Thread: Another Jail Story

Please leave some feedback and vote on the poll. It only takes a second to click a radio button for the vote. Since the votes are anonymous, I won't be able to send cousin Vito to kick your butt for saying mean things. Voting on the poll gives me an idea on the type of story to be included in my book. The last story was average. I was wanting a response on one of my lesser entertaining tales. Since there are hundreds to be written, I would know the kind to include and those to leave out. While you are at it, if you didn't vote for the other one, please do that too. Click here to do it..
http://straightrazorpalace.com/viewtopic.php?t=570

Here is the story I labeled "Jeff"
copyright 2005 by William Ellis

In another story, I talked about catching smokers at the satellite facility of our jail system. This one involves a man named Jeff. He was sentenced to a year in jail for a DUI charge. He was sent to the satellite to finish his time.
He was a nice guy... he just screwed up. He was always polite and respectful. He was also just a plain ole country boy without the life experience to cope with the predatory nature of the typical repeat offender normally found in our jail. Other inmates always took advantage of him because of his simplistic behavior and innocence. He was also extremely addicted to cigarettes.
I was forever catching him in the act of smoking or finding a large stash of tobacco hidden in his belongings. Many times he would pay other inmates almost half of his tobacco to keep it hidden from me, knowing I would find it if he had it. I only ever gave him one rule violation because the situation wouldn't allow an alternate discipline. Instead of rule violations, I had him on some form of extra work detail or another. He even broke down and cried once when I was lecturing him and said that I was disappointed in him. That really bothered me.
Towards the end of his stay at the satellite, he was also caught several times by other officers. This was a testament to his inability to keep from getting busted because most officers didn't try all that hard to keep the facility free from tobacco. As a result, he was given enough rule violations to earn a trip back to the main jail to finish out his time.
Before finishing this story, I must explain one of the methods for hiding things from officers. Inmates would use several layers of sandwich wrap from their lunches to form a tightly packed 5 inch long torpedo-shaped object called a clavo for whatever they wanted to hide. It was usually about the diameter of a normal bowl movement. They would conceal it up their butt. When they wanted to retrieve it, they went into the bathroom, expunged it, and unwrapped the contents. I never really looked for clavos during searches. I figured that if they wanted a cigarette that bad, they could have it.
The night that Jeff was to be transported back to the main jail, he was escorted to the search room of the satellite jail. The searching officer also knew of Jeff's gullibility. After having him strip down to his birthday suit, the officer said, "OK, Jeff, what do have up your butt?" Jeff tried to feign innocence by saying that he didn't know what the officer was talking about. You could just see "lie" written all over Jeff's face.
The officer promptly started putting on rubber gloves, and using a very serious look carried by a gigantic bluff, he said, "If you don't give it to me now, we're going to hold you down and I'll get it out myself!". (There's no way we would be allowed by law to do this.)
Jeff's eyes got really big and said, "OK, OK!" He squatted down, reached around from the backside and generated a clavo that would stay put in a horse's butt. After producing the first one and handing it to officer Miles, he said, "Wait... I have one more." (Way to go, Jeff. Give yourself up.) He had two clavos. Each one was, not just the contents, but an entire pouch of Bugler tobacco wrapped in three layers of sandwich wrap. How he ever stored that much of anything up his butt, we will never know. It had to be a real... pain in the ass.
I hope Jeff is doing well and staying out of trouble these days. He really was one of those guys who didn't belong in jail.


Let me know what you think... Leave comments on the post, too...
Thanks for the help...

Bill, as this is your second story, it looks as though you plan on running several more stories by us at straight razor place. Since you have asked for input on what we think of your stories, I feel obligated to give you my totally honest opinion. This may be the worst story I can ever remember reading. And it isn't just the subject matter. You have violated most if not all of the cardinal rules of short story writing. If you get something out of your writing, more power to you, but if you expect to be able to publish any of this nonsense, I'm afraid you are sorely mistaken. No publishing house would touch this stuff. It lacks both talent and imagination. Sorry, but there it is. That leaves self publishing, which you can do for as little as $700. But that is only a few books, and I doubt if you would be able to sell to anyone but a few polite friends. I have a friend that self published a book and spent several thousand dollars doing it. His book was 500 times better than anything I have seen from you, and he managed to sell about 12 copies. So unless you enjoy wasting both time and money, I would try to find another outlet for your creativity. I am also very familiar with your subject matter, as I worked the central jail in Los Angeles for a time. Sorry Bill, but I don't think writing is your thing. But if it makes you happy, do it....just don't do it under any false delusions

I feel obligated to give you my totally honest opinion. This may be the worst story I can ever remember...

Wow! Thanks, Bob, for all the compliments. If you perceive a personal attack as imput, then so be it. Too bad you couldn't have offered a little more substance in your critique instead of all the insults. Whatever makes you feel better about yourself... go for it.

500 times? Whew...

I may have over-reacted. lol Sorry.
You are correct in that I should have been more constructive in my critique. The reason I reacted so strongly, is that this is a straight razor site and we help each other with razor related problems. We also have the off topic stuff to discuss things the group at large finds interesting, but we still all usually read them. I was upset that you asked me to read something that I not only consider to be poorly written but mildly offensive as well. Now be honest, who do you know that would like to read a magazine story titled "My Proctology Exam" written with the creativity of a delivery invoice.
If you are serious about writing, there are many fine publications you can subscribe to that will both improve your writing style and increase your chance of success. One such is Writer's Digest, 1-800-333-0133.
Boring writing does not sell. If the audience doesn't care what happens on page two, they won't turn to page two. Find ways to create suspense or otherwise generate interest in what you are saying. The art is in the details. Instead of stating the obvious, find the details that most people don't notice or haven't considered. Develope characters. Even in a short story, the audience needs to develop a relationship with each character, be it positive or negative. Anyway, just a few ideas. Good luck.