So is spelling!Quote:
Originally Posted by ReardenSteel
http://i32.photobucket.com/albums/d4...pstaueb7cr.jpg
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So is spelling!Quote:
Originally Posted by ReardenSteel
http://i32.photobucket.com/albums/d4...pstaueb7cr.jpg
How do you know when 4 elephants have been in the fridge?
There is a little red mini parked outside :)
I knew that was coming, well played Ed.Quote:
Originally Posted by edhewitt
One for the Aussies,,,
A Kiwi walks into a bar with a seagull on his shoulder..
Bartender asks "Oh how cute, where did you get it from?"
Seagull replies "Bondi beach...There's hundreds of them..."
Good one, Ed
I thought a Wok was something you threw at a wabbit?Quote:
Originally Posted by Geezer
A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional box, sits down but says nothing. The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk just sits there. Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall. The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either".
rs,
Tack
Oh the memories!Quote:
Originally Posted by Tack
...of not being able to find toilet paper in the confessional after a weekend binder?Quote:
Originally Posted by Geezer
Here is some of Mitch Hedberg's jokes. Some are edited or paraphrased.
I didn’t go to college, but if I did, I would have taken all my tests at a restaurant, because the customer is always right.
Alcoholism is a disease. But it’s like the only disease you can get yelled at for having.
"Dang it Otto, your an alcoholic!!"
"Dang it Otto, you have lupis!!"
One of those does not sound right.
I went to the store to buy a candle holder, but they were out. So, I bought a cake.
A lot of bars have black lights. And when a bar has black lights, everybody looks very cool. Except for me… because I was under the impression that the mustard stain came out.
I can’t floss my teeth, man. I can’t get into the flossing thing. People who smoke cigarettes, they say “Man, you don’t know how hard it is to quit smoking.” Yes I do. It’s as hard as it is to START flossing.
That would be cool if SpiderMan shot hammocks instead of nets. “Hey, you’re not a criminal, but you do need to relax.”
I play golf. I’m not good at golf, I never got good. I never got a hole-in-one. But I did hit a guy. And that’s way more satisfying. You’re supposed to yell “Fore!” but I was too busying mumbling “There ain’t no way that’s gonna hit him.”
The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place. Grandma couldn't speak very well, but she could write notes when she needed to communicate. After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and stuffed pillows on her right side.
A short time later, she started leaning to her left, so again they grabbed her and propped her up with pillows. Soon she started leaning forward, so they grabbed her again and tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up.
A nephew who arrived late came running up and said, "Hi Grandma, you're looking good! How are they treating you?" Grandma took out her pen and notepad and wrote, "They won't let me fart."
rs,
Tack
Dog:
I'm just saying if we evolved from wolves, then why are there still wolves?
It's a dog eat dog world!Quote:
Originally Posted by rolodave
A Texas cowboy and his bride ask the hotel desk clerk for a room, telling him they just got married that morning.
"Congratulations!" says the clerk.
Looking at the cowboy, he asks, "Would you like the bridal then?"
"Aw, no thanks," says the cowboy. "I reckon I'll just hold her by the ears 'til she gets the hang of it."
rs,
Tack
......................:rofl2:
Tried to make a reservation at the library. Couldn't get one though, they were fully booked.
Yesterday, scientists revealed that beer contains small amounts of female hormones. In a study to test this theory, 100 men were fed 12 beers each and it was observed that 100% of them gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became emotional, couldn't drive, and refused to apologize when wrong. No further testing is planned.
rs,
Tack
Why can't you trust an atom?
They make up everything
A teenage boy is getting ready to take his girlfriend to the prom. First he goes to rent a tux, but there’s a long tux line at the shop and it takes forever.
Next, he has to get some flowers, so he heads over to the florist and there’s a huge flower line there. He waits forever but eventually gets the flowers.
Then he heads out to rent a limo. Unfortunately, there’s a large limo line at the rental office, but he’s patient and gets the job done.
Finally, the day of the prom comes. The two are dancing happily and his girlfriend is having a great time. When the song is over, she asks him to get her some punch, so he heads over to the punch table and brings its over to her immediately.
,,,,,,,,,,,,,Attachment 209055
because theres no punch lineQuote:
Originally Posted by Hirlau
HAR! :roflmao
Oh dear...Quote:
Originally Posted by cosperryan
Almost matches your elephant joke setup.Quote:
Originally Posted by edhewitt
................Gawd! Brilliance. :rofl2:Quote:
Originally Posted by edhewitt
Why is six afraid of seven?
Because seven ate nine.
Visual more than verbal :
Attachment 209083
Girls are more important?Quote:
Originally Posted by Hirlau
Finally, something original!Quote:
Originally Posted by bongo
Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The Ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve You, but don't start anything."
Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.
A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'" "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" Well, "It's Not Unusual."
Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," says Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.
An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
There are two types of people in this world. Those who can cope with incomplete information.
Jeb and Dolly are senior citizens and Jeb has always wanted an really expensive pair of alligator cowboy boots. One day he sees them on sale, impulsively buys them and wears them home, asking Dolly, "So, do you notice anything different about me?"
"Nothin's different. Looks like the same shirt you wore yesterday and the same pants."
"What's different?" Frustrated, Jeb goes into the bathroom, undresses and comes out completely naked, wearing only the new boots. Again he asks, "OK Dolly, NOW do you see anything different?"
"What's different, Jeb? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday and it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."
Angrily, Jeb yells, "Do you know why it's hanging down? 'CAUSE IT'S LOOKIN' AT MY NEW BOOTS!!"
She says, "You shoulda bought a hat."
rs,
Tack
What do you call a sleep walking nun.
A Roamin' Catholic
Hellen Keller walks into a bar.
Then a table.
Then a chair.
While hiking down along the border this morning, I saw a Muslim extremist fall into the Rio Grande River. He was struggling to stay afloat because of all the guns and bombs he was carrying. Along with him was a drug runner who was also struggling to stay afloat because of the large backpack of drugs that was strapped to his back. If they didn't get help soon, they'd surely drown.
Being a responsible Texan and abiding by the law to help those in distress, I informed the El Paso County Sheriff's Office as well as Homeland Security. It is now 4pm, neither authority has responded and both have drowned. I'm starting to think that I wasted two stamps.
rs,
Tack
I heard that she told him to start a shave forum. . . he needed a new memberQuote:
Originally Posted by Tack
gaaa! Attachment 209268Quote:
Originally Posted by Geezer
rs,
Tack
It's not cool to make fun of the blind, but it's kind of fun to rearrange the furniture from time to time.Quote:
Originally Posted by cosperryan
I just finished a great book about Helen Keller. she was a brilliant woman
:):):w:w:wI don't get it.Quote:
Originally Posted by pixelfixed
Did you forget the punchline?
:)
..........Sorry for any offence! ...............Attachment 209271
