Thread: Favorite One Liners

I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.



I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.




I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. He told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.



My girlfriend always laughs during sex - no matter what she's reading.



I met the surgeon general - he offered me a cigarette.



One day as I came home early from work... I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, "Hey buddy, why are you doing that?" He said, "Because you came home early.



I asked him, "Who said you could fool around with my wife?" He said, "Everybody."



The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money usually costs a lot less.



My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night it was to time an egg.



I went to look for a used car and found my wife's dress in the back seat.



Bartender asked me what do ya want, I said surprise me. He showed me a naked picture of my wife.







And it wouldn't be complete without due credit. Rodney Dangerfield, one of the best comics ever, and the King of the one-liners.

A couple on diets -

'I'm on the seafood diet, I see food, and then eat it.'

'Have you ever been on the Scottish diet? You only drink whisky. I tried it once and lost 3 weeks.'

Nick

Phone answering machine message - "...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key..."

A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said,
"No, the steaks are too high."

My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".

I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.

Two Eskimos in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire, the craft sank, proving that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."

'Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home'. Doctor: "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.
Man: 'Is it common?' Doctor: "It's not unusual."

A man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet. "My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"
"Well," said the vet, "let's have a look at him". So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his
teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Just because he's cross-eyed?"
"No, because he's really heavy"

Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside." "How's that?" "Don't you start."

Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!

What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'

Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my Dad, or my older brother Colin, or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu? But I think its Colin.

Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round." The other one says "So are you, you fat bast**d!"

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks.
They charged one and let the other one off.

"Somebody complimented me on my driving today. They left a note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."

A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in several places" The doctor said, "Well don't go there anymore"

I bought a map of the United States the other day, it was actual size......I live at E-5

(credit - Steven Wright)

"I was so ugly as I kid, I had to trick or treat over the phone"

Rodney Dangerfield

Three legged dog walks into a bar.
He turns to the bartender and say " I'm looking for the man who shot my pa ".

Originally Posted by gratewhitehuntr

Three legged dog walks into a bar.
He turns to the bartender and say " I'm looking for the man who shot my pa ".

-whatever

-Lou

what's another word for thesaurus?

Originally Posted by Wayne D

what's another word for thesaurus?

How about some wine with that cheese?

Originally Posted by Wayne D

what's another word for thesaurus?

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