Thread: Thebigspendurs Epic Tonsorial Misadventures-#83

Good morning shaving fiends

Another Sunday morning and a chance to sleep in and relax and, hey, woman stop jostling me and leave me alone. You better get your sorry butt up we gotta go to Sunday Services. Hell no. I’m not gonna go to that crazy preacher and his snakes. Besides, you never washed my Sunday Coveralls so how am I supposed to go anyway? That’s your problem. You better be ready by the time I fix a meal for us. By the way there be banging at the front door you had better go see who’s there.

So I go down stairs and open the door and there’s this group of mangy animals outside. I said, what do you all want. Well, the bear says you in big trouble. You went and unleashed that terrible bovine on the world and he’s makin a shambles out of our lives. Why he woke me and my family up and now we gonna starve to death before the spring comes. The badgers said he went down to the city and tore the whole place up and then went over to the lake and tore up the beavers lodges and broke the dam and drained the lake and killed all the fish. Then he waited until the Mountain Lion was coming by and knocked down an African Bee Hive right on his head. Yea he be crazy and gone rogue and it’s your fault. He be tame before you turned him around. I told them I just cured him and they be too soft and they ought to be aware of the survival of the fittest rule in the jungle and if they can’t hack it they don’t deserve to live and should be esink….err…exin…err you know like those old dinosaurs. The bear said we holding you responsible and if you don’t do something we gonna take our revenge on you humans. We gonna take away you collective bargaining and we’ll wipe you out.

We went to Sunday services and it just happened to be the preacher had his sermon about being kind to animals and treatin all God’s creatures like they be our relatives. I said you sayin we be all monkeys uncles? You don’t believe in that evolutin stuff do ya? He said why no of course not but these snakes are a tellin me you ain’t treatin the animals with the respect they deserve. I said my stew pot gives them plenty of respect. He says yea my snakes are a tellin me you and that trouble maker bull of yours is upsetting the order of things. Yea those folks there wasn’t very happy. They all started yellin and screaming how Brutus had gone on their land and after havin his way with their animals had caused all kinds of property damage and they was gonna call the Sheriff. The Preacher says you come here to God’s house wearin those filthy coveralls. That just be showing disrespect to everybody. I said you all be a bunch of super…err…stupidstsh…err you know folks who think the worst is gonna happen. He said yea as a matter of fact you all know the world is gonna end soon and if you don’t do what I say you all gonna die a terrible, horrible death being consumed and torn apart by all kinds of monsters. Mr Lucifer was there and he say hush up preacher that be my line.

Yea apparently that preacher thought the only safe place was the old mine and he had his congregation clear out the rock that we had caused to cave in and they found all the mailmen. Why they had survived all this time and they ran out of there and looted the town before disappearing. They found that Obama fella lying intoxicated in the street and carried him off.

That Mr Death fella was hanging around the barber shop and after what happened last week folks were afraid to come in and business was down. I asked him where Mr. Lucifer had gone. He vanished mighty fast after services. He said he had to leave suddenly and go to the Middle East to personally take charge of all the mayhem goin on there.

On the way over to the hardware store to pick up all the gear I had ordered for our big raid Bert said Festus was around town and he be acting kind of peculiar. He went into the bait shop and ate all the bait. Then he went to the feed store and ate a bunch of goat chow and then went over to Sue’s place and she had some rare oriental afro…err… actrodeci…err you know that stuff those sex crazed people want and ate all of that. I caught him comin out of the saloon where he was chewing up some bottles and I said you better calm youself down cause you ain’t acting right. He said it was those bullets he got shot with. He said they affected his brain and now he be troubled by not knowing the correct usage of affect and effect and it was so troubling him and then he saw all those shavers on that SRP site and they be troubled by it too and he wondered if they all be shot in the head 5 times. I said well you know those guys. They have more troubles in their heads with their shaving mania than your five holes in the head and having only half a brain. He said yea maybe they only have half a brain.

Well that made him feel better and he said he was gonna go home to baaaby. As I passed the Post Office there was a commotion and there was this guy there. He said he was from China and he was sent to collect on some big debt we owed his people and he was sent here by the folks in Washington who said they didn’t have the money to pay so he was gonna take folks back to China to work as slaves until the big debt is all paid off. He said some guy called John Boner told him the president was here and he can have him. I told him the mailmen broke out and took him with them. He said we have 30 days to send him to China or they was gonna use their secret weapon against us.

Hmm…I don’t have no time for this nonsense we need to gather our forces and we need to execute our big plan against the Utes. We already sent that Tom De lay guy up there as our big spy, someone said he be a big famous dancer so we dressed him up as what you call it one of them flamingo dancers and Mr Sasquatch gave him a secret radio like you see on those T.B programs from the past and he be feedin us all manner of vital information about the goings on at the Res.

I gotta get home and get a good meal in me and get a good nites sleep cause early in the morning we be all leavin for the res. Only problem is when I got home the wife left me a letter saying she left for a week to visit her cousin and Brutus is tellin me he’s unhappy with the cut we promised him. He wants more. There’s also some guy from the Gov’t sayin he be from the Bureau of Indian Affairs and they heard about our caper and they want a cut too because the Gov’t needs to steal more from the Indians cause they haven’t gotten enough.

Mr Sasquatch just called me and said that De lay fella called and told him there’s this big bunch of mailmen running towards the res and they got this Obama fella with them. Hmm…I wonder what’s goin on. On my front porch is that guy from China and Mr. Death is with him. Hmm…

The brainbuster for this week, talking about the middle east, well we know what a western razor looks like and a Japanese razor but how about a traditional middle eastern razor eh? How about that? Yea, you guys think you know it all. What about that guy, that member he calls hisself menial or something like that? He think he know it all bout razors.

Is there an illustrated version of this story?


All the words are crowding my eyeballs!!!!!

-Rob

Originally Posted by sicboater

Is there an illustrated version of this story?


All the words are crowding my eyeballs!!!!!

-Rob

Yea, there be one but that be for all those folks who never learned to read or write. That be you?

I got an e-mail from John Boner. He say I be disrespecting him by misspelling his name and folks are gonna think the wrong things about him. I guess he not be proud of his name.

I got an E-mail from the President of China. He said he don't want that Obama fella. He say he's not an American and he only wants Americans for slaves.

This thread sure is lonely.

Good thing I can't read to see just how lonely!

Where I am I? Deliverence?

Now just on account of you folks gettin into High School don't give you no right to get smart alicky with us.

Great story and super sense of humor. Too bad others can't read Keep up the good work.

I got an E-Mail from Bingo the Gorilla at the big city zoo. He says don't you even suggest for a moment I'm related to you sorry creatures.