Thread: Thebigspendurs Epic Tonsorial Misadventures-#65

Good morning shaving fiends

Things have been busy at the ranch. I had the utility workers out and got reconnected to the electricity and they also connected a telephone line so we got rid of the telegraph and now we can actually talk to people like in person. We even had this dude over from the satellite T.V place trying to sell us this package deal to get these moving pictures from outerspace. He said unless we buy from him we’ll never get any reception ever. When he saw my shotgun he took off fast. Besides, Mr Sasquatch built his own array and set it up on top of an old oak tree and we get all kinds of stations now. Heck we can even pick up telephone conversations. Why last night I heard this dude talking funny calling someone in Saudi Arabia. He said he was Osama Bin Laden and he done fooled everyone because he was living in Eagle Pass, Texas. He said it’s the perfect place and nobody will ever identify him there. He can move around in freedom and direct his plans from there. Who is this guy anyway?

You will be pleased to know all the animals are getting along now except of course for the beavers who are mad at the bears on account of one of them accidentally eating the other one and the Mountain Lion was over the other day to thank me because he found out his cubs weren’t his and his wife had been a cheatin on him and on top of that she was bad mouthing him to all the other cats so he’s glad she was dead.

The missus drove up and just walked into the house kind of nonchalant and just kind of took over. I said you have a lot of nerve coming back here after you made up some c*o*ck and bull story about me torturing little animals and getting me in trouble with the porcupines. She said yea but things didn’t look so good for you back there and we figured we needed to save our own skins and you were already a dead man and they can only kill you once so you know…anyway you would have done the same thing.

Just then the satellite phone rang and it was Festus. He said he was hard at work on the farm. Between tending the goats and going fishing to catch dinner and beating the hides and mixing the secret tanning solutions he was pretty busy. The other day he and his boss went to some secret silver mine to mine some ore which he now has to refine to make all the hardware for the strop and they also mined some rubies and emeralds as decorations.

He said the other night he was with his goats up on the mountain side and he realized the goats were getting agitated and he turns to his left and there’s this guy who looks just like Sasquatch sitting right next to him just that he’s all white. He asked him what he wanted. He said well usually when we find humans like you we just tear their heads off and leave them for the buzzards but since the goats seem to like you so much and they are very discerning animals and…hey you’re not one of those funny humans who likes to do that funny stuff with the goats are you? Festus said why…err….umm of course not do I look like that kind of person. He said yes you do. I can see you’re not from around these parts and Festus says why you know I have this friend Mr Sasquatch maybe you know him. That dude started crying like a baby and said why that’s the long lost other side of our family. They think they something special and better than the rest of us. Why if he was in front of me after I kissed him I’d beat the hell out of him.

They had a nice chat and decided to meet again in a few days.

I went over to the corral and the Sergeant was talking to baaaby and as I passed I noticed hmm what’s going on baaaby why do you have that 666 carved in your face. She said I don’t know that no account chimp was giving me a shave and he did it. He said he couldn’t help it. I asked the sergeant about that Email he sent to that no account shaving site. He said he was sorry but where he was staying they weren’t treating him so hot so he wrote the letter to vent and I thought after you were dead I could come back and be boss hog around here. I told him I’ll be watching you. He said you better be watching Mephistopheles. After beating up that wild animal he’s really feeling his oats and is a little too frisky to suit me. Yesterday I spied him by the badger city shaking them down for protection money. One of the badgers ran up to him and bit him on the foot. That must have really smarted.

I went back to the house for lunch the missus had really prepared a feast for me biscuits and gravy hmm…hmmm and fresh made apple pie. I walked in and that big spender fella was there. I said you know you’re not really welcome around these parts. He said I was planning on leaving but when the chimp was shaving me this morning he carved this 666 in my face. He said he couldn’t help himself. Not only that but my wife called me up and said all my prized razors that weren’t destroyed were turned into cheap Pakistani Junk razors. What’s going on here? He said Cletus promised to take him home just that he really had no home on account of his house being washed away by the flood. However he said he’ll stay in a motel until they rebuild his house.

After I finished eating I dropped that spender fella off at the compound. Yea when they saw me pull up in the Studebaker they all scattered like c*o*ckroaches.

I went into town and all pandemonium had broken lose. All the men in town had this 666 carved in their faces. They said the chimp did it. I went into the shop and the shaving chimp was beside hisself. He said it was like the razor just seemed to come to life in his hand and he had no control. I said that’s that curse. I didn’t know you were a member on that shaving site. He said yes he joined some time ago his name on it was monkeybusiness. Not only that but his razors including his giant one had turned into Pakistani junk.

Hmm what’s going on here? It looks like the curse is working. How do you all like the 666 carved into you’re faces and the cheap Pakistani razors you all have. I’ll bet you’re all singing a different tune now. That’s what you all deserve mocking us poor folk by throwing away your money on all that luxury shaving gear when so many folks are hurting all across this land. It’s time for you to get yours now.

The shaving brainbuster concerns your predicament. Yes there’s no way out for you. Lucifer will be paying you all a visit and if you ever want a decent shave again you’re a gonna have to sell him your soul. So what’s more important a good straight shave or your tiny little soul eh? Let’s take a survey har har.

So here is the question on side A you get the best shaves of your life every day with little effort and minimum time. Your hones seem to work like magic-10 strokes and your razors are like new, chips gone , warps gone, rust gone, cracks gone, bevels perfect, yes every razor shaves like a chronic and actually all that Pakistani junk suddenly turns into a Bill Ellis custom razor and every day it talks to you and tells you it’s the best razor in the world and when you lather up with your favorite soap it replaces itself everyday and when you strop your razor every day why it strops itself to perfection. On side B you sell your soul to Lucifer. Now ain’t that worth it? Come on speak up, don’t be shy.

Check back on Friday for the results of the survey. Maybe we can do a group transaction with Lucifer. Wouldn’t that be neat?

I got an E-mail from Gustavo in Montevideo. he says whenever he goes to church they tell him he's going to Hell anyway so he wants to sign up for the shave deal right now.

Frank in Norman, Oklahoma sent an E-Mail. He says he sold his soul to Lucifer last month. He wants to know if he can still get in on the deal.

Lucifer says no. Only one premium per person. What do you think this is Walmart? Besides, he says he has something special planned for Frank.

I got an E-Mail from Gus in Moscow, Idaho. He wants to know if his blades will lose their temper when he goes to Hell.

Lucifer says don't worry we use a "cold" heat-har har.