Thread: The Infrequent Shaving Misadventures of Thebigspendur.

When we last left our hero you will remember he had become friends with Mr. L and his sidekick Mr. Death via a caper involving some custom razors and other shaving paraphernalia on the local Indian Reservation involving Navajo Joe.

So, today finds this unlikely pair sitting out on the front porch of Thebigspendurs ranch hidden away in the remote mountains of Northern New Mexico as our story unfolds.

I don’t know Mr. L how your buddy there finds the time to lounge around the joint when he has so much work to do. Did I hear my name referred to (as Mr Death approached)? Mr L wasn’t happy cause Mr. Death was falling behind in his quota. It ain’t my fault boss, it’s this computer program you gave me. You said I could infect folks computers with this virus and then I could just sit here with this laptop and just reach out and cull all the souls I need. It just ain’t working out that way. Those N Koreans infected my machine and they stole the program. No telling what they be doing with it.

I said, why don’t we go down to the general store and see what’s shaking? They said why not? Besides Mr. L needed a haircut and ever since Miss Hogslapper took over the barber shop and replaced the shaving chimp with some gals from the local brothel…well…I think he just likes passing time with the ladies. Yea he has a devil of a time over there.

So we piled into the 59 Studebaker and went to town.

Yea when we got there it was the usual group sitting around the pot bellied stove. Jeb was cleaning his pistol looking down the barrel with his finger on the trigger and clem was honing his new 50/8s razor he had custom made by Suree Lamahmadian in Lahore, Pakistan. I said you never gonna get that sharpened. That’s a piece of junk. Old pete said if you use that you gonna kill yourself. Mr Death smiled and said well show us how it shaves right now. Clem said uh-no I gotta finish my progression. Mr L walked over and said well, if you sign on the dotted line I will instantly make this the sharpest razor in the world and as a special just for today when you die you can take it with you when you come to my place.

As you all recall our postal mistress Ms largebottom was discovered to have been stealing mail for years. Luckily our local UPS driver discovered the deed and turned her in so they gave the job to him. So I said to Russ where is today’s mail? It’s overdue. Jeb went over to the counter and sure enough Big Brown was sleeping behind the counter. Jeb squeezed off a shot next to his ear to wake him up.

He brought out a tattered box. Looks like the Gorilla got that one I said. Rufus jumped up (which is hard for him to do since he only got one leg and half a brain but that’s another story) and said those be me shaving supplies from that world famous shaving site the wounded badger.

He tore through the packaging and dumped his treasures out on the table. Hey, why look at that shaving brush it says genuine untreated skunk hair. Jeb picked it up and the handle fell on the floor with the knot left in his hands. Clem’s dog jumped up and grabbed the handle and ran out with it. There was also a bottle of something called #9 ambrosia water after shave. Jeb poured some on Jackson who was walking in and within seconds he kind of fell on the floor making all manner of jerking motions and foaming at the mouth. Yea on the back of the label it said “kills em dead instant rat eradicator” yea Big Brown said, it sure works.

In walked the unemployed shaving chimp who picked up the Gillette super rocket DE razor with official blue blades. Yea it was one massive chunk of rust. The chimp threw it out the door hitting the deputy in the head. What the chimp really liked was the 5/8s puma razor with the fancy gold medallion on it guaranteed to shave like a dream. He picked it up and began to shave Jackson who was already dead. Why that razor took the whole side of his face off. You could hear those horrible tearing noises. Mr L said why the problem was you didn’t strop it-har har. The shaving chimp started to throw feces at Mr. L. Hey, you be lucky I don’t deal in no animals or you’d be history already.

Portorfoy who owns the store walked in and threw everyone out. He said you good for nothings just sit around here and drink my beer and play with sharp instruments and guns. I don’t need no more bullet holes in my ceiling. On his way out the shaving chimp picked up the tub of cie la vie shave cream and threw it at him knocking him out.

So what happened to cousin Festus and Uncle Jed and Baaaby the goat and Auntie and the FedEx driver and Mr. Sasquatch and old Doc Paine and all the rest of the gang?

You also remember each story has a moral to it related to shaving. This one is don’t believe no shaving fiend when you go shopping for shaving supplies. Do plenty of research and look before you leap.

If you send me $1000 in unmarked bills I promise never to write another one of these again.

Are there back issues available to read? And what exactly is a shave chimp?

Fun story that with a purpose. As Ringo once narrated, every story should have a point!

There are many many back issues. Just do a search under "Thebigspendurs epic shaving misadventures" and also "shaving brainbuster #.." They are all in the general forum going back around 12 months or so ago and beyond.

The Shaving Chimp was a rather curious creature my family came upon who had the knack of being quite handy with a straight razor and could give you a total BBS shave with the best of them.