Thread: Joke of the day

http://youtu.be/mPwhMoQBg_8

I hope that doesn't put any mods over the edge.

Originally Posted by ChopperDave

Axe - Clean Your Balls (Funny Naughty Commercial) - YouTube

I hope that doesn't put any mods over the edge.

That was funny. Thanks for sharing

Wife says to husband "you only ever want sex when you're drunk".
Husband says "that's not true .. sometimes I want a kebab"

Ok...weather guy here, so of course I have to drop in my favorite weather joke...

Why does Snoop Dog carry an umbrella?


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Wait for it...

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...Fo Drizzle!

My wife will frequently complain when I got out to a bar with friends to relax. Sometimes I need my own space. After listening to her one too many times, I told her that I was going to take up sky diving and give up the bar. This gave her pause.
I wen on th explain that I was going to take up military style jumping. I was going to find an overused, under maintained airplane. Flown with out of date instruments. Using a parachute made by the lowest bidder and pray that I made it safely to the ground. Well she damn near had a total break down.
Finally I told her that I had just bought a $5 million dollar life insurance policy. She suddenly calmed down and wished me lots of fun jumping from planes. Now I have a great excuse to go to the bar in the middle of the day for 5-6 hours without listening to het bitch. I never get higher off the Earth than a bar stool. I should have come up with this idea sooner.





Above all else, God bless the military for doing what they do for all of us!! God bless military families (parents, spouses and children) who give up so much too. This is a joke on my wife not the heart of our military.

A pet store had a parrot named Chet that they could never seem to sell. The reason being that Chet refused to speak other than by singing Jingle bells and attacking people. Every day a nice young lady would walk by the pet shop to and from her way to work, and every day Chet would do the same thing, attack the bars of his cage and then sing Jingle Bells. After a couple months of this and the nice young lady walked into the bet store and asked the owner, "What's wrong with that parrot".

The Owner replied with, "Oh Chet? I've tried everything and he wont stop attacking people and singing Jingle bells. I dont know whats worse."

The woman pondered for a minute, straightened her face and said, "Let me take him home for the night and If by tomorrow morning I cant fix him I'll give you $500. If I fix him you pay me $500."

Thinking this would be the easiest money he'd ever made the shop owner agreed.

After hours of trying everything and only response being the same Chorus of "Jingle bells Jingle bells Jingle all the way" as Chet attacked the cage she looses her temper. Grabbing the Parrot by the neck walks into the kitchen and tells him," so help me if you keep singing Jingle bells I'm going to burn your balls off", and proceeds to open the freezer and throws in chet. After a few minutes she knocks on the freezer door and asks if he has anything to say. Of course Chet continues with his favorite song. Enraged she reaches inside grabs him by the neck and holds him over a lighter. After a few seconds the bird starts yelling, "please mam please!!!" So she tosses him onto the counter and again asks him what he has learned. He sits, ponders for a few seconds, gives her a dirty look and begins singing, "Chet's nuts roasting on an open fire". From that day forward Chet had a new song, a much better attitude and she was $500 ritcher

.............

He was in ecstasy, with a huge smile on his face as his wife moved forwards then backwards, forward then backward, again and again.

Back and forth, back and forth, in and out, a little to the right, a little to the left, she could feel the sweat on her forehead, between her
breasts, and trickling down the small of her back, she was getting near to the end.

Her heart was pounding, her face was flushed, she moaned, softly at first,
then began to groan louder.

Finally, totally exhausted, she let out a piercing scream and shouted;
"OK, OK, you smug bastard, I can't parallel park, you do it."

An Englishman, an Irishman, a Scotsman, a Vicar, a Rabbi and a Priest walk into a bar. The barman looks up and says "What is this, some kind of joke?"

Q# Heard about the Irish rapeist ?

A# tied the woman's legs together so she couldn't get away