Thread: Thebigspendurs Epic Tonsorial Misadventures-#73

Good morning shaving fiends

First thing in the morning I had to go over to that there crazy house place and get Brutus. They had him all ready for me. Yea all the folks was outside and he was kissing and hugging everybody. He asked me were he was going. I said we take good care of you. Of course I didn’t tell him it was payback time and we was gonna work him to death.

When we got home I brought him out back and the Sarge was already waiting for him. He slapped him in the face and told him how things was gonna be from now on and Brutus started crying like a baby. Yea all the cows saw this and they started laughing at him. He ran into the barn and hid, he was really shamed.

Mr Whitey was watching all this so I asked him how his soul saving was going. He said he changed his mind, Mr Sasquatch showed him the light. It must have been those shots when he was lopped over the head. At any rate he said they was working him too hard at the shop and the compound and wanted to stay here. I said sure you can but you still have to work at the shop. Depending on how many shaves you give I might cut you some slack around the ranch. The missus was outside and said no way, with the appetite that creature has he‘s gonna do some heavy duty chores for me. Mr Whitey wasn’t happy but said he’d still stay.

I got to thinkin about the whole business about Sue and her husband and how she got mixed up with the crooked postal people and the hard time I was given her so I made it a point to go into the shop and make it right with her. She said I was the only one who ever did that and it made her feel good. She was showing me some new mdse she just got. Why she had this razor that belonged to George Washington (whoever he was) and it had his name on it. Then she had a bow and arrow that belonged to Geronimo and also had the first Golden Spikes that were used in the Trans… um contin…err…. You know that big train across the country.

Yea I was loading my treasures into the back of the Studebaker and Navajo Joe happened by. He was looking at the haul and said where you buy that? I said from Sue. He said you sure don’t learn do you. I said, why I kind of felt sorry for her so I..felt sorry? Well, if that’s the case you should feel sorry for the way you palefaces treated us in the 1800s and ought to come over to my Hogan and I’ll sell you some really valuable stuff. He said Geronimo used a rifle not no bow and arrow and those spikes is made from iron with yellow paint on them and that razor came from Pakistan. He said, I hope you didn’t fall for her story about her husband did you? I said, well…err.. what you mean story? Well don’t tell me you didn’t know. I said don’t know what? He said her husband is in federal prison convicted of insider trading, he made billions and she’s a jailbird too. She’s just a confidence racket person and settled here to hide from the law. That’s why she was involved with that Mail Fraud business. She was the mastermind, you don’t think those Government employees had the intelligence to think up something like that do you? Over at the res we been aware of it for years. We be fencing a lot of the mdse all over the southwest. How’d you think I got that big collection of straight razors? I said I always wondered how you got hundreds of customized razors like that.

Well I turned around to go back into the store and it was locked up, the sign said closed. Joe couldn’t stop laughing. He said by the way I got a call from my buddy the Chief at the Ute reservation and he said Swampy had left and the last they heard she was headed back in this direction. After meeting Mr Whitey she just fell in love with him. He said, if you see her let me know cause we gotta figure out how much we owe the chief cause she didn’t work off her debt yet.

On the way out of town I stopped off at the Sheriff’s office and Vasoline asked me if I had heard what happened after that incident in town with all those mailmen. I said no I didn’t. He said they was bickering so much after they left town one of the Fedex drivers ran a UPS driver off the road calling him an overpaid union deadbeat. They all pulled over and started fighting. Someone passing by called the state patrol and they had to send them out in force to quell the battle out there. One of the UPS drivers found an overnight letter in the Fedex truck where it outlined the company’s plans to discredit UPS by showing they be in cahoots with the terrorists trying to bring explosives into the U.S and they be trying to ruin them.

By the time I got home I noticed Mephistopheles had left with his meeting with the badgers. I grabbed Mr Whitey and we left. When we got there they was all arguing. The badgers said they wasn’t gonna pay anymore and mephy said he was gonna fix them good. One of the badgers said they had a secret alliance and all of a sudden this strange looking dude appeared. He said when we salted the earth with life millions of years ago we left the badgers here to keep check of things. We could have put you here with those dinosaurs and they would have eaten you up so you repay our kindness by killing our relatives and stealing their coats. Yea this dude looked like a giant badger allright and he was holding some kind of ray gun. Yea mephy backed off and turned white with fear and said it ain’t me we just be beasts of burden also mistreated by these humans. Yea, they be mistreating all the animals on this planet. They be responsible for making em all extinct. Mr Whitey said yea they almost killed all of us off. I said now wait just a minute I had nothing to do with all this I just came here to make peace between you and now you go a blaming me for all this. This just be a bunch of hard luck stories anyway. So this big space alien says you be the dude who bought all that junk from that antique shop? He said we heard about that back in outer space. You’re right you be too stupid to have anything to do with this.

He said you better tell you’re leaders we be watching you now and we authorize our cousins to report everything they see. They just vanished.

Well if that don’t beat all, being dressed down by some giant space alien badger. No one will believe me. Now those badgers will be impossible to live with, why they is already making demands on me. I guess there won’t be any more badger brushes. I hear tell the boars are packing up and leaving town.

So this is the big brainbuster holiday giveaway time. Only thing is I can’t think of something to ask so what I’m gonna do is this, you tell me what the giveaway question should be. Whoever comes up with the best question will win the set of honing pastes-white,yellow and red.

Rogelio from panama City wrote in to say he want's those pastes and he thinks a great question should be, "What is Mr Sasquatch's first name?"

Not bad, can anyone else do better?

I got an e-mail from Sue's husband Dexter. He says he was framed. He invested everyones money and it was just bad luck he lost everything for his clients. Luckily he didn't invest any of his own money.

I got an E-Mail from the president of the UPS Union. He said, "we got your number Buddie. We ain't ever gonna deliver anything to your place ever again, at least in one piece".