When I heated my home with oil, I used an average of 800 gallons a year. I have found that I can keep comfortably warm for an entire winter with slightly over half that quantity of beer. -- Dave Barry
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When I heated my home with oil, I used an average of 800 gallons a year. I have found that I can keep comfortably warm for an entire winter with slightly over half that quantity of beer. -- Dave Barry
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Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy. (Benjamin Franklin)
~Richard
The worst thing about some men is that when they are not drunk they are sober. --William Butler Yeats
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“I believe you have my stapler.”...
A staple diet is highly recommended by MDs
Ha!
I don't care if they lay me off either, because I told, I told Bill that if they move my desk one more time, then, then I'm, I'm quitting, I'm going to quit. And, and I told Don too, because they've moved my desk four times already this year, and I used to be over by the window, and I could see the squirrels, and they were married, but then, they switched from the Swingline to the Boston stapler, but I kept my Swingline stapler because it didn't bind up as much, and I kept the staples for the Swingline stapler and it's not okay because if they take my stapler then I'll set the building on fire..
And the cake scene ends with Milton mumbling under his breath, "I could set the building on fire."
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Literature is mostly about having sex and not much about having children. Life is the other way around.
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Children should never discuss sex in the presence of their elders.
Why does a Chicken coop have two windows in it?
If it had 4 it would be a Chicken Sedan... :roflmao
Friendly fire isn't
Archaeologists take sedimental journeys.
If a man speaks in the forest and there is no woman there to hear him, is he still wrong?
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A woman drove me to drink -- and I hadn't even the courtesy to thank her.
A closed mouth gathers no feet.
Ain't a mome rath born that can outgrabe me!
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When people tell me, "You're going to regret that in the morning", I sleep until noon because I'm a problem solver.
:tu
Candy is dandy, but liquor is quicker. (Ogden Nash)
Well, if we're gonna get all Nashy..
The one L lama, he's a priest
The two L llama, he's a beast
And I will bet my silk pyjama
There isn't any three L lllama.
--O. Nash
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A man who carries a cat by the tail learns something he can learn in no other way.
- Mark Twain
And thanks to Razorfeld for getting this started, it has brightened the day more than once..
I tried to log on to my iPad. Turns out it's an Etch-a-Sketch and I don't own a iPad. Also, I'm out of Vodka.
"When you wake up in the morning, Pooh," said Piglet, "what's the first thing you say to yourself?"
"What's for breakfast?" said Pooh. "What do you say, Piglet?"
"I say, I wonder what's going to happen exciting today?" said Piglet.
Pooh thought for a moment. "It's the same thing," he said.
Some days I think maybe Pooh was right but then I think "Hey! I get to shave today!"
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I tried snorting Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.
Silly,,,,you gotta crush the ice first..:rolleyes:
"Lead us not into temptation; just tell us where it is, we'll find it." Sam Levinson
Insanity is hereditary, you can get it from your children.
This is my ALL TIME FAVORITE joke!
A Shetland pony walks into a bar and says to the bartender "Give me a drink"
The bartender says "Excuse me?"
The Shetland pony says "A drink...I want a drink"
The bartender says "You have to speak up, I can't hear you"
The Shetland pony says "Sorry I'm a little horse!"
:gaah:
:rofl2::rofl2::roflmao:roflmao:rofl2::rofl2:
There's two fish in a tank, and one says, ''How do you drive this thing?''
The Invisible Man and Invisible Woman have a kid:
He is nothing to look at.... :shrug:
That is so stupid, it's actually funny. :rofl2:
Every time I talk to an Obama voter, I order the large fries.
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,:gaah:,,,,,,,,,,,,with a large diet Coke Attachment 144560