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An elderly woman turns to her husband in church and says "I just let out a long silent toot, what should I do?"
He responds "change the battery in your hearing aid"

And along the same line......

Why did the cookie go to the hospital?
Becasue he felt crummy

Why did the baby strawberry cry?
Becasue his parents were in a jam

Happy thanksgiving!!!

Why do farts smell?
So deaf people can enjoy them too

I passed gas in a elevator today
It was wrong on so many levels

A cannibal passed his friend in the woods...

What do you call a sleepwalking nun?

A roamin Catholic

A Buddhist walked into a burger shop and said make me one with everything.

A termite walks into a bar and asks "is the bar tender here?"

How does NASA organize a party?

They planet

I stayed up all night trying to figure out where the sun was, and then it dawned on me.

No one here:)

What is red and smells like blue paint?

Red paint

Well said! And some people never get there...

What did the grape do when it got stepped on?

It let out a little whine

One of mine from childhood:

What has four wheels and flies?

A garbage truck

Why did the blonde buy a brown cow?

She wanted chocolate milk

What did the dog say when it sat on a piece of sandpaper?

Ruff

First day of school is finished! These are in honor of my 4th grader:

Why did the 8th grader bring a ladder to school?
He wanted to get to high school

Where do students in NY go to learn...

Marriage is like a deck of cards. At the start all you need is two hearts and a diamond, but at the end all you will want is a club and a spade.

Want to hear a joke about potassium?

K

^^ that is disgusting...

I have a couple in honor of the first day of school coming up Monday:

What happened to the plants in math class?
-they grew square roots!

What is another name for...

http://i32.photobucket.com/albums/d46/smcenerney1980/iphone%20pictures/1B9B015F-54E3-4573-BB18-B3F44236349C_zpsimb1c3hj.jpg

Why did the blonde have a coat hanger in the trunk?
-in case she locked her keys in her car
What did the blonde name her pet zebra?
-spot

Why can't you trust an atom?

They make up everything

So is spelling!
http://i32.photobucket.com/albums/d46/smcenerney1980/iphone%20pictures/805123C8-3C4F-42DD-8291-45D8E5E5B1FD_zpstaueb7cr.jpg

Do you know about the work of Pavlov?

It should ring a bell

I am reading this great book right now on anti-gravity, I just can't seem to put it down

What did the duck tell the cashier when she got a new tube of lipstick?

Put it on my bill