Thread: Dear Dr. Spendur-#4

Dear Dr Spendur:

Hello, my name is Cecil J and I’m from Paducah, Kentucky. I used to use an electric razor and then one day one of my co workers told me about this shaving site on the internet called SRP and boy was I educated. It opened up a whole new world to me and I must say all those members are so knowledgeable and the moderators are so helpful and such great people, especially the guy who calls himself “Thebigspendur” why, he’s a shaving genus-(har har).

But I digress. I have been shaving with a straight for a few months now and though my progress has been slow I am improving. After the first trip to the emergency room and the 25 stitches to my face I learned to hold the razor properly. I’m not perfect but things are looking up but here’s my problem Doc, my best friend in the whole wide world, my pet Chimp Miss Daisy loves to sit and watch me shave. The fact is last week she pulled the brush out of my hand one day and added some water to it and wow it was the exact proper amount and I got the best lather ever. What is more disturbing, last week I returned home from work early feeling ill and I found the chimp shaving with my razor. She was wielding that big Wade and Butcher meatchopper like a real pro and she had lather far better than I could ever make and she was stropping like a pro on my Kanamayama # 1,000,000 strop. After her shave she applied a scented wet towel and used my best aftershave. I found her with my old bottle of Lilac Vegetal and she was pouring it down the drain while wearing my army surplus gas mask. The other day I came home and found her sitting at the table honing my razor while drinking a beer and smoking a Cuban Cigar.

What’s going on here doc?

Dear Cecil J:

I am really not surprised by your predicament. You see I have long suspected and your friend proves the fact that using a straight razor is a regressive practice best utilized by the lower forms of life. Most of these straight razor users long for the “good old days” of shortened lifespan and endemic poverty. As a matter of fact if you took say 10 straight razor users at random and lined them up (of course they would never admit to this shameful practice being the cowards that they are) you would see the similarities in their appearance signaling a lower level of intelligence another words a throwback. Yes, that low forehead and beady little eyes and protruding chin and grubby little fingers and an abundance of hair on their backs and of course tattoos.

What is very disturbing to me is the fact you pal around with a chimp which means you are isolated from society and in fact your chimp is aware of your sick attraction to her and is trying to make herself more appealing to you so you can..well…err…you know what she wants from you and you know what you really want to do to her.

Yes you are a real sick individual and just think at one time you were normal and then you joined that site and those subliminal messages they put out embedded in the site transformed you as it does others of low intellect into mindless wet shaving addicts.

First your chimp must get rid of you so we can put her on the road to mental health and you must remove all shaving implements from her grasp. Then you must take her to the zoo so she can interact with others of her kind. While there you might notice strange looking men there aping the chimps. These no doubt are straight shavers.

Oh and you? I would walk over to the Polar Bear Enclosure and after smearing seal blubber all over yourself jump into the enclosure. That’s the only honorable way out for you.

Dr Spendur

Dr. Mr. Cecil, I suggest you get a second opinion. Seal blubber is hard to find.

I bet a fine layer of that blubber under the lather is reeeaaallly all that! and more! Shave then jump.