Good morning shaving fiends

(Hot Flash-Razor Lore #1 has already been posted)

This time of the year in these parts we have this issue with really honkin bad winds. They usually blow from out the west and unless you got everything tied down real good well it’s gone. Last year it was so bad Duane had his whole chicken coop blown to who knows where. Cletus was working on his forge and a gust came along and backed down the chimney and blew those coals right into his face. Good thing he’s already ugly it was only an improvement. I had to walk over to Petes place cause he’s got 500 head of dairy cows and he got this sump and the wind was blowin that dreadful smell on my property and I told him last year I wasn’t gonna stand for it anymore. He said he’d take care of it but he didn’t so I was a fixin to do it for him. So me and memphy paid him a visit last nite and we dug a trench from the dam to his root cellar and when I went over there this morning, well…har har…he had a real mess on his hands not to mention everywhere else.

Well, the missus and I we got dressed in our Sunday best and went over to the compound cause we gonna have a say once and we gonna get rid of those evil spirits that’s been causing trouble round these parts cause of that Colossal Coticule. Yep Auntie, she be from a long line of those mountain folk who you know have those stupidnatural powers to cause all manner of things to happen. You crops dying cause of no rain she’ll fix that right up. You got pests? (no, not the youngans) she’ll take care of that too.

So we had the usual fine meal she always fixes and then we all sit around the table, I brought Mr L with us he said he wouldn’t miss this for the world. So we all join hands and she a starts to moan and groan and asks those spirits to make themselves known and all of a sudden no less than President Nixon is a standin there right in front of us. Why we didn’t expect that. We asked if he had a message and he says you folks better stop calling me a crook cause the folks you got runnin the country now they be the real crooks then he disappear. Then there be lightning and thunder and there be critters fallin from the sky and then Mr L starts laughing his butt off. He says sorry I just couldn’t resist.

So Auntie starts again and low and behold it’s old Diablo standin there. He said he didn’t cotton much to being killed and eaten by the folks. Cletus tells him he be too smart for his britches (if a horse wore them) and he needed killin. Old Diablo said well, in a few years I’m a gonna be seeing you, you know where. Cletus says you be wrong I a aint gonna go down there I live a good clean life. Mr L started laughin so hard he fell out of his chair. He say there be such a long line of spirits a waitin to talk to you all they be backed up for years. So he cleaned up the line and brought the young aviator in and there he was. Yea he went over to Mr L and he start cryin like a baby. He say he be forced to search high and low for shaving gear that don’t exist and can’t go to his reward and to make matters worse when he was alive he don’t even use a straight razor he use a DE. Mr L said yea that’s the beginning of your problem. Your whole family used those Japanese Razors and you be a disappointment to them usin those American made DE’s. You just be a whimp and that started you on the path to where you be now. Not only that but you whole family be mighty warriors and you be a disappointment to them. Then he get old Fujimoto and he tell him he disgraced his country and couldn’t even kill hisself and he didn’t even want him in Hell but was forced to take him. So he tell them both you be destroyed by the forces that be brought to this earth by the actions of your families. I gonna put you both in those aeroplanes and you gonna fight Mr Godzilla and he gonna take care of both of you just like he do to the Japanese Air Force in those stupid monster movies. Yea he make crispy critters of your souls and then you be with me. Then he made them disappear. He said you won’t be havin no trouble from them anymore. Not only that but now I’ve taken care of both their families for good since there be no more of them. They thought they could put one over on me and they all learn the hard way.

So I asked him what the deal with the Colossal Coticule is. He said well it be from Japan but it be taken to Belgium and now it gonna stay there and I make the original rock grow and it all be cursed and those folks on that shavin site that use it they all be mine. They think they be big shot Honemasters but they just be given those skills by me and when they time is up on this earth they be with me Har Har. Cletus say, hey wait I use one of those stones and I ain’t gonna go with you. Mr L says I don’t know what the deal is with you people. None of you got no souls around these parts. I haven’t figured this out yet. I got an appointment with the big guy next week and we gotta discuss that Mr Death fella and I gotta discuss his bad drinkin habit and we’ll discuss this place and all of you. I’ll get to the bottom of this. Then he vanished.

I was about to say to Jethro and then the phone rang and it was Festus. Yea, he finally get on the right track and he filed his report so as soon as our editor-in-chief get around to it I reckon another week or two and you have you first episode of “Razor Lore”. Yea Festus say baaaby done stoled one of those gay hats those police wear and now she be wearing it and it suits her fine. He say they be up in that Scott’s land place and they see all the sheep and goats up there but baaaby get jealous and knock Festus on his butt and made him leave. So now they on their way to that Spanish place where they make all that rice but they be goin in that big tunnel and they be picked up cause they be cookin lunch and Festus done start a fire and they have to evac…err…uhh….ebatu…you know get those folks the hell out there fast but they see baaaby with the police hat and think she be some official police animal and leave them alone. So they be walkin thru this tunnel by themselves and when they get to the other side these guys who talk funny and act funny arrest them cause they got no passports and they think they be terrorists come to blow up this France place.

Well, I think that be enough excitement for the time being. When we got home there was a welcoming committee of several badgers. They came home and found their city in shambles and they tracked the footprints to my boots. I told them I didn’t know what they were talking about. They say they gonna fix my wagon. They done kidnapped the fox and put the word out I did it and reneged on our agreement and now those foxes gonna come from miles around to seek retribution and they gonna get all the chickens and all our small animals until I fix up their place.

Well if that don’t beat all. The shaving brainbuster for this week, well Mr L says that Aviator fella used DE’s. So didn’t all those Japanese Aviators use Japanese Straight Razors? What’s the straight dope here?