Thread: Thebigspendurs Epic Tonsorial Misadventures #81

Good morning shaving fiends

Heck I told the missus I needed to get up early this morning. Where she be and where’s my breakfast? The damn sump pump ain’t workin and I needed to fix it and it’s gonna be a big job. Heck who’s at the door, okay, okay I’m a commin. Hi guys what brings you here? Let’s go outside you can help me with that pump…. Hey let go of me. What you think you a doin? You big Gorillas. Sorry didn’t mean you swampy but hey…where you takin me. Get me off memphy, no don’t start him off whooaaa……..

Hi folks I’m a Festus Folsum and now that I got rid of my pesky cousin I’m a here to talk to you but I still don’t a understand how you all fit in that little box. You must be those lilicutions or something.

I be reading this site now and see how you must all be some rich folk spending all you money on this shavin gear. Well I’m a here to give you my shavin tips so you can get the best shave in the whole wide world and it won’t hardly cost you nary a thing at all.

So we all know the best shave starts with the right pepper…err…proper…er…you know what I mean the stuff you gotta do first. After workin hard all day slopping the pigs and mending fence and milking the cows and cleaning the latrine you be right smelly and dirty so you whiskers and face not be in the proper shave attitude. The first thing you wanna do is go to your larder and get some bacon grease and apply it all over you face. You let it sit for round 20 minutes and then remove it with some old fashioned brown soap just don’t let you women catch you or they be mad for usin up all that cookin grease like that. Now you face be like a babies behind alright. I was a tellin Baaaby the other day while we was in the woodshed and we was…(censored by the SRP Straight Razor Police) and when we come back to the house her face was ready for a shavin.

Now you need to get some shavin cream. You don’t need to buy no cream from some cassel fools place. Why would you want to by cream from some rich folk livin in a cassel anyway? That’s how they got that way by cheatin us workin folk. You go out to your hen house and gather the eggs and take 2 eggs and beet them up real good then you add some lard to that and beat again then you go out and milk your goat but take care how you milk her. Watch those hands. You don’t wanna be givin her the wrong idea now. Yea, you add a glass of milk and beat some more. Then you go down to your local Badger City and get a cup of badger Slobber and mix and you’ll have the thickest most luxurious cushiony shave cream you ever will see. You have you horse come over and apply it with his tail hairs. You just watch it cause the first time I did that with old Diablo why he kicked me into next Sunday. You don’t need no brush. Those crooks just be a chargin you good money for the hair off some dead animal.

Now we all know you can’t get no good shave without a proper sharp razor. So you had best listen to me really with care cause this is very impurt…err…empor…err…well you know you pay attention now. Now I be a readin this site and see these crooks doin things with you razors. Now why would you want to have you razor sharpened by some sissy guy with a girls name or some guy who uses a six gun why that be a real backward dude. Or maybe some dude he fancies hisself a pirate probably some tinkerbell eh? Maybe that Bruno fella. Hey I saw him on that box with the movin pictures. He sure like to take his clothes off and cause mischief. Or maybe that O.Z fella. Ain’t he the dude who murdered his wife and that other guy a few years ago. He probably used a straight razor to do the job . Also you never want to send you razors to Texas. They all be a bunch of crooks there. Now you don’t need no folks like that. Why you send me $350 cash in small bills and I’ll send you brother Cletus Sans famous deluxe trihone and since they say a picture is worth 100 words here’s the proof you need.



The first razor be the way I found it and the second picture is just 30 minutes on the Cletus san trihone. Now how about that? None of those scheister razor guys could do that could they? What you say it’s a different razor? You think I’d be a cheatin you or something? You be mistaken. That be one of those, what they call it an Octopussian Illusion caused by you amazement with the results. You just can’t believe you eyes.

Of course if you a needin a new razor Brother Cletus has an assortment of high quality razors to suit every buget. Just send me $500 in cash and I’ll pick the rite one for you. Whatever you do don’t fall for that trickery and buy one of them those razors made in Japan. They don’t use no razors in Japan. They all use electric razors. You wanna know what that foreign writing be on those razor you buy there. They say thank you stupid American for blowing you cash on some phony cheap piece of steel. Why I here tell they make those cars with defects to kill all of us. Then that Mr Toyoda fella done change his name to Toyota so we don’t know who he really be. Yea we know he be a murdering crook.

Well now you got to strop that razor before using it. Nearin a body know the strop be the key to a real close accomodatin shave. But you don’t spend no money for no animal skin strops. You all be good hard workin folks so from all that hard work out in the sun you face be like leather anyway and that wire like beard well that be you strop. You just work that razor on you face spine first and you have the sharpest razor in the world. What? You say you face is soft and you hair like a peach? You then be some girly man and don’t come around these parts. Old Mr. Gillette is a waitin for you.

