Good morning shaving fiends

Cletus, jethro and myself, this morning we went down to the old mine and behind that mine is a big pit what you call a querie. It be closed up years ago and filled with water and the youngans used it to swim in until some dang fool had this pet Crocodile and he got tired of him and set him loose in there and another idiot emptied his fish tank full of those what you call them Pirhana and the youngans began to disappear one by one. Yea they closed it off and put a fence around it with some warning signs but since most folks around here can’t read, well it don’t matter anyway. So after years people think there be monsters in the water and they come and throw all manner of pets and critters in there to see them be devoured by the monster. Yea it be fun to watch. Jethro brought some little rabbits and baby chicks and threw them in and you can see some shadows in the water and some thrashing and screaming and then they just be gone.

Well that be fun and on the way back to the compound we be on the state highway and while we was parked on account of Jethro having to relieve himself this big truck passes us by and it says Fedex on it. Why we never did see such a big truck before. Why it must have had 60 wheels on it and it be pulled and pushed by these big diesel tractors. So we got ahead of it and we put down our spike strips and waited. Yea it’s didn’t take long but nothing happened. So we got ahead of it and jethro got out a few sticks of dynamite and set it off when the truck went over it but it don’t do nothing either.

Now we be really excited. What can possible be in that truck? Now Jethro got a quart of that nitro stuff and he put it on the roadway and when those tires rolled off it why the ground quaked by the blast. Yea, that trailer was blown open and those trucks was a pile of junk and those drivers was all ablaze. We put the fire out and told them they took the wrong turn and told them to start a runnin for their lives cause in this parts there be those drug crazed backwards hillbillies and if they catch em they’ll eat em. I never did see two fellas run so fast.

Yea we went into the ravine and pried open the trailer and you know what we found in there. Heck nothing. Just some big old chunk of rock. Now imagine why would someone put this big chunk of rock in a truck and be movin it like that. Jethro and Cletus were walkin away and I notice the bill on the rock and noticed it be going up north to that big spender fella. Now I know he wouldn’t be buying some worthless rock. We tried getting it out but we couldn’t budge it and we had to move it before the state patrol came by. We got memphy and Brutus and Sasquatch and Mr. Whitey and they be tryin with all their might and could barely move it. We finally got it out and pushed it down the hill where it would be safe. We came back the next morning to take a closer look at it. I saw on the bill it be sent all the way from someplace called bellgum. Cletus looked at it and said you know what this is? I said no. He said it was the worlds biggest Coticule. Yea it be the Colossal Coticule. Yea we gonna take it to the compound and set it up and it gonna be a tourist trap. Folks who like to hone are gonna have to come from miles around just to see it and they pay plenty to do that not including we build a pettin zoo for the youngans cepting the animals we gonna have be bitin their fingers off. Auntie can set up a snack bar. Yea we gonna fleece the folks plenty. We be on easy street now. It was a job but they finally got it back and we built a stand for it. Why it was 20 feet wide and 200 feet long and 5 feet thick.

The first person we invited to see it was the preacher. We thought he could give it a special blessing and he be an expert knife sharpener. Yea he got out of his truck and as he saw it he began to cry and sob and those snakes they just be dead right there. Yea he got right up to it and fell on his knees and began to jerk his body all around like those folks who be touched by those evil spirits. Yea then he starts talkin in some foreign tongue we couldn’t understand. Jethro says that be Japanese. Jethro says, I get old Fujimoto. I says no not him he be crazy as a loon.

(The Story of Fujimoto)

Yea old Fujimoto, he be some fancy pants chief during that War, what you call it World War 5 or 6. He be a leader of those what you call Kara…um….err…kaza….err…you know them guys who crash their aeroplanes into big boats. Yea Fujimoto and his spies located the American Fleet and he talk his boss into taking all those crazy dudes up and destroying all the Americans. So his boss said OK and sure enough they locate the fleet but Fujimoto’s plane wouldn’t work so he just flew around and watched his guys sink every boat down there and win the war for the homeland. Old Fujimoto ran out of gas and crashed in the ocean and he was picked up by a Japanese boat and they got him onboard and…hey wait a minute that was an American boat and they be treatin him like a king once they realized who he was. Yea old Fujimoto was a great pilot but not so good a navigator. He found the wrong fleet and sunk the entire Japanese navy. Yea they sent him to Washington and gave him a medal and some land in these parts up on Wheeler Peak. Yea he bought a sword from the local gunshop at the time but it be made in China and when he tried that Her-…err---hari…well you know he tried to kill hisself the sword just broke in half and when he tried to shoot hisself in the head he missed. So now he be some crazy hermit.

We went and fetched old Fujimoto and by the time we got back the preacher was writtin something on the stone. Fujimoto said he be crazy but he a sayin this be a magic rock and those who be only pious and true honemasters can use it and when they approach it, it’s magical powers take them over and they turn into some honing fiends. Yea you could see the preacher , he look different and a hole opened up in the base of the rock and water started commin out only it wasn’t water. Old Fujimoto said it was Sake-some kind of Japanese Wine. We pulled the preacher away and we noticed he had a ribbon tied around his neck with Japanese writing on it. Fujimoto said it be some prayer thing. Yea the preacher be as crazy as a loon talkin bout some aviator fella he saw sittin atop the coticule. Then we noticed the side of the stone had all these writtins on it. Fujimoto said they be stamps and they say it be some ancient magic Japanese stone. I said it can’t be cause it be from that Bellgum place. He said he didn’t know how it wound up there but it be from Japan and priceless. I said good cause we cut it up and sell the pieces for plenty. Yea Cletus got some Nitro and placed it underneath and set it off. It was a huge blast but it did nothing to the rock. Twasn’t a mark on it. Well we gotta think about this.

Well next morning I be greeted at the door by that big spender fella. He said his hone never made it and he was told by those fedex fellas some wild tale of being hunted by cannibal hillbillies. They told him where the tracking info left off and he just followed it to our neck of the woods. I told him I didn’t know what he was talking about. He said he knew I was lying to him and that not be no ordinary rock and I didn’t realize what powers I was playing with. I said you want powers go into town and talk to that Obama fella.

I ran over to the compound and I could see directly something was wrong. Jethro says some fella in an aviators uniform saw him and kept asking him for some shavin supplies and Cletus said it was a ghost and he wanted a razor. All the animals had run off. Auntie said memphy told her the ghost said he wanted him for a giant strop to match the hone. When I went down to the Badger City they were in a panic and were packing up to leave. The head badger said some apparition said he need a giant badger brush and was gonna kill them all. Why I even saw the bear running for his life. He said some spirit said he was gonna take his hide and use it as a case for a giant razor.
Hey, whats going on around here? I went over to Old Fujimoto’s place but he be nowhere to be found. I went into the barn and he be hanging from the rafters with this huge shaving brush stuffed in his mouth. The poor guy must have been hungry and was chowing down on the brush and died. But how did he end up hanging there like that? I also seen this ribbon around his neck with that strange writtin on it and at his feet was a cup with some spirits inside. Wow the last time someone was murdered around these parts was when Jackson caught Jeff-bob stealing his apples from his orchard and fired a round through his 12 gauge thinking he had left rock salt in it but it turned out it was a slug.

The shaving brainbuster for this week, well why would someone ruin a perfectly good badger brush by eatin it? At least he could have been eatin a boar instead of a silvertip badger right?