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What Happens When You're Gone?

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by , 10-27-2011 at 10:58 PM (2053 Views)
I was getting ready to shave last night and picked out my weapons, my DD Golden Mandarin and my Thater Brush and hmmÖ lets see Iíll use Obieís revenge (MDC soap) and finish with some Royall Spice AS. Well Iím lathered up and strop up the razor and start the first stroke down my chin and unnoticed the missus walks by and decides Iím in the way of her getting into the closet and slams the door into my back. Oh, sorry dear you didnít hurt yourself did you? Why of course not the streams of blood running down my face are very becoming arenít they? Gee you should be more careful ,yes YOU should shouldnít you. Well, stopped the bleeding, ruined my shave and the thing keeps opening up in bed. Finally I doze off to slumber land and wakeup with a start and hey, whatís going on here, where am I?

I look around and Iím in some room in what looks like a funeral parlor. I see all these relations I havenít seen in years and thereís some guy in the corner in a coffin. I see Cousin Art in the corner, heck when did he get out of prison? I thought he would be there another 20 years. I say how you doin Art? Why he doesnít even bother to respond feedin his face with mini pizzas. I see Cousins Eric and Rob talking in the corner so I go over to them and they donít respond either so I figured Iíd stick around.

Eric says well what did he leave you? Heck if I know I got a box of rocks of some kind. All different colors, some blue some beige some green. Some got some oriental writtin on them. Some are sealed on wood bases. Now why would someone put a rock in a wood base? I got the perfect thing to do with them, Iím gonna use them to patch the stucco on the side of my house theyíll look good there and keep the wind out. What you get Rob? Heck I donít rightly know. I think they be giant paint brushes? Really, I didnít know he was an artist. Yea one is marked Plisson, France and it say size 85 and on the handle it say something about white mountain and ÖuhÖI-v-o-r- uh you know that be from that outfit Ivor Johnson who make those Saturday Night Specials that be junk. Yea I got it here Iím gonna throw it in the trash. The others Iíll give to my kids to use to paint with.

I went back over to Art who was talking to Uncle Joe and Joe says he got these giant letter openers. Art says what you gonna do with those? He says I donít know I got one Purdy one thatís all shiny and it say MaestroÖ heck that be Spanish for teacher. Some teacher used that to open mail. Yea I never did cotton much to school or those school marms Iím gonna throw it in the trash. The other ones Iím gonna use to pry open cans. How about you Art? Well, I got these pots with white stuff in them. One says something about Martins Candy I was gonna test it but the dog got it and boy we had some mess he got all foamed in the mouth and ran around the neighborhood like that and officer Johns shot him thinking he be rabid. Iím gonna use the rest of the pots to wash the goat. Just then Cousin Billie came over and said you know what that weirdo left me? I got all these leather belts. But they be too short to wear and they ainít got no buckles. Iím gonna punch holes in them and put things in them. Joe says you stupid or something those be whips. He must have been one of those folks who whip themselves for fun or maybe he think heís that Zorro fella. Yea one say something about KanaÖerr..kayaÖheck it have the number one million on it and it be an inch thick. Iím gonna cut that one into little strips and make thimbles out of it.

I got to thinkin who the guy in the box was and what junk he left his relations so I walked over and looked down and hey wait a minute thatís me there.

So I see the funeral guy talking to his assistant and the assistant says how the deceased got those scars all over his face? The director say well my electric shaver quit on me so I had to use my Ginsu kitchen knife to shave him. It donít matter he be one of those straight shavers and those guys are nuts anyway and they always slice their faces, they like it that way. That be a known fact.

All of a sudden Iím standing in this auditorium and thereís this auction goin on and the auctioneer says he got this collection of rare razors from this dude who passed away. He starts talking about how backwards these people are who actually use these and this guy was a real troglodyte. Yea he picks up the razor and shows it and starts saying how he canít believe anyone would actually use this and starts berating the deceased and the crowd starts cheering and laughing at the deceased whose picture (in the coffin with all the scars on his face is flashed on this giant screen) and they start throwing things at the picture and no wants to bid on the razors and he has to pay people to take them away.

Next thing I know itís morning and my face and pillow are full of blood and I have to finish the shave I started last night going around the cut. Yea, the missus says I wish you got rid of all this junk and just replaced it with a simple electric shaver. Afterall, when youíre dead and gone what is going to happen to all this junk?


  1. Deerhunter1995's Avatar
    makes you wonder what people will think of our (junk) when we die, i only have a few puckes of soap, a beat up razor and a strop and brush, id hate to see whats gonna happen to them after i croke, fortuniatly i have a long time before i consider death, Great story
  2. Bruno's Avatar
    Nelson, you know me and you know that I will treat your razors and stones with respect.
    Put me in your will as the person to inherit those from you, and you have my word that they will be well cared for.
    nun2sharp likes this.