OK, so just to set the scene, outside my work on a "side porch" there is a large frame supported awning/covering sort of a deal. The awning is free standing with a framework of metal pipes. Under the overhang, there are two rows of picnic tables where people often sit and eat lunch. With that, this is a direct quote from an email I received this morning that went out to the entire company:

"Please Stop Feeding The Squirrels.... These squirrel are wild animals and should not be eating our food.. I understand they are cute but, these squirrels are using the outside dining area as their restroom.... CAUTION: There is one older Squirrel who is using the top bar to walk across the table area and urinating on the tables and on a few occasions in our employee’s lunches. We need to respect nature and not teach these animal how to eat junk food...

Thank you,
HR Lady"

Although the content, in and of itself, make this a hilarious email, the syntax is especially amusing. Being a word merchant by trade I notice mundane details like this:

1. Squirrels using the outdoors as their restroom!? Oh the humanity! It seems far more likely that we're using their restroom for a dining area.

2. There is one older squirrel? Just one? How does the lay person distinctly identify an older squirrel? Did we demand to see his AARP card? Does he have gray hair or carry a walker or was his apparent lack of bladder control a dead give away?

3. I guess this begs the question: If they are not being fed, will they stop urinating? If I remember my biology and physiology classes correctly, probably not.

4. "We need to respect nature and not teach these animals how to eat junk food." Holy Cow! Really? I've seen lots of squirrels the world over and have never noticed any trend toward squirrelhood obesity. Is it OK if we're making healthy dietary choices for our furry lunch guests? Unbelievable!