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The Tale Of The Talking Razor

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by , 09-24-2011 at 10:50 PM (1541 Views)
This morning I was getting ready for the usual daily shave and hmm..Öletís see, what razor shall I use today? Maybe one of the ones with the precious metal scales or one of those encrusted with precious gems or maybe the one owned by Napoleon or Louis the 14 or 15th (I can never remember there were so many of them) or perhaps the one Rasputin used or the one with the Kryptonite Scales (yea I can bend steel in my bare hands after using that baby). No I think Iíll use old reliable the TI Damascus 5/8s. Besides, I gave the security guard with the keys to the vault in the south wing of the mansion the day off anyway.

Yea, lather up with the Plisson and since I had a nightmare about Obie last night Iíll use the MDC Soap on my Broadway face (which is of course far better than a mere Hollywood face) andÖwhoaÖwhats this? Can it be? No, say it ainít so old reliable is pulling. So I put it down and look for another razor to use, heck Iíll get the Puma High Class and I hear this strange sound kind of a Pssst. Hmm the missus ainít around and my son is out of the house and the dog died 2 years ago so who is it? ďHey buddy, itís meĒ. Well itís that dang TI talkin to me. Well, I ainít talkin to no razor. I ainít crazy yet. ďHey buddyĒ. I ainít talkin to you besides you let me down today. Well, you know Buddy youíve been abusing me now for over 7 years and havenít so much as taken me on a quick ride on a hone or pasted strop and now YOU are mad. Hey I remember when I got you and you were worthless out of the box and it took me months of honing before you had an attitude adjustment and came around to my way of thinking. Are you kidding me Mon Aimee? First, in those days you go insult the French byÖhey wait a minute you canít hang that on me I always loved French Fries and French Toast and French Dipped sandwiches and me and the missus love French****(Censored).

Letís face it Buddy back in those days even if you didnít insult us French you used that crappy Norton Hone and that Kata whatever Hello Kitty Hone on me abusing me every time and after treatment like that you expect me to treat you to a nice shave? Well in fact I did and now the kid gloves come off and YOU are going to do the right thing. You see that bench hone over there on the wall with those expensive diamonds encrusting it? Well youíre going to take that down and youíre gonna buy me a ticket for an extended ride and youíre also gonna wip out that expensive 30K Shapton hone you bought and youíre going to tickle your fingers on that until I tell you to stop. Also while weíre at it my bevel can use a little work so in the interests of Belgian-French-U.S relations youíre gonna build up a nice slurry on that Coticule until I tell you to stop, no not than thin stuff and youíre gonna give me a facial with that. After that and only when I give you the final word youíre gonna dust off that expensive Japanese Horse Strop you bought, you know the one, the one you take out and fondle every now and then and put back in the box and hide from the world. Yes Iím gonna have my way with that baby.

You know whatís gonna happen if you donít do what I say? Iím gonna fill your face with scars and Iím gonna make all those celluloid scales you have go south on you and youíre gonna tear what little hair you have left on your head out. Then when you walk down the street you be so ugly folks are gonna run in fear and the police gonna pin every crime they never solved on you because youíre gonna look the part.

Well, you no account mangy metal misfit you ainít gonna scare me or push me around. Iíll wheel out my atomic hydrogen torch and reduce you to molten metal or maybe just expose you to some real heat and steal your temper and then you just be a 4oz weakling. Maybe Iíll remove those fancy horn scales you be a sportin and put some old cheap rotted celluloid on and you be all corroded and ugly in the face. When I get done with you even GsSixgun wonít be able to save you. You be like Humpty Dumpty.

Well hold on Buddy maybe I was just a little hasty there. I can see youíre a fine fella and you like us French and respect us and maybe in those early days you just didnít know any better and did the best you could. Didnít you recall that first day when you put me down after all those cuss words and I spelled out L-y-n-n A-b-r-a-m-s in the lather? Didnít you get the hint? No I donít reckon I ever did. It must have been that cheap Williams Soap the lather was gone before I saw your message.

Well just give us a little kiss Buddy and..hey you cut me! Har har, thatís right just so you know.

Well, did all that really happen? What do you think? Neither I nor the TI are speakin and oh yea the shave this morning? Well it be a most fine shave but now I thought I heard someone singing something in German and IÖ..
gssixgun, cudarunner, DLB and 3 others like this.