thebigspendur

I was getting ready to shave last night and picked out my weapons, my DD Golden Mandarin and my Thater Brush and hmm… lets see I’ll use Obie’s revenge (MDC soap) and finish with some Royall Spice AS. Well I’m lathered up and strop up the razor and start the first stroke down my chin and unnoticed the missus walks by and decides I’m in the way of her getting into the closet and slams the door into my back. Oh, sorry dear you didn’t hurt yourself did you? Why of course not the streams of blood running down my face are very becoming aren’t they? Gee you should be more careful ,yes YOU should shouldn’t you. Well, stopped the bleeding, ruined my shave and the thing keeps opening up in bed. Finally I doze off to slumber land and wakeup with a start and hey, what’s going on here, where am I?

I look around and I’m in some room in what looks like a funeral parlor. I see all these relations I haven’t seen in years and there’s some guy in the corner in a coffin. I see Cousin Art in the corner, heck when did he get out of prison? I thought he would be there another 20 years. I say how you doin Art? Why he doesn’t even bother to respond feedin his face with mini pizzas. I see Cousins Eric and Rob talking in the corner so I go over to them and they don’t respond either so I figured I’d stick around.

Eric says well what did he leave you? Heck if I know I got a box of rocks of some kind. All different colors, some blue some beige some green. Some got some oriental writtin on them. Some are sealed on wood bases. Now why would someone put a rock in a wood base? I got the perfect thing to do with them, I’m gonna use them to patch the stucco on the side of my house they’ll look good there and keep the wind out. What you get Rob? Heck I don’t rightly know. I think they be giant paint brushes? Really, I didn’t know he was an artist. Yea one is marked Plisson, France and it say size 85 and on the handle it say something about white mountain and …uh…I-v-o-r- uh you know that be from that outfit Ivor Johnson who make those Saturday Night Specials that be junk. Yea I got it here I’m gonna throw it in the trash. The others I’ll give to my kids to use to paint with.

I went back over to Art who was talking to Uncle Joe and Joe says he got these giant letter openers. Art says what you gonna do with those? He says I don’t know I got one Purdy one that’s all shiny and it say Maestro… heck that be Spanish for teacher. Some teacher used that to open mail. Yea I never did cotton much to school or those school marms I’m gonna throw it in the trash. The other ones I’m gonna use to pry open cans. How about you Art? Well, I got these pots with white stuff in them. One says something about Martins Candy I was gonna test it but the dog got it and boy we had some mess he got all foamed in the mouth and ran around the neighborhood like that and officer Johns shot him thinking he be rabid. I’m gonna use the rest of the pots to wash the goat. Just then Cousin Billie came over and said you know what that weirdo left me? I got all these leather belts. But they be too short to wear and they ain’t got no buckles. I’m gonna punch holes in them and put things in them. Joe says you stupid or something those be whips. He must have been one of those folks who whip themselves for fun or maybe he think he’s that Zorro fella. Yea one say something about Kana…err..kaya…heck it have the number one million on it and it be an inch thick. I’m gonna cut that one into little strips and make thimbles out of it.

I got to thinkin who the guy in the box was and what junk he left his relations so I walked over and looked down and hey wait a minute that’s me there.

So I see the funeral guy talking to his assistant and the assistant says how the deceased got those scars all over his face? The director say well my electric shaver quit on me so I had to use my Ginsu kitchen knife to shave him. It don’t matter he be one of those straight shavers and those guys are nuts anyway and they always slice their faces, they like it that way. That be a known fact.

All of a sudden I’m standing in this auditorium and there’s this auction goin on and the auctioneer says he got this collection of rare razors from this dude who passed away. He starts talking about how backwards these people are who actually use these and this guy was a real troglodyte. Yea he picks up the razor and shows it and starts saying how he can’t believe anyone would actually use this and starts berating the deceased and the crowd starts cheering and laughing at the deceased whose picture (in the coffin with all the scars on his face is flashed on this giant screen) and they start throwing things at the picture and no wants to bid on the razors and he has to pay people to take them away.

Next thing I know it’s morning and my face and pillow are full of blood and I have to finish the shave I started last night going around the cut. Yea, the missus says I wish you got rid of all this junk and just replaced it with a simple electric shaver. Afterall, when you’re dead and gone what is going to happen to all this junk?