Thread: Clean jokes

My wife and i just got back from the international prune festival!

It was followed by the worlds fastest parade.

A sign hanging on the fence of a farmers field. "You are free to cross my field, but the bull charges "

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."

Passenger: "Who?"
Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."
Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."

Passenger: "Sounds like he was really something special."
Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman could do everything right."

Passenger: "Wow, what a guy!"
Cabbie: 'He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman."

Passenger: "How did you meet him?"
Cabbie: "I never actually met Frank. He died and I married his wife."

... as far as we know. Must keep exploring space.

A bit of humor from a gentleman who was a gentleman and a class act:

Touching story:

A man had two of the best tickets for the Masters. As he sits down,
another man comes along and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.
"No", he says, "the seat is empty.


This is incredible!" said the man, "who in their right mind would have
a seat like this, the biggest golfing event of the whole world, and not use it?"

He says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me My wife always would
come with me, but she passed away. This is the first Masters we haven't
been to together since we got married."

"Oh... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. I guess you couldn't
find someone else? A friend or relative or even a neighbor to take the seat?"
The man shakes his head.

"No. They're all at the funeral."

Originally Posted by Haroldg48

Touching story:

A man had two of the best tickets for the Masters. As he sits down,
another man comes along and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.
"No", he says, "the seat is empty.


This is incredible!" said the man, "who in their right mind would have
a seat like this, the biggest golfing event of the whole world, and not use it?"

He says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me My wife always would
come with me, but she passed away. This is the first Masters we haven't
been to together since we got married."

"Oh... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. I guess you couldn't
find someone else? A friend or relative or even a neighbor to take the seat?"
The man shakes his head.

"No. They're all at the funeral."

''Now that's FUNNY!

This is from an audio of a female Japanese comedian from Osaka Japan, I hope I get it right.---

When I first come to America I only have hundred dollars, but I wasn't homeless, I just find horny old man and moved in with him. He take care of me and one night he ask me very serious question;

"If I lose my job and can't take care of you, will you still love me"? I said sure and miss you too.

What do you call a Frenchman in sandals?

Phillipe Flop

Turkey Hunter

An 80-year-old man went to the doctor, who was amazed at what good shape the guy was in.
The doctor asked, "To what do you attribute your good health?"

The old timer said, "I'm a turkey hunter and that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up before daylight and out chasing turkeys."

The doctor said, "Well, I'm sure that helps, but there has got to be more to it. How old was your dad when he died?"

The old timer said, "Who said my dad's dead?"

The doctor said, "You mean you're 80 years old and your dad's still alive? How old is he?"

The old timer said, "He's 100 years old and he hunted turkey with me this morning, and that's why he's still alive...he's a turkey hunter."

The doctor said, "Well, that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it. How about your dad's dad? How old was he when he died?"

The old timer said, "Who said my grandpa's dead?"

The doctor said, "You mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather's still living! How old is he?"

The old timer said, "He's 118 years old."

The doctor was getting frustrated at this point and said, "I guess he went turkey hunting with you this morning too?"

The old timer said, "No, Grandpa couldn't go this morning because he got married."

The Doctor said in amazement, "Got married!! Why would a 118-year-old guy want to get married?"

The old timer said, "Who said that he wanted to?"

What's the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with breast implants?

One's a crusty bus station and the others a busty crustacean!