback time.

I went out back to the shed and Cletus’ workshop to get my share of all the loot and I noticed he had made a coffin for me. Well if that don’t beat all.

Well Navajo Joe and Sasquatch rounded up all the animals and had them sit it a circle and passed around the peace pipe and told them they have to make amends to reestablish the natural order and harmony of things or these parts will never be the same. Sasquatch had them all hug each other and promise to get along even though one of the bears accidentally ate one of beavers. He said sorry but I was just giving him a hug and he just fell into my mouth(burp). Yea Sasquatch just knocked him out with a log.

Clem was still sitting in the corner muttering. The sergeant told him I didn’t steal him I actually was taking good care of him and his wife told him she gave all his shaving gear to me and Brutus said, well clem I gotta take you back to the funny farm and I think I’ll spend some time there myself reevaluating the natural order of things in the world.

Well, it took a while but everything seemed to be back in place. I noticed this strange looking dude who had been wandering around the last few days. He approached me and said not so fast dude. You and I have a score to settle here. I said what are you talking about? He said, do you think everything here got settled because you bunch of dummies smoked some weed and had a big meal? It was me who done the dirty work. I said so you’re responsible for all this misfortune that has befallen us around these parts eh? He said you got that right. That’s my job. He says you know I’ve been writing in to that SRP shaving place and they ignored me and people made fun of me and disrespected me and I said I was gonna go out and take revenge. You don’t mess with old Lucifer and get away with it.

Just then that bigspendur fella showed up and he said yea those guys on that shaving site is the root of all our problems and I’ve been planning my ultimate revenge on them. Lucifer said yea this guy here is just a chump I can’t do too much damage to him he’s already too far gone. Thems all a bunch of defectives in these parts. I don’t even want their souls they will do me more harm than good.

That bigspendur says yea and I know what we can do. He says I’m gonna hack into that site and take control of it I have all their names and addresses and I’m gonna call up the nearest Pizza Hut and order 20 pies for each person. That’ll really get them in trouble. Lucifer say’s you know what I’m a gonna do, since I’m like that gift giving fool at Christmas time I can be everywhere at the same time and when they shave tomorrow and they put their razors to their cheeks I’m gonna make the razors come to a life of their own and they’re gonna cut a “666” into their faces and they’ll all be mine. The next day I’m gonna turn all their razors into dull Pakistani Razors and when they try and sharpen their razors instead of them getting sharper and sharper they’re gonna get duller and duller. The more expert they are at honing the faster their razors will get duller. Eventually they will all go crazy and have to join Clem at the funny farm that’s real hell-Har,Har,Har.

The only way out for them is to sell their souls to me. The big guy will be proud of me and I’ll get a big bonus. I asked old Lucifer how I fit into this plan of his. He says since I’m not worth anything to him anyway and because of me he’s a gonna get all this business he really owes me so any time I need a favor to just think of him and he’ll be there for a favor or two. I said you can do one for me right now and a get rid of baaaby for me. He said you crazy I don’t need no sex crazed goat. You’ll have to take care of that for yourself.

Just then the satellite phone rang and it was Festus. He said he was in Tobet and he was working for that guy who was gonna make for him that superdeluxe Yak Strop. He was tending the goats and living the simple life. He said when his goats left he lost all of his supernatural powers. They skinned the yak yesterday and he goes out every morning and beats the hides for hours to soften them up after soaking them in a secret solution.

Navajo Joe told Lucifer he’d better watch himself because his great spirit God is tougher than him and he better clear out of these parts. Sasquatch said our God is an angry one and will beat the butts off of all your Gods. The badger was sitting there watching all this and said you all better watch it because Mother Nature is gonna take care of all of you. I said now wait a minute we just settled one rumble don’t let’s start another one. So everyone went their ways just that I had to clean up all the mess on my property from those animals. Boy they’s really messy.

So the shaving brainbuster for this week-har,har well the tables been turned hasn’t it. Now you guys are on the receiving end. Just think a knock at the door and the entire staff of your local Pizza Hut is standing in front of you with a load of Pizza’s, all anchovies too and they want to be paid in cash now and a big tip. The next day how you gonna explain to your coworkers the 666 in you cheek. They’ll think you’re a devil worshipper or something and then you’ll all be shaving with Pakistani Steel and wind up in the crazy house with the one hope of selling your soul to you know who.

Yea it’s not looking too good for you. Maybe I should stay tuned to see the fate that befalls all of you. Har,Har,Har,Har,Har Har.

I’ll check back on Friday to see if you’re still around. Har Har.

You should have been a Greek playwright! These misadventures you post are Homeric.

I got an E-Mail from Festus he says his Master Quok Chen Lee wants to know who's coming over next to labor for months and learn and make a Yak strop for himself. I gotta send the name this week.

Do YOU want to go?

I got an E-Mail from some sales executive at Pizza Hut. he wants to know who ordered all those pizza's and who's gonna pay for them. I told him if the customers at the delivery locations run out the back door the mods at this site will pay the tab.