Thread: Thebigspendurs Epic Tonsorial Misadventures #89

Good morning shaving fiends

Well, I went down to the Sheriffs’ Office and saw Vasoline, he be standing there with this group of strange looking dudes. They say they demand their bellgum stone back and they not gonna leave until they get it. They said it be way more serious then I realized. That colossal coticule be so powerful and so full of magic that they make it their God and they prey to it every day. So, they be accusing us of runnin away with their God. I told them there be problems cause these spirits want their stone back cause it not be from Bellgum and when Mr. Lucifer come back and find out about this rock he gonna curse anyone who got it. They say it’s not possible their stone God be from Japan. Yea they got so agitated they started to cry like babies and started begging. I felt so sorry I took em up to the ranch to visit their God. Yea they got out of the Studebaker and walked up to it and fell to their knees and started kissing this rock and fell down jerking their bodies all around. Then they start talking to it like it was a person and they start tellin it to go back to bellgum where it was from. Then they started to take razors from their pockets and started stroking those razors on the rock. Yea one guy starts tearing at the stamps on the rock and as they did that the rock started to bleed. Yea I seen it with my own ears. All of a sudden this lightning bolt comes out of the rock and these guys all be crispy critters and their celluloid scales be a pile of goo.

Yea, I didn’t see him but that Bigspendur Fella was a watchin and after he saw this he said he lost interest for this rock and didn’t want it no more. He said he have enough misfortune and didn’t need no more. So I guess this stone be ours now.

The missus said there was phone call and it was Cousin Festus. You all know he be on what they call it that special assignment for that shaving site. He gonna get all that skinny and information on all those razors. I asked him what was happening and what’s goin on in that England place. He said he only just got there. I said you been traveling for weeks now what’s goin on? He said he had a reservation for that aeroplane but they don’t allow no goats on the plane so he went and dressed Baaaby to look like some old lady and he was able to get her on the plane and he had her sittin in her seat and all of a sudden this fella sittin next to her he pulls out one of those electric shavers and started to shave hisself right there. Yea Baaaby don’t cotton to those electric shavers or the folks who use them one bit. So she bit the guy and took away his razor and chewed it all up. Yea that guy starts screaming and the folks thought it be those terrorists attacking and all those folks went berserk on the plane tearing it all up.That created mayhem and they throw the both of them off the aeroplane.

So he be wandering around that New York City and finally they stow away on some big boat and landed in that England place. Then they try and check into that Hotel some dumb moderator from that shaving site picked out but they don’t let no goats in there and no bums either so they went to this place called Picadillo’s Circus figuring animals can stay at a circus and pitched a tent but one of those gay looking police with the funny hats told him he couldn’t stay there so they just wandering around.

I had to go into town and I stopped by the Daily Rag and spoke to Cornelius the Editor –in-Chief (of course he be the only employee there) and he be all getting ready to have Festus’s report about those Wade and Butcher blades so he can tell those folks at that razor site all about it but there be no report. I told him Festus was havin some problems but he be on it and he be reportin real soon. Mr Sasquatch had set up a satellite transmission system for him and gave Festus a special phone so they could be a talkin with each other.

I had to get with Mr Sasquatch cause I had to figure out what to do with the Colossal Coticule. He said that thing will cause too much trouble and that spirit is a fixin to have his day with anyone who gets in his way. Just then Chi-Chi comes runin in and says he just heard from our sister city in Japan and talked with the only livin survivor of that big wave. He said he told him a fantastic story and he didn’t believe his eyes so we went back and called him up and Mr. Sasquatch made that recording and this fella said there be monkey business goin on and it be no accident that wave come and killed all those folks but the Government people they be lying and he saw what really happened and he gonna let the world know. I said you must be drunk I saw it all on that T.B all the water and the wave. He said that be phony done on a Hollywood sound stage just like the moonlanding years ago. It all be fake. He says it be that Mr Godzilla. That Earthquake why it sent a big rock down on his head waking him up and putting him in a sour disposition and he came ashore and he destroyed everything and killed all those folks. That’s why there be this radio…err…radia….err you know that heat with no fire. Yea that old Mr Godzilla loves that radia…err..well you know. He eats it for dinner and he attacked those power plants and all that smoke you saw was his hot breath burning through the buildings.

I said I don’t believe you. That’s those phony Japanese monster movies. Why I saw one at the theatre just the other week. He said no, it’s true and he’s the only survivor to see it. He said some dang fool made a deal with Mr Lucifer many years ago and he created Mr Godzilla, who we folks in Japan really call Mr Gojira and now we be cursed and he come to take his revenge on us when he feels like it. I said now why would Mr Lucifer do that to you? He said it’s an old story like some lore about two families who been fightin it out and they called Mr Lucifer to help them and one family tried to outsmart Mr Lucifer and when they tried to double cross him he create that monster that can never die.

Wow that be a fantastic story and of course it all involve those shavin razors.

I think I better get with Auntie cause she be one of those mystical people and we gonna have what you call it a say once and we gonna communicate with this spirit and we gonna get to the bottom of this cause I don’t want no Mr. Godzilla comin around these part with his hot breath. He be big and mean and can whop even Brutis. Yea I saw in that movie how he tear down all of that Tokio place.

The brainbuster for this week? Well do you think that Coticule is so good you would pray to it? Maybe if you did you would never need nothing else to keep your razors extra sharp. What do you think?

I got this E-Mail from some fool in that Bellgum Place. He say he been hiding a terrible secret but a few months ago when they came to work there just be a big hole in the ground and all the hone rock be gone. He be diggin up worthless rock and painting it yellow to fool the fools. He gonna go to the world court to get it back. What's the world court? He gonna play tennis or something? You all surprised I know about that tennis game. yea we got that wold famous player Puncho Gonzalez livin in these parts.