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Only arrow I see anywhere top left is the one that links to page 2.

I tried clicking the name but it takes me to the users page with only the options to add as a friend or look up their posts.
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Speaking of being a noob, I can't find the private message button on the smartphone version of this site. I'm sure I'm missing something obvious.

Hello Ryan, one noob to another.

I've got a buddy that might be a volunteer for you. As soon as I find the private message button, I'll share some info... assuming you're still looking for...