thebigspendur

This morning I was getting ready for the usual daily shave and hmm..…let’s see, what razor shall I use today? Maybe one of the ones with the precious metal scales or one of those encrusted with precious gems or maybe the one owned by Napoleon or Louis the 14 or 15th (I can never remember there were so many of them) or perhaps the one Rasputin used or the one with the Kryptonite Scales (yea I can bend steel in my bare hands after using that baby). No I think I’ll use old reliable the TI Damascus 5/8s. Besides, I gave the security guard with the keys to the vault in the south wing of the mansion the day off anyway.

Yea, lather up with the Plisson and since I had a nightmare about Obie last night I’ll use the MDC Soap on my Broadway face (which is of course far better than a mere Hollywood face) and…whoa…whats this? Can it be? No, say it ain’t so old reliable is pulling. So I put it down and look for another razor to use, heck I’ll get the Puma High Class and I hear this strange sound kind of a Pssst. Hmm the missus ain’t around and my son is out of the house and the dog died 2 years ago so who is it? “Hey buddy, it’s me”. Well it’s that dang TI talkin to me. Well, I ain’t talkin to no razor. I ain’t crazy yet. “Hey buddy”. I ain’t talkin to you besides you let me down today. Well, you know Buddy you’ve been abusing me now for over 7 years and haven’t so much as taken me on a quick ride on a hone or pasted strop and now YOU are mad. Hey I remember when I got you and you were worthless out of the box and it took me months of honing before you had an attitude adjustment and came around to my way of thinking. Are you kidding me Mon Aimee? First, in those days you go insult the French by…hey wait a minute you can’t hang that on me I always loved French Fries and French Toast and French Dipped sandwiches and me and the missus love French****(Censored).

Let’s face it Buddy back in those days even if you didn’t insult us French you used that crappy Norton Hone and that Kata whatever Hello Kitty Hone on me abusing me every time and after treatment like that you expect me to treat you to a nice shave? Well in fact I did and now the kid gloves come off and YOU are going to do the right thing. You see that bench hone over there on the wall with those expensive diamonds encrusting it? Well you’re going to take that down and you’re gonna buy me a ticket for an extended ride and you’re also gonna wip out that expensive 30K Shapton hone you bought and you’re going to tickle your fingers on that until I tell you to stop. Also while we’re at it my bevel can use a little work so in the interests of Belgian-French-U.S relations you’re gonna build up a nice slurry on that Coticule until I tell you to stop, no not than thin stuff and you’re gonna give me a facial with that. After that and only when I give you the final word you’re gonna dust off that expensive Japanese Horse Strop you bought, you know the one, the one you take out and fondle every now and then and put back in the box and hide from the world. Yes I’m gonna have my way with that baby.

You know what’s gonna happen if you don’t do what I say? I’m gonna fill your face with scars and I’m gonna make all those celluloid scales you have go south on you and you’re gonna tear what little hair you have left on your head out. Then when you walk down the street you be so ugly folks are gonna run in fear and the police gonna pin every crime they never solved on you because you’re gonna look the part.

Well, you no account mangy metal misfit you ain’t gonna scare me or push me around. I’ll wheel out my atomic hydrogen torch and reduce you to molten metal or maybe just expose you to some real heat and steal your temper and then you just be a 4oz weakling. Maybe I’ll remove those fancy horn scales you be a sportin and put some old cheap rotted celluloid on and you be all corroded and ugly in the face. When I get done with you even GsSixgun won’t be able to save you. You be like Humpty Dumpty.

Well hold on Buddy maybe I was just a little hasty there. I can see you’re a fine fella and you like us French and respect us and maybe in those early days you just didn’t know any better and did the best you could. Didn’t you recall that first day when you put me down after all those cuss words and I spelled out L-y-n-n A-b-r-a-m-s in the lather? Didn’t you get the hint? No I don’t reckon I ever did. It must have been that cheap Williams Soap the lather was gone before I saw your message.

Well just give us a little kiss Buddy and..hey you cut me! Har har, that’s right just so you know.

Well, did all that really happen? What do you think? Neither I nor the TI are speakin and oh yea the shave this morning? Well it be a most fine shave but now I thought I heard someone singing something in German and I…..