Now that you got youself a good close shave and by the way you use the coldest water you can find. We got no hot water round these parts anyway and the cold is better for you anyway. Okay shave chimp I’ll tell em stop a poking me. Yea the shave chimp say some of you folks like to use that what you call it pre shave oil and you pay plenty for that. Now listen to cousin Festus. You just drain some of that motor oil out of you pickup and apply that to you face. Why it has just the rite amount of lubricants and other stuff to cause that razor to glide right down you face and it protect you to. Afterall, it protect you engine and that be much tougher than you face rite? Also once you finished you razor is all protected till the next time. You just gotta match the wait with you climate. Around these parts this time of the year shaving outside, the soap freezes to you face and even the razor can freeze to you face so that oil keeps that from happening. What you say that used oil be a givin you that cancer. Yea, I remember old Tom he had that cancer in his face. Why he had a hole in his face big enough to drive a truck through. He be dead now. Yea you just get some of that, what they call it cloth from cheese and strain the oil in that and you be all safe.

When I’m a finished shavin I usually get Baaaby to come over and I just wipe my face on her coat so that’s a what you do. That goat hair is the best thing to clean the soap off and condition you skin after shavin. It got all manner of natural oil and other great stuff. Just make sure she has no fleas. You don’t need no foo-foo fancy witch hazel or alum bar. What you say you can’t live without a hot towel? Around these parts we use a cold towel. You get you self some ice from the ice-house and roll it up in a towel and let that sit on you face a bit.

Now usually after shavin I’m a ready to get with baaaby and (censored-the SRP Straight Razor Police) so I want the rite aftershave scent. Now this is what you do. You get some of that moonshine you make at you ranch and then you get you dog and you squeeze out his anal glands and mix that real good and add some fresh honey from you hive, just watch those bees they be real cross with you and sting you plenty and then you look like some demon or something.

I bet you folks think I’m a in some disgi…err…descg..err…you know you be so no one know who you are. Yea it’s a good thing I got my third grade equivalency diploma so I can write like one of those Arthur guys. The last time I had big trouble a doin this.

Well that’s about it. I hope you all shave the rite way now and take my words with care. Now I guess I gotta find my cousin before that nag runs him to the next county. His missus be in a terrible mood lately. I don’t a want her mad at me.

Oh the shavin chimp says about now there be something called the shavin ba**buster so I gotta ask you a question so err I’m a tryin reel hard and it’s a makin my head hurt something fierce. Yea I got it. How you all fit in this little box here and how do you shave inside it? Ain’t it dark? Hey stop poking me Shave Chimp, what you mean that’s stupid? What you writin on that paper? It says the question is when you hone you razor in the pyramid scheme do the pyramid be an equilateral triangle or an isosceles triangle or some other type of triangle? What the heck he be talkin bout?...no account smart allicky monkey. If you understand that and answer that you get one free shave from him.

TBS, I always enjoy reading your short stories! This was a good one!! LOL

We found cousin and Memphy a flotin in the Pecos River. He be reel cross with me and make me answer all the Emails this weak.

I got an E Mail from no other than the Governator of Texas what be his name Perry Como or somethin. He be real mad. He says I insulted all those Texans calling em all crooks. He gonna send the Rangers over here to take care of us. That's OK we be waitin for them.

I got a leter from some folks at the Animal Crulty somethin or other. They be mad cause I say to manhandle you dog to get that anal fluid out. I never hurt no animals (cepting the ones I kill). Just ask Baaaby she tell you how I treet her.

I got an E-mail from that there Mr Valvoline. He say he be givin you shavers a big discount when you buy his 10-50 weight motor oil. He gonna package it just fer us. He be calling it "Shave Lube".

I got an E-mail from that crook Mr Toyoda. He say I insulted him and his car and he gonna send some Mr Samurai dude to take care of me. I wrote him back and told him he be a coward for not usin his reel name. I tell him he ought to do what all those folks in Japan do when they do something bad. He should do that hari kari thing. That Samauri dude be in a heap of trouble when he use his toothpick against my Streetsweeper.

I got an Email from some dude he call hisself O.J and he be in the Nevada State prison. He say he have enough problems don't get him mixed up in some crooked razor scheme. He also say he be innocent.

I got an E Mail from Japan from some guy he calls hisself Too-sicke or something like that. He say you Americans think I be dead but I be alive and well. You people hound me day and night for those stupid Japanese Straight razors. No one here use them. You all be backward. I had to go into hiding to get away from all of you and find peace. You destroyed my life.

Hey he sound upset. Maybe he commit that hari kari eh?

I got me an e-mail from err,... lets see, it looks like the Looney Shave brush Company in England. They say they treat Badgers in a Humane way and make sure they don't suffer before they skin them alive and pull their hair out. Yea they say their Badger master he be called lefty and they charge a fair price. They say I don't understand all the work they have to do. Heck I skin critters all the time it ain't no work at all.

I got a note from Saturna she be one of those folks up on Tulip Mountain. She say for a real treat instead of a dog try a skunk.

Those folk up there be real hillbillies and they use that to scare people away from them. Now don't you try that I won't a be rep...err...resp...you know it won't be my fault if folks treat you like a par...err...parri...err, heck I give up.