Thread: Sickness?

Another Thanksgiving Day has arrived and the missus has been planning this day for weeks now. Everything has been considered and will come off like clockwork just that she didn’t consider forgetting those ingredients so she sends me out to find them and then she forgets to check that fresh turkey which has now frozen in the fridge and then she sleeps too late so I’m running around to get what she forgot and she’s pouring water over the bird to defrost it.

Oh well, a quick shave before I go and I gotta order me some more shave supplies and “oh no you don’t just because you don’t got 10 of everything ain’t no reason to throw money away”. You just don’t understand woman, “oh yea I understand you got some sickness here”. You better lay down a spell you be agitated on account of the bird.

So that got me a thinkin. Sickness eh? Can that be true? Do we all have some sickness of a kind? Let’s explore this a bit.

Shaveitis- An uncontrollable urge to shave multiple times each day.

Stubbleosis-the unfortunate person keeps feeling stubble no matter how close the shave

Irrititus neverendi-Like the old Egyptian proverb-man with sore tooth can’t help but rub it more

Razoritus-Yes, just one more stroke or pass more should do it.

Razor mania-Just like a potato chip you can’t just have one..or two..or ten…or 100.

Packageopia-The afflicted will call in sick to work just to wait for that package of shaving supplies. This usually leads to an extreme variation sometimes called Fedex or UPSonia where the afflicted drives to the company depot and follows the driver around the city trying to get his package earlier.

Honeria-Folks collect so many hones I here tell eventually their house collapses under the weight.

Honeritis-The individual can’t stop honing until his razor has gone from an 8/8s to a 2/8s.

Laparitis-The unfortunate soul can’t stop lapping his hones. He keeps getting more scientific, accurate instruments to check the true on the hone until the hone has been totally worn away which leads to Hone Mania where the person keeps buying more and more hones to replace the ones he’s lapped away. It’s a vicious cycle leading to madness and death.

Sleep interuptus-The person keeps waking in his sleep yelling out the names of his razors and mimicking shaving in his sleep. (this usually leads to divorce)

MDC interceptaria-The person simply can’t get enough MDC products yet can’t afford the shipping costs so he robs a bank to get money to afford it. In severe cases he keeps robbing banks until he has enough money to rent a jet to take him there personally and fills it with soap products.

Escher madness-Too much time working on the stone causes dust from the stone to be inhaled and as everyone knows this particular stone is full of arsenic and over years the person simply goes mad.

Razoriti colomitus boxii-It starts as a project in the basement to make a box to store a few hundred razors and it is finely crafted to protect from everything, even soundproof but the maker builds the box around himself sealing it up and no one can hear the screams from within. Eventually the mummified body is discovered.

Gilletteamonia-The individual has a single minded hatred of Mr Gillette causing him to dun a cape, tights and mask and go around the city destroying all things Gillette.

Eboy sickness-I think this is self explanatory.

Chiste Humongus a spouseii-The poor man keeps promising his spouse he won’t buy anything more or maybe tries to convince her all the money he’s saving.

Afriendi Deflecti-All shaving deliveries go to a friend or neighbor to avoid detection. This is closely related to…

Employee Deflecti-the deliveries go to ones place of employment.

Soapamundi creatus-The boob creates his own soap using typical household ingredients resulting in the invention of the greatest explosive force known to mankind.

Elgato attrackti-The person makes his own aftershave and is highly successful however every cat in the neighborhood keeps following him around (warning-don’t go to the zoo)

Wetshavefrigioso-The shaver experiments with cold water and becomes so obsessed with it’s benefits he applies dry ice all over his skin for the ultimate effect.

The Vampire Effect-One exposure to a straight user and it’s like being bitten by a vampire. You become one.

Alum Blockii-The realization Alum is the cure for the common cold and is the only thing you need to survive anything in life.

Hmm…

If you can think of more feel free to add.