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I used to be addicted to the Hokey Pocky but I was able to turn myself around!

If you don't know the difference between a Burro and a burrow, then you don't know your ass from a hole in the ground!

I hate to brag about my good looks, but everytime I go into the bathroom and get undressed, I turn on the shower.

A rookie police officer pulled a biker over for speeding and had the following exchange:

• Officer: May I see your driver's license?

• Biker: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my...

Why do brides wear white?
So the dishwasher matches the rest of the appliances!

What's the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with breast implants?

One's a crusty bus station and the others a busty crustacean!

My wife and i just got back from the international prune festival!

It was followed by the worlds fastest parade.

I have a friend who is addicted to brake fluid, but he says that he can stop anytime.

What kind of linens do gingerbread men use on there beds?

Cookie sheets!

Did you hear that the guy who invented the throat lozenge passed away this weekend?

There won't be any coffin at his funeral.

Do people in Hawaii laugh out loud or is it just aloha?

What does it mean when you see cows sleeping in a field?

That it's pasture bed time!

The grand opening of the new Lego store was a success. People were lined up for blocks!

Sharing that one with the wife is probably unwise! (but so true)

What do you call someone with a nose but no body?

Nobody nose!

What do you do with a person who's had a peek-a-boo accident?

Take them to ICU

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You can easily tell the sex of an ant by dropping it in a glass of water. If it sinks, then it is a girl. If it floats then it's boy ant.

I heard that there was an explosion at the Charmin toilet paper factory; there were no deaths but a lot of soft tissue damage.

someone broke into my garage last night and stole my limbo pole. I mean, how low can you go?

one of my Mexican friends is a magician. Yesterday he had to show me a new trick. He said "watch this, on the count of three i will disappear. Uno, dos" and poof! he was gone without a tres!

Just found out something interesting about my Grandfather. They say that just before he died he had the nurse smear bacon grease all over his body... We don't know why but after that he went down...

If a tree falls in the forest and nobody hears, that means that my illegal logging business is a success!

My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.

I don't get it either :shrug: