Thread: Best Advice you have ever received

Originally Posted by speed_pigeon

"don't fart in the shower, especially if it is fully enclosed!" me, today.

HAHA nice one...

Here are 39 pieces from one of my favorite comediens, Tim Wilson. Actually, he attributes them to his uncle.

a virgin don't never drive a z-28
never bet the ranch on your prostate
if it's got an adams apple its probley a man
never trust a gay gypsy with the palm of your hand

she didn't accidently get good in bed
you can't join a church if your already dead
a work uniform ain't totally nude
brim and bass ain't seafood

when theres guns in the house one better be yours
don't be naked next to any fishin' lures
if theres girl scout cookies she's a little too young
if you say I do... be the ugly one

don't ever let a bald man borry your comb
never play strip poker in a nursin' home
don't blame your pall bearers cuz they don't show
if your buried in the middle of the super bowl

let people borry money they'll leave you alone
never fry bacon without a shirt on
never spray water on a hornets nest
a woman rarely aces the drivers test

the sign probly don't really mean massage
never threaten anybody in camoflauge
say you love her til she lays down the butcher knife
never put the move on the bosses wife

she's messin' round on ya if yer briefs don't fit
never trust a hitch-hiker to babysit
Cosmo's never in a happy home
you can't cut a deal with a kidney stone

a politician ain't got an HMO
washin' her hair means she don't wanna go
don't ridicule a biker bout' his tatoo
you been married nine times... hell maybe its you

Doom ain't the same as donkey kong
if he's wearing high heels you mighta raised him wrong
the clinic ain't the best place to pick up dates
don't rent a room from a man named Bates

a tank tops never on a billionaire
Stevie Ray Vaughn missed a note here and there
how many get to heaven noone knows
but hell will be asses and elbows

"Treat others as you want to be treated."
- Golden Rule

No one ever lies on his death bed thinking "I should have spent more time at the office...."
- I don't remember who told me that, but I think it's important.

Whether you agree or disagree with someone, always show them respect even if they show you none. Keep your dignity and class, because if you lose that, even for a moment, it will haunt you a lot longer than your adversary's words.

Never argue with a man in front of their family. Wait until you are alone. It's a no-win situation. His wife will naturally back him up (as she should), so the odds aren't in your favour, and if you win, the man is humiliated.

My grandfather - "Make sure the first punch is his nose. It makes the tears start and that's often the end of the fight."

It's always darkest just before it goes pitch black

Keep your friends close but your enemies closer

The difference between the brave(or the dead) and the coward is about 10 seconds

My physics professor - "Mother always wins" meaning mother nature

One definition of insanity is to keep repeating the same action and expecting a different result.

Measure once, saw twice and splice!

Don't open your mouth, just to change feet.

My favorite one was in High school in automechanics when the teacher looked at me while trying to figure out what was wrong with an engine. "Think about your basics, don't try to make things complicated" That has served me very well in most aspects in my life. Alot like KISS.
Photoguy67

"Wear safety glasses."

j

From a diving instructor, after a demonstration...

"Don't breathe the water"