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I made a huge mistake.... Yesterday I took my wife to Subway. When she received her 12" sub, she took one look at it, and knew I'd been lying to her for years.

My wife's back on the warpath. She was up for making a sex video last night, and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.

Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

I knew a man who gave up smoking, drinking, and rich food. He was healthy right up to the day he killed himself.

I bought a pair of shoes from a drug dealer; I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.

I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.

Police were called to a daycare where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

Don't worry about old age; it doesn't last that long.

If you could kick the person most responsible for your problems in the pants, you wouldn't be able to sit for a week.

Build a man a fire and he'll be warm for a day; set a man on fire and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

I created a new word...plagiarism.

To err is human, to assign blame shows management potential.

I disconnected my home security system and unregistered from neighborhood watch. I've placed two Pakistani flags on the corners of my property, and an ISIS flag near my front door.

My property is...

You know you're getting old when an "all-nighter" means you didn't get up to pee.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit on his ass and drink beer all day.

A politician will stand for what he thinks people will fall for.

Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

I tried to look up impotence on the internet, but nothing came up.

My old Saskatoon neighbor, Holden, is in trouble again.

This time for forgetting his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry. So she told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in...

The problem with political jokes is they get elected.

A man calls 911 and says "I think my wife is dead." The operator replies "How do you know?" And, the man says "Well, the sex is the same, but the dirty laundry is really piling up."

Knowledge is knowing that tomatoes are fruit; wisdom is not trying to put them in fruit salad.

As a youngster I was terrified of marriage when I learned that 50% of them last forever.

Marriage: Cramming 6 months of joy, sex and excitement into 50 years.

Game nights and murder-suicides; just two of the advantages of marriage.