Good morning shaving fiends

Well finally the missus let me back in the house. She made me build her a new china cabinet as an act of contrition.

I was plumb tuckered out and as the sun set I was watching those pictures on the box in the living room what you call it T.B or something like that. Yea they was all these people on there and they had these great deals just for me. I could get all manner of goods for so little money. Now how’d they know I wanted that deluxe knife collection made in Pakistan. I was about to call them up to order it and I hear a strange tapping at the window but there wasn’t no one there and now that knife guy was gone and there’s some gal sellen women’s underwear and the missus comes into the room saying “what you doing with that pornography you some weirdo or something, you better stay away from my underwear”. I said now look here woman when I got up and went outside there was a knife guy on I don’t know nuttin bout the half naked woman on there. Hey you hear that, that tappin at the window out there? She said I sure do. Get the shotgun. So I went out the back door and slithered around the back and caught them red-handed. I said reach varmints. Hey it’s Mr. Whitey and mephy. I said where you been? We be looking for you all over the place. Mr Whitey said yea I couldn’t get this nag to stop running. Finally we was in the next state and this mouse ran across the road and he threw me off and fainted. On the way back we saw some group of guys making a monster movie for one of those Science channels and they thought we was the stars so we helped them make the movie and we got top billing and we’re gonna get a bunch of cash for it. After the movie this pretty gal tried to take the makeup off and realized it wasn’t coming off and they all panicked and ran away. We be walking for days. I told the missus to rustle up some grub and she said, well, I won’t repeat what she said.

Well first thing the next day I set up the confidence building course I got for Brutus in the mail. Yea I kept playing these tapes of cows mooing over and over again. They said they had subl…err….supinal…err well you know some hidden meaning stuff in the tapes. Then I made him charge a decoy I had set up and there was another tape that kept saying kill…kill over and over again. Every time he didn’t hit the decoy I had to slap him in the face and he started crying. Then I had to take him to the Vet for a group therapy session with a bunch of bulls they saved from the stockyards all condemned to die. Then he needed some confidence with the ladies but none would have him so I did the next best thing and locked him in the barn with Baaaby overnight. Yea he be a new manbull in the morning-har har.

While I was having my breakfeast the next morning I heard a commotion out back. The Sarge had been out with his buddies all night and they figured they would complete their mayhem by coming back and beating the stuffin out of Brutus. Yea there was a cloud of dust and they all be laying all over the place. Brutus walked over to the Sarge and said I’m back! The sarge just fainted right there.

I had to go into town to get some groceries and I stopped by the jail to see vasoline and he had that Obama fella locked up. I said, why he in the calaboose ? Vasoline said he be a problem goin around drinking in public and gettin intoxicated and speaking in some strange tongue folks don’t understand. Mr Sasquatch was in there with him and he was translating what he was saying. I asked him what’s goin on. He says those folks you call birthers are right this guy ain’t from here he’s an imposter sent by those terrorists to destroy the country and that woman they call his wife be his handler. Well if that don’t beat all.

I went down to the shop, business was slow. Mr Whitey was out back with the Singing Chimp and they was getting intoxicated on moonshine too early in the day. Mr Whitey had his axe and was throwing it at the chimp who thought it was funny and he started throwing razors at Mr Whitey. One of the axes went across the street through the window of our fleabag motel so I had to make things right with the owner Dora Mae. She was arguing with a new resident who didn’t like the idea of having to go out back for the latrine and not having any running water in the place? Dora asked him, what’s running water? You mean the stream out back? I said I know you I saw you on the movie box in my house. He said You’re the stupidest most backwards people I ever saw in my life. The folks in Texas are living in the future compared to you. This is just the place I’m looking for. I said you be that Tom Delay guy. You be that big crook who’s gonna go to jail. He said I ain’t gonna go anywhere. I come here to hide out they’ll never find me here. Once I change my clothes I’ll just blend in here. Hey wait a minute I just saw the President go by what’s goin on here? He ran out yelling hey Mr President wait up.

I headed back home and picked up the missus and headed over to the clan’s compound for dinner.yea it was time to plan the big caper at the Ute reservation. While we were waiting for Navajo Joe and his friends to arrive I went out back and Cletus was still experimenting with that new hone he had invented. He said he was gonna call it Cletus San’s magic hone. I said what’s with the San who’s he? He said, no those folks on that SRP shaving site they think they smart but they really just a bunch of hone crazed idiots who buy anything and if it has any hint of being from the Orient especially Japan they’ll pay plenty for it. He said the new postmaster gonna send the hones through the post office in Little Tokyo in L.A so I can claim it’s from Tokyo. I said what you do about that awful smell. He said I found just the right thing. I told Festus when he gets those bones from the cemetery to get me some decomposing bodies too and that mixed in takes all the odor away. Not only that now I can claim it’s an ancestral hone-har har. Those shavin folks like that and they be ready to pay extra just for that alone.
Well, Joe showed up with his buddies and after dinner we made a big dinner and we smoked the peace pipe and we all got stoned and Festus fell into the fire and got all burned up and Jethro fell into the latrine and Mr Whitey wandered off into the forest and got attacked by a mountain lion and Navajo Joe had his bow and arrow and shot hisself in the head with his own arrow and what’s those two silly badgers writing on that notepad. I didn’t know badgers could write. So, I guess we’ll sleep it off till morning and then make our plans.

For the brainbuster this week Jethro in his drunkin stupor wants to know who could chuck the most wood? Would it be a beaver, a Woodchuck or a Badger? I saw this show on that silly movie box where these talking woodchucks was chucking someone’s wood into a lake. That be really silly, around these parts if some dumb animals did that we’d just poison them to death.