Thread: Razor Lore-#1-The True Story of Wade and Butcher.

Razor Lore #1

The True Story of Wade and Butcher

Hi Folks I’m Cornelius Dipslope and I’m the Editor-in-Chief of the Daily Rag and it be fallin to me to take you all on this wondrous journey to uncover the truth about our beloved straight razors. Festus Folsom our man on the road and his faithful companion Baaby the goat are hard at work to discover the real truth. We promise to tell it all be it good or bad yea, we don’t push no punches.

Our first story concerns those world famous Wade and Butcher razors you all prize.

So our story begins a long time ago in Merry England (but I donna rightly know what’s so merry bout it). Back in those days they calls the middle ages folks loved their Panasonic Lectric Razors, that is if they be invented then or had that electricity and they be lovin their Gillette razors that be if Gillette had been born yet but he wasn’t. So why couldn’t those folks invent all this stuff back then? They must be stupid folk unlike us.

Back in them days the folk don’t have no last names. They be like dogs. Here sparky or here fred yea they be treated worse than dogs and they be known by they’re charac…um…carit…err…you know by how they was. So you had John the handsome or Fred the ugly. Then one day those revenuers come. We don’t cotton to them round these parts and they know not to come. Yea they come and give folks last names to collect taxes from them. So they come to this village and they ask these folks who those folks next door to you. They say yea you best take care cause that old man John the meanhearted he be expert with that big axe and he kill you if he want and he do it slowly. So they name him John Butcher and that’s how he got his name. But the rats come with the germs and killed him and his missus (round these parts ain’t nothing more succulent then a nice juicy wood rat braised with bacon fat and wild vegetables) and that left young Butcher all alone so he moved to London and he walk the streets and back alleys armed with his pa’s axe and a couple of straight razors. Yea he be well known to the police.

One day he fall asleep outside a shop and in the morning the owner, he find him and challenge him and the boy, he pull his razor out on him and rob him but the owner just laughed and say to him “boy, you good with that razor”. He invited him in cause he be a barber and he make him his appre…err….aptren…umm….you know he be his slave. Yea he learned all there was to learn and in those days barbers were like sawbones (unlike the drunken sot Doc Paine who we got around these parts) so he learned that sawbones stuff too. It be a rite shame that this barber he be Sweeny Todd and he teach the boy how to kill his customers and hide the bodies. Eventually he be caught by the police and sentenced to hang but the boy gave him a razor in a visit and he kill hisself.

Yea, young Butcher grew to be a hulking man. He be mean and he be ugly and big with that what you call it a vulture eye and walked with a swagger and everyone fear him cause he be a killer. One day the Lord Magistrate of London be riding by with the Chief of Police and they see the police tryin to quell a disturbance and there be bodies flyin everywhere. The Chief says yea that be young Butcher. The Magistrate says hmm you have him brought to me tomorrow morning.

The Magistrate says to Butcher you wanna die or you wanna work for me? So Butcher becomes the Lord High killer. Yea you be in the tower of London waitin to die and he be the dude who do you in. But he could be a very fair and compassionate exec….err…esit…umm…you know the guy who kills you. Yea he give it the personal touch and visit with every client and talk to them to put their mind at ease cause he not be full of no hate for no one. He treat everyone the same whether you be rich or you be poor or you be famous or a no body. But if you rich and famous you pay for a quick death or you be killed slowly.

Yea he be famous and folks come with their kids to see him work and they make a picnic out of it. Yea he gave a show. He had this tent he hide in and first they bring out the chump and he be tied up and then they have this gal come out I think it was Britney Spears and she dance all over and then the horns sound and the drums roll and mist comes out and he come out with his outfit (yea he be dressed like Elvis) and makeup and folks say he be so terrifying looking some folks just die on the spot from fear.

One day some rich duke (I think it be the Duke of Ducks or something) he refused to pay and as Butcher came out he danced all around and made fun of him and Butcher became enraged and he killed him little by little chopping him up piece by piece. Yea the dogs came from all around to lap up the blood and the folks all get sick and the Magistrate he be thrown out of office and even the King hear about it and they throw Butcher into that terrible famous prison.

While in prison he met Mr Wade. Yea he be a famous mass murderer from Sheffield way. Yea they become friends and they give shaves and tended to the inmates and guards and Butcher taught him everything. Once they got out they opened a barber shop on Fleet Street in London and quickly became famous for giving the best shaves in the city. They soon opened up a cutlery store and specialized in straight razors. Little did the folks know they tested out their new designs on the folks who roam the back alleys of London. As he got older Wade got interested in witchcraft and some say he be one of those war…err…wllo…err….you know a man witch and they hold ceremonies late at night at the factory and they put a curse on all the razors. Yea the police had these unsolved murders that became known as the BBS killings cause the victims had either their throats slit or they were chopped into little pieces but they were expertly shaven on one side of their face. Yea they never found the guilty parties and Wade and Butcher prospered making both partners rich and famous. We here tell that years later it was Mr Wades Great great great Grandson that be that famous Jack the Ripper fella. Yea, they never found him either. As a matter of fact the rarest of all Wade and Butcher Razors which be worth millions if you had one be (which be similar to that Duck Man who make the Grim Reaper) the model called The Jumbo Jack. Yea it be an extra big wedge big enough to do a body in and it have blood red horn scales and it have engravin on it of the master doin his deeds. Yea Festus saw one in some rich folks house in Leeds.

So that be the real story of Wade and Butcher so the next time you wield that big razor just remember those guys whose names are on that razor cause a little bit of them went into every razor and some of that behavior is being transferred to you.

Now next time we have a real treat for you all. Since those prices on those Filly Razor gone through the roof Festus is gonna investigate that and find out why. Festus got what you call it a soup and he been told some member of some shavin site is hoarding thousands of those razors in his attic so he gonna get the dope on that and we be here to tell you all about that Senor Monserrat guy and his company.

what is this? it's hardly legible. not a big fan of the consuetudinal "be"

that be a might fine story there bigspender lol. for real thats something to pass the time.

That was an excellent story Cornelius. I look forward to your next installment.

I have to be honest, it was a good story but a struggle to read. It'll be interesting to read the Filly installment as well

Ah founds it a stroogle ta reed has will. So's I gats me cuzin to come do the reedin' since I cain't reed. Gots her ta do th' typin too, so's ah cood replah. Then we wents to the hayloft and...Well, that bee none yorn beesness.


Mick