Thread: You Can't Make This Stuff Up!

OK, so just to set the scene, outside my work on a "side porch" there is a large frame supported awning/covering sort of a deal. The awning is free standing with a framework of metal pipes. Under the overhang, there are two rows of picnic tables where people often sit and eat lunch. With that, this is a direct quote from an email I received this morning that went out to the entire company:

"Please Stop Feeding The Squirrels.... These squirrel are wild animals and should not be eating our food.. I understand they are cute but, these squirrels are using the outside dining area as their restroom.... CAUTION: There is one older Squirrel who is using the top bar to walk across the table area and urinating on the tables and on a few occasions in our employee’s lunches. We need to respect nature and not teach these animal how to eat junk food...

Thank you,
HR Lady"

Although the content, in and of itself, make this a hilarious email, the syntax is especially amusing. Being a word merchant by trade I notice mundane details like this:

1. Squirrels using the outdoors as their restroom!? Oh the humanity! It seems far more likely that we're using their restroom for a dining area.

2. There is one older squirrel? Just one? How does the lay person distinctly identify an older squirrel? Did we demand to see his AARP card? Does he have gray hair or carry a walker or was his apparent lack of bladder control a dead give away?

3. I guess this begs the question: If they are not being fed, will they stop urinating? If I remember my biology and physiology classes correctly, probably not.

4. "We need to respect nature and not teach these animals how to eat junk food." Holy Cow! Really? I've seen lots of squirrels the world over and have never noticed any trend toward squirrelhood obesity. Is it OK if we're making healthy dietary choices for our furry lunch guests? Unbelievable!

Well, there are "red" squirrels and "grey" squirrels...just sayin'.
Since NYC passed their "soda size" limit, will squirrels be cited there? SQUIRREL COURT???

Send her an email back reminding her that this is Florida; just give it some time and somebody will be having sex with that squirrel.

I feed the squirrels and they do pee all over everything. They're dirty little beasts but I love them anyway. Pee (bombs) away!!

Just confirms what I always thought goes on in an HR department; not a great deal that makes sense.

OTH I buy 2x20 kilo bags of in the shell unsalted peanuts a year to feed the tree rat, I mean squirrel, circus in our backyard. Worth every penny for the entertainment. If you are outside there is one that will come to you on command and follow you around like a dog till you get some peanuts. Hilarious. I don't know who has who trained.

Bob

My father-in-law had one squirrel so tame he(?) would take a peanut from his hand.

Time to grab a pellet gun, and bring some squirrel meat to share at lunch.

Hey 1OldGI, as far as you know, your HR department doesn't refer to employees as "squirrels"? BTW - you must have excellent balance, and, please use the urinals at work. Thank you.

.....then mail the HR Lady the tail.

So you probably shouldn't mail her a picture of the squirrels I've been shooting off my front porch all year.
Although if they're dead they'll stop peeing on the tables.