Thread: Thebigspendurs Epic Tonsorial Misadventures #66

Good morning shaving fiends

I don’t know what’s going on here lately but the missus has been treating me like a king. Every morning it’s either hot cakes and bacon or sausage or biscuits and gravy and she goes out there picking fruit off our orchard and baking fresh apple, cherry, peach and pumpkin pies. Then she goes into town and is buying prime cuts of meat and is making all kinds of fancy gourmet dishes, you know like they serve at those posh restaurants in them big cities, Places like Wendy’s and that big guy who commands all those hamburger people what you call him? I wonder if she’s up to something or is she feeling guilty about something?

Well after that delicious breakfast I drove into town to do my chores. First I stopped by Sue’s House of the Dead, she had just got some new stock in and she had some old razor’s I was interested in. Most were in pretty bad shape. I saw one that was marked Rogers. Imagine I got a razor that was owned by my hero Roy Rogers. Then she had another that was marked W&B and marked England Silver Steel. She explained to me the steel had real silver in it and it was inscribed cutlers to his majesty. So now I have a razor that was personally used by the King of England. She also sold me a Winchester model 94 from the 1800s. It had an inscription on it and she said it was personally owned by the Lone Ranger when he cleaned up the Southwest. Navajo Joe was in the store looking at some old hunting knives and he said you must be some kind of idiot buying that rifle how much did you pay for it. Well, I said it’s normally only maybe a hundred bucks but because the Lone Ranger owned it I paid $1,000 for it. He said don’t you know there’s no such thing as the Lone Ranger. He’s just some Hollywood character. I said next you’re gonna tell me is Tonto never existed either. He said that’s right he was just some guy from Canada who acted the part. I said but I have these silver bullets. He said you numbskull thems not no silver bullets thems just props from Hollywood. He said next time you come to the Res I’m gonna sell you some authentic phony Indian Crafts Har har. Sue said now don’t you listen to him he’s just getting ornery in his old age. She said I have this special razor put aside just for you with a hone, like a set. So she has this gorgeous Ivory scaled razor with Damascus Steel she said was handmade by Davey Crocket and he shaved with it at the Alamo. I said I don’t reckon that’s right now you are trying to fool me besides it says made in Pakistan on it. She said yea Pakistan, Tennessee.

Then I got to thinkin, maybe if Davey used it his body parts, what you call them his err..Dino’s are on it and I can give it to Mr Sasquatch and he can make what you call it like those Pep Boys out of him, who them, mangy, mom and zak?


I stopped in the trough restaurant and Bubba the cook was outside cause he had no business. I said if you clean up the place a little you might have more customers. Folks don’t cotton to eating with roaches climbing up their legs and mice running around the place. He said theys all trained to do that. It’s part of the rustic atmosphere. He said the problem is that barbershop of your relations. I said don’t blame them for your shortcomings.

I moseyed on down to the shop and there was this line out the back door where Miss Hogslapper was working. I said what’s going on here? Ike said well the old gal has really done it this time she’s serving up lunch now and she invented this new food and it’s the most wonderful thing we ever did see. We can’t get enough of it. So I went in and Mr Sasquatch had this silly apron on and this goofy hat and he was dishin out this vile looking stuff and Miss Hogslopper couldn’t make it fast enough. I looked at it and smelled it and it didn’t smell bad but it looked terrible. It kind of looked like bread but it had all this runny white stuff on it and then had some red stuff over that and looked like it had grass on top of that. I wouldn’t eat that stuff if you paid me. That fella who was incarcerated in the big city said they used to serve it every week in the big house. Mr Sasquatch said he would make a variety in memory of his ex wife covered with live critters.

Just then the satellite phone went off and it was Festus. He said he had become great friends with that big white haired guy. He called him Mr Whitey and they been palling around the countryside. He said that dictator he made rich owed him a favor and he would issue him a passport and he was gonna bring him back home as a surprise for Mr Sasquatch. I said hmm maybe a surprise for Swampy. He said the strop was almost complete and he wanted me to ask who the next member of that shaving site would be who wanted to go to Tobet? He said the strop was 6 feet long and was one inch thick and had 5 pounds of silver for the hardware and was encrusted with all sorts of precious gems. He said he was a comin home next week.

