Thread: The Infrequent Shaving Misadventures of Thebigspendur #2

As you all recall last time, the storekeep, Mr. Portofoy threw us out of the store. Mr L and his buddy vanished but before he did he told me they were going to China. He had an earthquake to cause so his buddy could get back on his quota if he wanted to stay tight with the Big Guy.

On the way home, I just remembered the Missus had asked me to stop by the super-duper mini mart to buy some bananas since the shaving chimp was gonna be staying with us for a spell.

I decided to stop off at Lynn’s house of the dead to look at the antiques. Ever since he took over the place after his mom’s untimely passing he be trying to get the place in order. I remember the horrible tragedy well. She was showing a Red Imp super spike razor to Shaky Jim and while handling it he got the shakes and it fell impaling mom’s foot. It just got infected with some extinct virus from the old days and she quickly fell ill and died. Her last words were “I meant to clean it and hone it”.

He said, now look over here at this. He pulled out this funny looking hone. He said his son who was in the Marines in Afghanistan had come by the grave of this Grand Pulbah or something and back in the 14^th century he was the best honer in the world and when he died they created his gravestone made of the best most famous magical honing rock in the world. They been searching for this quarry for hundreds of years without success. They just broke the gravestone into pieces and took them. I said how you know this is the real deal. He said his son took his bayonet and did a few passes on it and it was so sharp, well it was sharp. He said unfortunately after this find the entire platoon just vanished never to be found again.

So I took this hone in my hand and Lynn got the dullest razor he could find (which was easy cause all his razors are dull. Folks say he robs them from the dead). I said you gotta lap this thing first, so he gets some steel bar and pours some carbide powder on it and since he had no water he just pee’d on it and he starts honing . I left the shaving chimp in the car and he walked in and saw what Lynn was doing and said you better not do that. Even we monkeys know what that is. We both said what is it? He said that’s the sacred hone of destiny. If you don’t treat it right, well.. you have no destiny-har har. Lynn put it down real gentle like. Lynn was nervous and wanted nothing of it so he gave it to me for nothing. I wrapped it up and we went over to our relations ranch.

When we got there Uncle Jethro was in front of the house with his 50 cal S&W revolver shooting apples off cousins Jebs head. Cousin Jett came out of the house and said he could do it faster with his 50 cal machine gun and he had his brother Jedediah be the target. Well, Jett missed and a round hit the poor guy in the head luckily after his frontal lobotomy that part of his brain was missing so no harm done at all. As a matter of fact you could hear the bullet rattling around in his head as the steel plate in the back of his head didn't let the bullet escape.

I brought out the hone and cousin Cletus who was in the back at the forge making counterfeit Chinese razors took it and started to build up a slurry with a piece of the colossal coticule. Instead of a slurry there appeared this, well,…like a fog or something covering the stone. He started honing on the rock with one of his latest creations. I told him he was wasting his time cause no razor made from melted down engine blocks from 59 Ford Rancheros gonna ever shave worth a damn. Well, he’s a honing using a rocking motion doing figure eights and it making a dreadful sound almost like a cat dying but after a few minutes he pulls out the razor and not only did it have a hyper mirror finish but it had the most perfect bevel in the world and was so sharp, well it was sharp.

Cousin Festus took the razor and said I’m a goin to try it on baaaby. She was already waiting. He was leading her off and Jett said, no you do it right here not in the barn where you be doin some sick stuff with that goat.

Yea, some MDC Soap and a Plisson HMW brush (she be very picky bout her shaving implements) and before you know it she was BBS all over and not a nick. A little Pinaud Lillac Vegetal and she and Festus be ready for a hot time tonight.

The Shave Chimp said “this is disgusting, let’s go home I can’t take this anymore”.

So since these episodes always end with some shaving matters who can tell the members when you would use a rocking motion with a hone? How about those figure 8s too?

The first one with the right answer get a free shave by Festus.

Oh MY!

Confucius also say: Man who tell too many lightbulb jokes, soon burn out!

Sounds like the rocking figure 8 was done on the Blarney stone. I am NOT answering to win.