Do you know what ticks me off?
The F'ing dog destroyed my Tevas,
Right at the beginning of Teva season.
Do you know what else ticks me off?
My girlfriend’s cat, because he’s a turd.
Do you know what else ticks me off?
People who walk through the grocery store,
Pulling their F'ing shopping cart beside them.
While we’re here in the grocery store,
Let me tell you what else ticks me off.
People who push their shopping carts with their elbows.
Hey! Stand the F up already!
Have you seen that huge blond chick?
Of course you did.
The one standing in the cereal aisle,
Shouting into the F'ing cell phone,
While her rotten kids run amuck?
Well, she ticks me off too.
And so do her filthy, unruly kids.
But that guy who followed me into the store,
The loudmouth with the Gas Company logo on his jacket screaming at the Nextel telephone/walkie-talkie thing as he held it about a foot in front of his face?
He really ticks me off.
And the clown who called him ticks me off too.
While I’m at it, you know what else ticks me off?
My own F'ing cell phone ticks me off
Because it only loses its F'ing signal
When the call I’m on is important.
Do you know what else ticks me off?
Court shows on television where ugly trailer trash demonstrate just how incredibly stupid the people of this country are.
And “reality entertainment” shows that are neither real nor entertaining but are created because Hollywood knows how incredibly stupid the people of this country are.
Do you know what ticks me off?
That snotty little soccer mom in the tremendous Chevy Suburban akkin’ on the F'ing cell phone while she carelessly wheels that three ton, gas-guzzling, air-polluting, death-dealing, kid-hauling, road-hogging, fast-lane-blocking, no-turn-signaling, lane-weaving, green-light-stopping, stop-sign-running pile of American made crap down the road as if that phone call is more important than my F'ing life, or the lives of the two children riding with her while not wearing seat belts.
Do you know what else ****es me off?
My own insecurity, depression, guilt, ignorance, impatience, joint pains, fat belly, nail biting and foul F'ing mouth.
Do you know what else ****es me off?
That I am entering my “middle age years”
While my ears and back seem to be entering puberty.
Do you know what ****es me off? Any religion that preaches “we are and they are not” because these are divisive, presumptuous, self-serving, pious, manipulative, prejudicial, restrictive and just plain hateful teachings and, that these malicious things are being taught in the name of God.