Fathers' Rights in Child Custody and High Conflict Divorce
Though I'm still dealing with some of the financial issues surrounding my divorce, I am largely satisfied with how the custody issue ended up (I've got primary custody in a joint custody arrangement and pay no child support because of that). Lucky for me, a combination of laziness, disinterest in parenting, arrogance, and a steady regimen of weed, vicodin, and Miller High Life kept my ex from putting up a coherent fight in family court. When she finally did put up a fight, she was already in contempt of court and had pissed off the judge. My only complaint is that it took her over 18 months to finally screw up enough to lose primary. Many men don't luck out the way I have, though. Family courts that treat fathers' parental rights with the same weight as mothers rights are the exception and not the rule.
During the course of my divorce and through the custody negotiations I did a lot of reading up on the issues facing fathers in the family court system. Numerous studies have demonstrated the importance of the father's presence in early childhood (and through adolescence, as well), yet the presumptive custodial arrangement is full custody granted to the mother and visitation to the father. I found a really good lobbying organization that actively pursues family court reform, and they have a lot of really good resources for men (and women, too) who've been shaken down by the system. A quick perusal of their web page will give you enough of an idea of the magnitude of troubles facing most single fathers.
While I had a lot of luck and a very fair judge on my side, most men can count on neither. It doesn't matter who you are or who your wife/co-parent is, there is some advice you need to hear before you become embroiled in a custody case. Don't get me wrong, there are cases where people break up amicably and place the best interests of their children first. Not all women are out to ruin their ex financially. But if you are divorcing a woman who you once loved dearly, chances are that the qualities which you loved are no longer present, and many new 'qualities' have emerged to take their place. There is a lot of advice that I wish I had gotten before my breakup, so I'm starting this thread to give you the benefit of my experience. Please read it, regardless of how well you currently get along with your partner. The worst that will come of it is that you get advice you never need.
It is critical to remember that the best way to get out of trouble with the family court system is to never get into trouble in the first place. Once child support, alimony, or (god forbid) protective orders have been established it becomes almost impossible to undo it. Here are some guidelines to do just that.
Hire a lawer. Do this ASAP. Call around and talk to a few, talk to your friends and get some recommendations. You want a calm lawyer, not an easily wound-up lawyer. You don't want one who says "We must FIGHT this injustice!", you want one who says "Here's the best you can expect". I once asked my lawyer a question early on in the divorce and after he answered I said "yeah, that's kinda' what I figured". He said "Yeah Joe, it's not like I know a hell of a lot more than you regarding this stuff, the difference between you and I is that I'm not emotionally involved in the outcome."
This is the most important thing to remember. It doesn't matter what's 'just' and 'unjust' to you or anybody, what matters is what will happen in court, and what happens in court has nothing to do with justice. A person without an emotional investment in the case will make logical decisions, and that's the best thing to have on your side. You hire a lawyer to represent you in court dispassionately. You don't hire him to be pissed off for you. You'll find that you can do that just fine on your own.
Hire a therapist. Lawyers are too expensive to waste their time talking about your feelings of betrayal. In fact, he doesn't actually want to hear that at all. At $200 an hour, you're wasting his time and your money. Spend your money talking to someone who is good at listening to people's problems and good at guiding them through the difficult times of their lives. You don't have to be crazy or wuss to benefit from therapy.
Watch your back. You may have only recently discovered that your soon-to-be-ex is a sociopath. Once you discover it, don't forget it. If her actions have demonstrated that she can't be trusted, then you must take every precaution to protect yourself. Never be alone with her, never give her access to where you are living. Never take her word on anything that can't be independently verified. My ex hid assets (my assets) from me during the divorce. She also tried to draw me into a fight while secretly videotaping me. Which leads me to my next bit of advice
Stay Calm!. Manipulative people are generally able to get you to make mistakes by getting you in a state of emotional arousal. Pissing you off is easy enough, and angry people do things they will later regret. It's easy enough for a woman to get a protective order against you by simply claiming that you are a threat. It will be incumbent upon you to prove that you aren't. Whatever you do, don't give her any ammunition. Yelling is abuse, to the courts. I don't even have to mention that physical violence is enough to cost you all of your parental rights and much of your future earnings. Don't even punch a wall (that is considered intimidation, another form of abuse). Remove yourself from the situation as soon as possible. Arrange that all your contacts with her be in a public place, If you are in the house with her, never let her come between you and the door. This last one is very serious. I'll say it again; Never let her get between you and the door!
Document everything. Keep a diary and write down every exchange that you have with your STBX. Make a note in there every day. State what happened between the two of you, what sort of contact you had with the kids, anything notable about them (dirty clothes, missing school, getting dropped off late and hungry, EVERYTHING). Don't trust your memory, it sucks. All communications with your ex should be written/email. Don't go by her word on anything, have a paper/email trail. If she says "I wanted drop the kids off/pick the kids up early/late..." tell her Send me an email/text.
If anyone else has advice or experiences they wish to share, please do. It's a subject that most people don't like to bring up, but I think it's an important one to get out in the open.
