Thread: Thebigspendurs Epic Tonsorial Misadventures #90

Good Morning Shaving Fiends

I was in the barn cleaning seeing as how all the animals fled in terror. I already paid the badger city a visit with the steam roller-har har. Even the missus packed and went into town and is staying in a spare room behind the shop. I finally have some real peace and quiet around here. No smart talk from the missus and no stupid talk from the animals. I might finally be able to do some real work around here. Maybe I’ll build a real bathroom so we don’t have to use the latrine. Hmm, maybe I’ll change that old pump head in the kitchen and have a real faucet. For that I’m gonna have to trek up in the hills and dig out the spring to increase the water pressure.

I was cleaning out the hen house and I notice that old fox was sittin there watchin me. You see we have a deal he can come once a week and take one hen and he leaves me alone the rest of the time. So he says you know Mr Lucifer is back in town. I said no, he ain’t supposed to be here for at least another week or two. You just joshin me aren’t you besides how would you know. He says ain’t I a fox? Yea you are. Ain’t foxes smart animals? Maybe but you ain’t. So he says we know about these things and since all the big guys cleared out of here we’re cleaning up around these parts.

Well I just tried to be noncel….err…nonchel…err…you know be cool but I jumped in the Studebaker and got over to the compound. Yea they was getting ready for Easter and the festivities and the big egg hunt just that we don’t use no eggs we use hand grenades and paint them in all manner of festive colors and bury them with a spring trigger like a land mine and the kiddies have to find them and disarm them without blowin themselves up. Yep, they learn early around these parts, or they be dead.

I found Jethro and asked him if he heard about Mr Lucifer and he said yea he’s hangin around the shop with his sidekick Mr Death. What are we gonna do with the colossal coticule? Well, we dragged it in back of Cletus’ forge. I said yea but that rocks still bleeding I can see a stream of blood. Yea he says we gonna clean that up.

Well just then the phone rang and it was cousin Festus. He finally done filed his report. He said he was in this big house and managed to steal all manner of things like old brushes and strops. He said he learned some fantastic things about Mr Wade and Mr Butcher and those folks on that shavin forum ain’t gonna believe their ears when they see it.

Well it was time to face the music so I jumped in the car and headed into town. As I was drivin I notice next to me this ribbon and a glass of spirits. Hmm not bad but our moonshine tastes better. All of a sudden I hear this strange voice he say you drink our sacred wine? I said sure. He said, you be the guy with my honing stone. I said who are you? He said you don’t wanna know who I am. He said I was gonna haunt you and take your soul but you don’t have one what happened to it? As a matter of fact none of you people around here have one. What kind of place is this. I never seen such stupid people in my life or after it. Too bad you folks weren’t fightin the war then we would have won. I said you be that aviator fella huh? He said yes I am and your gonna help me get all my shaving gear back. I said you better watch out cause Mr Lucifer and Mr Death are my friends and they gonna fix your wagon. Well I never did see a ghost turn white like that Har har. Then he disappeared in a hurry.

Well I got into town and those two were in the back of the shop. Mr Death starts in right away with yea that’s him he cheated me he and his buddies. I want them and I want them now. I didn’t make my quota for the week because of them and the big guy spanked me. Mr Lucifer said what you talking about? You talking trash again? You be intoxicated again? I warned you about that. NO I ain’t intoxicated. Well you go to that Ivory Coast Place and you get all the customers you want. I don’t wanna see you around here for a week or two. So I says to him, well thanks Mr L. He says don’t thank me I just wanted him out of my hair, if I had any Har har. He says I know there be some mischief around here and my boy Death told me how last week he took some crispy critters from your relations place. He said they told him they be praying to their God something about a big rock. Now that wouldn’t be the Colossal Coticule would it? I said how you know about that? He said are you kidding? I’m the one who made that thing. Those foolish people, every time they use any coticule they be slowly selling their soul to me. I’ve gotten thousands over the ages. As a matter of fact there be a few fellas who work for me. To save themselves they talk the innocents into using these stones and then I got them years later. I said, so what you gonna do? He says well I don’t have to do anything. Your going to bring it to me otherwise I’m gonna tell mr Godzilla to come to Los Angeles and he’s gonna take out all those Republicans livin there. I said you know there be this spirit of some aviator and he be spookin everybody around these parts and even scared off all our animals exceptin Brutus cause he not be scared of anything.

Mr Lucifer said, oh him. Yea I fixed his wagon he be livin between the two worlds obsessed with shavin supplies. He can’t help himself and I did that to him cause he be the last of his family. They tried to double cross me and no one ever does that so I did that to him. He’s harmless don’t worry about him. Once you bring me that rock I’m gonna send it back to Japan where it belongs and then all those folks who pray to it gonna realize they be made fools of but it be too late for them cause they all be mine. Come to think of it you know that old guy livin in the hills that Fujimoto guy? I said yea he be dead. Yea I did that to him. We be processing his spirit and as soon as he be finshed he gonna go after that aviator fella and they gonna battle to the finish through all eternity. They both be tortured. I make them shave with a dull razor with cold water and use Gillette foamy and they finish with Lilac Vegetal. If that ain’t torture I don’t know what is.
So I took Mr L up to the compound and he got that Colossal Coticule and he do some hocus pocus and it burst into flames and just disappear with him.

Well if that don’t beat all. I gotta go round up all the animals now. Boy them badgers be plenty mad when they get home and see their city in shambles. The shavin brainbuster for this week, well I hope none of you been usin that Colossal Coticule. Yea, I guess those folks who been pushin that thing on you really be workin for Mr L. and when it be your turn to leave this world you be all his. But don’t worry down where you all go there be plenty of hot water for your shaves-har har.

Soon we be reportin about those Wade and Butcher Razors. I saw Festus’s report and it be astounding.

I got an E-Mail from the California Republican Club. They wanted to know why I threatened them with some big monster coming to LA to take them out. Monster I says? You better watch out than Donald guy with the bad hair come and eat you all up.

Whose the wiseArse who wrote me saying I'm being a fool lettin that fox take one hen a week?