Thread: Thebigspendurs Epic Tonsorial Misadventures-#86

Good morning shaving fiends

Once a month we have a family meet. This time be our turn so the clan be over for dinner and we usually play some game. The missus and Auntie usually doing typical womenfolk things and the rest of us, well sometimes we pitch horse shoes or practice shootin little animals with our slingshots. This time Cletus suggested we do like the rich folk do and play cards. We be tryin to find a good card game but they be too complicated. Bert was a tellin me about some game that we can play and we be practicing real hard but it still be kind of complicated but we finally got the hang of it. Hey, Jethro what you call this game? Oh yea Go Fish. I still can’t figure out how you keep track of the cards though.

I told you all about Cletus and his new business. Calm down boy I’m a gonna tell them about it all. Yea he be excited bout it.

You all know Cletus and his expert ways of dealing with metal of all kinds and his expert blacksmithin abilities. Yeas he makes some of the best razors this side of Lahore. Yea he realized how there are so many folks like him who be real talented with all manner of things but they got no way to prove it so they be held back being poor folk livin up in the hills. So he gonna announce the New Mexico Institue of Hard Knocks. So this is how it works, what you say? It be some phony scheme to get your money and cheat you? Not at all You write to Cletus and he send you what you call it a ?aire and you tell him all bout your special ability and he gonna judge your qal….err…qlulor…err you know, if you tellin the truth and he check with the experts in town and then he grant you a diploma and you be an expert.

You hankering for the details? Why I be right glad you asked. Say you always wanna be a preacher. Well you send him your experience and he give that to the preacher and he and his snakes be judging you. Yes those snakes be real strict and they can tell. Yes if you be a pious man and know your scripture you be an official preacher. Maybe you be a preacher and you also be real smart and know how to control other folks well then you be a monsignor. Yea and in addition to your diploma you get an official ring and those folks when they see your ring they gotta genuflect and kiss it. How about that!

Maybe you know you be a Honemaster and you can’t get folks to buy your service cause no folk will vouch for you. Well you just send Cletus a few of your razors you honed and he take them to baaaby and she be real expert at eyeballin those razors and if that bevel and edge ain’t just right she won’t approve.

Maybe you be a hankering to be one of those pistolero type dudes who wanna be a police. Well we get Vasoline and he check how good a shot you are and what kind of donuts you like and see if you know the law and can take bribes without getting caught or how many strokes with a 6 cell flashlight it take to beat a body senseless. Maybe you wanna be a sawbones. Well we have old Doc Paine check you over real good. He be checkin how much whisky you can drink without passin out and if you can operate on folks while intoxicated and if you know about the body. Maybe you wanna be a game warden. Well we have the badgers check you out real good and after you be approved all those wild animals they just cower in fear when you approach them and they see that badge you a wearin (exceptin Brutus cause he don’t care bout no stinkin badges he just kill you on sight)

Yea, just about every skill out there we can take care of for you. You gonna get a nice diploma and you also get a testimonial too. Maybe you get a solid brass bring for your finger with genuine colored glass in it. Maybe you get an official Badge. So how much would you be willing to pay to get this? This will be the unlocking to your future.

You know it be expensive to have all these experts check you out and give you all this authority. Cletus will charge you $200 for a testimonial and for a diploma and official certification that be $500. If you have that advanced know how you can get a PhD for $1000 and if you want an advanced degree involving some church that cost more cause the preacher gotta donate part of that money to hisself-har har. Maybe you wanna be… a…. what they call it that bird man…. the Cardinal. If you can prove it you pay $5000 for that.

Now I know what you a sayin. Who is gonna recognize these things you a gonna get. Well you can take comfort and put your mind at ease cause we have all manner of special and world famous people who in this committee on acred…err…orcredit…err…you know they say it be good and they back up what we give you. Yea we have worldwide acceptance. This committee be made up by Mr Gadafi, Hugo Chavez, Fidel Castro, Milton Obote, Joseph Mobutu, Pol Pot, Kim Jong Il, Robert Mugabe, Than Shwe, Baby Doc. Now you can’t go wrong with these world renowned experts eh?

Cletus is expectin a big rush and I know you wanna be the first in your town to be an official expert no matter the field so to give you a reason to act now why we give you a discount for a testimonial. Yea you can get that for a limited time for one dollar!!!! Wow.

And soon we gonna have those experts on T.B tellin the world bout this and once that happens we gonna have to raise those prices. We was gonna have that world famous personality, he called Billy the Mays sellin for us but he be dead. Then we was gonna have that other world famous personality do it Vince Schlomo but he be engaging in those wicked ways and Mr Lucifer take him.

So the shaving brainbuster for this week, well just think if YOU had a testimonial how much you could charge those fiends on that shaving site. They be throwing their money at you they be like a bunch of sharks at feeding time. Yea they go into a what you call it a feen…err…frez….err, you know they go crazy over this. Yea and you can be in control of them.

Someone said we shouldn't bother with those complicated card games. We should just play something called "old maid". Any of you experts with that game? Is it too hard to learn?

I got an E-Mail from Bernie Madoff. He wants to be on our accreditation panel. He can certify folks who want to be financial planners.

I got an E-Mail from Steve in Troy, N.Y he says he wants to be certified to be a Politician. I told him we ain't got no crooks on our panel so we can't do that.