Auntee said well we’re a gonna have a big celebration to welcome Festus home. She told jethro and Cletus to plan on going hunting. I said well you might want to rethink that those animals are still kind of agitated over what transpired.

I went into the shop and the Shaving Chimp was given this guy a shave and I could only see him from the back and all of a sudden POW, ZOWEE he jumps up and it was old Mr Lucifer and that shaving Chimp had just put a 666 into his face. Boy he was hot under the collar har har. He said you animals are supposed to do my bidding how am I supposed to go back home with this in my face. Why they will all laugh and make fun of me. I said now what are you so worried about it’s your home besides you run the place can’t you make the 666 go away. He said if a human did it yes but these damn animals I really have no control over. Besides he says why you think I like to walk the earth like this. It’s too damn hot down there and this recruiting souls is a good excuse to get away for a while, a long while har har.

So if that don’t beat all old Lucifer thinks it’s too hot down there in Hell for him. If that’s the case how are all of you gonna like it? Har har. That reminds me soon we will be having our big Halloween Party at the compound. I invited Lucifer but he said he never goes out on Halloween. I said why not? He said it’s too scary.

So the brainbuster for this week concerns that Razor made by Davey Crocket. Yes it was handmade by him down in the basement of the Alamo. I only told her it was phony to bargain her down but I know it’s real right? Any of you folks ever visit the Alamo? Make sure you visit the basement there’s all sorts of neat things going on down there. At any rate old Davey had a Texas Holdem game going on at the Alamo and he cheated Jim Bowie and stole his big knife and melted it down to make this razor, that’s how valuable it is. Once I fix it up I’m a gonna have the chimp who’s a member of that shaving site sell it there and I’m gonna get some rich fool there to buy it. How much you think it’s worth? I’ll include some secret maps to the basement of the Alamo. Hurry with your estimate before one of those nosy moderators over there shuts this down. Those guys always look to take our fun away. Mr Lucifer has a special plan for them Har,har, har,har.

I’ll bet you didn’t know this but Jethro’s long lost great, great, great cousin 4x removed-Silas fought at the Alamo. His journal said Davey and Jimbo were having this real hot card game and the guards were so intent on watching the game it allowed those Mexicans to sneak in and take over the place.

Oh and who wants to go to Tobet to work hard and gets his custom yak strop? How about YOU? I’ll have the instructions during the week.

For a razor like that anythings for trade... except my soul and my son. The girlfriends fair game though! As you would say "Har,Har,Har" Nice post.

Well I've been inundated with applications to go to tobet and make a strop so if you want to go here is what you need.

1-A currently valid passport
2-A personal recommendation from Festus countersigned by Baaaby
3-Proof you are proficient with a hunting rifle and fishing gear
4-A release notarized saying you release everybody in the world from any liability in case of your demise during the trip.
5-Evidence you have been immunized from every disease known to mankind.
6-Post a bond in the amount of 1 million dollars.
7-sign a secrecy document stating you will not divulge the secret tanning formula nor the location of the silver mine or the mines where the precious gems can be found.
8-A love of goats.
9-Proof you have the funds to finance the entire trip
10-A medical certificate evidencing you have the physical stamina to work day and night seven days a week and be treated like dirt and eat poor food and drink contaminated water and sleep in a cold barn at high altitudes where you will certainly suffer from altitude sickness.
11-A will leaving all your earthly possessions to the Folsum family.

Once you get all this together send it in a large envelope addressed to

Big Tobet Deal
Track 10, bay 6, Sewer 15
Grand Central Station
New York, New York 10001

I got an E-mail from Luis from San Antonio Texas. He says, "why you given all these people this bum dope on the Alamo. Folks are gonna come here and be looking for the basement. Everyone knows there isn't one and your story about what happened is bogus".

Well all I can say Luis is you folks down there in Texas is a bunch of strange people anyway. You just want to revise history and you don't want the folks to have fun in the basement of the Alamo.

Next time you're in New Mexico (assuming we let you in) come visit us and we'll adjust your attitude a might.

I got another E-mail from Luis from San Antonio. He says "why you sorry a*s*s*ed people in New Mexico. You should feel lucky we only stole your water and a few miles of the state. We could have taken the whole thing"