Thread: Fantastic news from Gillette-unbelievable.

I just got this letter from Gillette. I'm speechless.


May 17, 2011


The Corporate Office of Mark M Leckie
Chief Executive Officer-The Gillette Company
The Prudential Tower
Boston, Mass, 02199
(617) 421-7000

Dear Bigspendur:

Thank you so much for writing to me. I want to take this opportunity to address your concerns and those of your fellow wet shavers and discuss some of our exciting new innovations that will be of interest to you and your friends.

As you know we at Gillette have been dedicated to provide the most innovative and best performing shave products available to men throughout the world for many, many years. When our founder King Gillette invented his prototype safety razor it was one of the most significant events in the history of modern man. It meant finally every man in the world was released from the drudgery of having to learn through pain and agony the skills involved in the use of a straight razor. Not only that, but the advanced skills mastered by few to maintain these razors caused the folks of the day to either pay exorbitant sums of money to have their razors sharpened or they simply used dull razors. Yes, men throughout the world cursed the daily ritual of crudely scraping the whiskers off their faces and having to spend hours hunched over a hone in a futile attempt to keep those implements sharp enough so they could do their job without doing too much damage to your face. Just imagine what it meant to simply pop a new blade into a razor and be able to safely remove those whiskers so easily the first time a child could do it with no skill required at all.

Yes that is what we at Gillette have been all about with our advanced and scientifically developed products to compliment the actual shaving appliance. Our newest razors are at the height of shaving bliss to our customers and we will continue to improve and reengineer our products through the years.

However, what I am most excited to talk to you about is our newest product. Yes we are well aware of the recent interest in straight razor shaving. Personally, I just don’t comprehend why someone would want to insult their skin with such a crude appliance however you know we are a business and we are in it for our investors and yes we have gotten the message.

Over the past couple of years we have been buying up old vintage straight razors by the hundreds of thousands and have been studying them very carefully. Just last week one of our engineers brought me a box of razors with little ducks on them and some figure of Mr Death on them. I guess there were at least 500 of them and before we melted them down we sawed of the scales and melted them to so as to analyze the component parts. Yes we have become experts at analyzing the steel to determine what makes the perfect straight razor. We’ve melted down so many of these razors we can’t even dispose of the melted slag we have from them. I was amazed at all the funny little drawings and names these razors had. Ducks and Pumas and people and all the scales made of Ivory and Sterling Silver and Tortise, why it was something to throw them all in the furnace by the millions. But I digress. Yes we learned much from our efforts.

However, as a result I will be holding a press conference very soon and will announce our latest product. I am telling you first so please keep it to yourself until the public announcement.

We will be marketing the most technologically advanced straight razor ever seen by man. Yes, after years of development our customers will be able to by “The Signature King”. This amazing instrument and yes I call it an instrument will essentially be a 7/8s straight razor. We have determined the best material to use is Tungsten Carbide and that is what the razor will be made of and it will have scales made of genuine dinosaur copralites. We guarantee the razor will stay sharp for at least 5 years. What is the most amazing thing is the blade which will be a wedge will consist of one main section but the very edge will have 8 individual cutting surfaces arranged in a scientifically optimized array which will be enclosed in a crystallized matrix.The blades will have diamond ground facets. It will take only one pass to realize shaving nirvana. There will also be a deluxe model with an electric motor which will increase the cutting action of the blades.

We will begin our media blitz in a month or two and within a year or so every man in America will want to shave with our new Straight Razor and even if they foolishly choose a traditional type the ranks of your brethren will swell by the millions.

Of course along with the razor we will be marketing an entire line of high end products to compliment our new razor. Yes everything from hot towels containing nanobots to scientifically prepare your face for the shave to a new strop lined with Boron Carbide and new shave cream. It has taken us much to develop a shaving soap that will behave exactly like our much revered “Gillette Foamy” right from the can and of course our new deluxe Gillette shaving brush made from the finest of Elephant Hair which is being harvested as we speak in the depths of Africa by native tribesmen. Then of course our preshave oils made from recycled cooking oil from Burger King and our after shaves made from the rarest of plant and animal extracts sourced throughout the world.

Yes once you try one of our new straight razors which I am sending to you as a gift you too will agree Gillette is “the best a man get”.

Sincerely

Your shaving buddy
Mark.

Fantastic. I can only hope it will be available in the uk also.

Absolutely the best!!! Thank you BigSpender.

No trimmer blade on the spine? Disappointed.

I knew they would come around to our way of shaving.

To be honest though, I was expecting more

I say we plan an assualt and relieve them of their research blades. We must liberate them lest they end up like all the others in the furnace. It is the only humane thing to do. Who's with me?

7/8 Shavette with Tungsten Carbide disposable blades and dinoshit scales. CAN'T WAIT

Originally Posted by thebigspendur

8 individual cutting surfaces arranged in a scientifically optimized array which will be enclosed in a crystallized matrix

Classic...

Originally Posted by thebigspendur

There will also be a deluxe model with an electric motor which will increase the cutting action of the blades.

that sounds awfully dangerous.