Thread: They Took it Away...waaaaa.

I was out in back shooting the pigeons off my neighbors roof with my pellet gun (darn pesky creatures roosting on the vents and doing their thing all over) when I hear this commotion out front. As I get there this contingent of SUVs is out there and my neighbor across the street who was waxing his truck was telling them to move from the front of his house as they were blocking his driveway. Suddenly and without warning I observed one of these jack booted thugs administer the bite of the butt of an AR-15 to the Solar Plexus of my neighbor as I watched him crumple to the pavement.

These three dudes said they were here to administer the final exam for my Gillette Straight Razor. They asked me all manner of questions about how to prep for the shave and what the proper water temperature should be and the chemical make-up of their shave gel and the theory of how their system was the best. I had to draw a diagram of the co-valent bonding of the molecules. Then I had to sing the Gillette jingle with perfect pitch. They made me demonstrate proper field stripping procedures for the razor while blindfolded and timed. Then they made me shave with a standard razor while these two dudes dressed as marine DI’s stood on either side of me yelling at the top of their lungs all kinds of derogatory things about me.

I spied two dudes wandering around my house and spying my shaving gear and one was fondling my Ivory brush which made me unholster one of the two Colt Single Action .45 Revolvers I always carry with me. They stopped that in a hurry.

I aced the written exam and then they made me demonstrate proper pre shave technique and I aced that too. Then it was time for the actual shave. As I put the razor to my face it started to vibrate and then administered an electric shock to me. Hey, what’s going on? The dude said, “it doesn’t like you”. What do you mean it doesn’t like me, it’s an inanimate piece of metal. The dude say’s oh no it’s loaded with artificial intelligence and it has feelings. It detected something as one of the other dudes comes running in and says “hey boss this guy’s one of those straight shavers, he’s got hundreds of them”. Well that’s the problem our razor is jealous of your other razors. Not only that but you being an experienced straight shaver makes you incorrigible and not the kind of person our organization wants to associate itself with. Then one of the dudes says yea and he’s a member of that shaving site that’s always attacking us.

Well things started to get serious and I could see that fella was fingering the safety on that AR-15. Luckily I was able to grab the Uzi I keep behind the computer just in case of situations like this and when they saw I meant business they collected everything and left in a hurry.

As they left the gave me a dishonorable discharge from the shave trial and told me they were black listing me and I could never buy a Gillette product again and there would be posters with my picture put up in every shave products store in the world.

As they drove off they backed over my neighbor’s leg with one of the SUVs.

Well, while waiting at the emergency room with my neighbor I just had to reflect what a mean company that was and how lucky I probably was to not shave with that contraption. Suddenly my neighbor’s wife came running up and said you know, the gift shop, right by the Gillette Disposable razor display has a wanted poster with your picture on it. I had to go look at it. It said “wanted for unnatural, antiquated and improper acts with a shaving device”

All of a sudden I had the feeling people were staring at me.

Hmmm….

Well done. Love your creations.

Your poor neighbor need to learn to mind his business when the big black SUVs stop by.

Pigeon.... the other white meat...

I love these stories, I'm glad you ended up not having to use that contraption. If I see any of your posters up in my area ill be sure to tear em down for you. My best to your neighbor lol

-dan-