Page 5 of 63 FirstFirst 1234567891555 ... LastLast
Results 41 to 50 of 622
Like Tree2282Likes

Thread: Clean jokes

  1. #41
    Razor Vulture sharptonn's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2010
    Location
    Lone Star State
    Posts
    25,049
    Thanked: 8503

    Default

    Ok, ok, enough already.

    A man walks into a music store and wants to buy a good, old-fashioned vinyl record. He gets the record and is ready to check out when he discovers that he forgot his wallet. Instead of going out and getting his wallet, he decides to steal the record. So he sticks it down his pants.

    Of course, the cashier spots him on the way out and says, "Hey! Is that a record in your pants?"

    The man replies, "Well, it may not be a record but I haven't heard any complaints."

  2. #42
    Senior Member blabbermouth Hirlau's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2010
    Location
    South Florida
    Posts
    13,530
    Thanked: 3529

    Default

    ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
    sharptonn and Steel like this.

  3. #43
    Senior Member guitstik's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2014
    Location
    Eads, TN
    Posts
    1,042
    Thanked: 161

    Default

    There were three medieval kingdoms on the shores of a lake. There was an island in the middle of the lake, over which the kingdoms had been fighting for years. Finally, the three kings decided that they would send their knights out to do battle, and the winner would take the island. The night before the battle, the knights and their squires pitched camp and readied themselves for the fight. The first kingdom had 12 knights, and each knight had five squires, all of whom were busily polishing armor, brushing horses, and cooking food. The second kingdom had twenty knights, and each knight had 10 squires. Everyone at that camp was also busy preparing for battle. At the camp of the third kingdom, there was only one knight, with his squire. This squire took a large pot and hung it from a looped rope in a tall tree. He busied himself preparing the meal, while the knight polished his own armor. When the hour of the battle came, the three kingdoms sent their squires out to fight (this was too trivial a matter for the knights to join in). The battle raged, and when the dust had cleared, the only person left was the lone squire from the third kingdom, having defeated the squires from the other two kingdoms, thus proving that the squire of the high pot and noose is equal to the sum of the squires of the other two sides.
    SRP. Where the Wits aren't always as sharp as the Razors
    http://straightrazorplace.com/shaving-straight-razor/111719-i-hate-you-all.html

  4. #44
    Senior Member Ernie1980's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2013
    Location
    Texas
    Posts
    1,568
    Thanked: 269

    Default

    What did the duck tell the cashier when she got a new tube of lipstick?

    Put it on my bill

  5. #45
    Senior Member blabbermouth Hirlau's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2010
    Location
    South Florida
    Posts
    13,530
    Thanked: 3529

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by guitstik View Post
    There were three medieval kingdoms on the shores of a lake. There was an island in the middle of the lake, over which the kingdoms had been fighting for years. Finally, the three kings decided that they would send their knights out to do battle, and the winner would take the island. The night before the battle, the knights and their squires pitched camp and readied themselves for the fight. The first kingdom had 12 knights, and each knight had five squires, all of whom were busily polishing armor, brushing horses, and cooking food. The second kingdom had twenty knights, and each knight had 10 squires. Everyone at that camp was also busy preparing for battle. At the camp of the third kingdom, there was only one knight, with his squire. This squire took a large pot and hung it from a looped rope in a tall tree. He busied himself preparing the meal, while the knight polished his own armor. When the hour of the battle came, the three kingdoms sent their squires out to fight (this was too trivial a matter for the knights to join in). The battle raged, and when the dust had cleared, the only person left was the lone squire from the third kingdom, having defeated the squires from the other two kingdoms, thus proving that the squire of the high pot and noose is equal to the sum of the squires of the other two sides.
    OMG,,, get me a couple of Advil,,,,
    Jimbo, sharptonn and Steel like this.

  6. #46
    barba crescit caput nescit Phrank's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2013
    Location
    Toronto, Canada
    Posts
    9,621
    Thanked: 2681

    Default

    Three legged dog walks into a bar, looks around, and say's, "Alright, who shot my Pa(w)!"....

    Booo....boooo....boooo!

    Sorry....

  7. #47
    Razor Vulture sharptonn's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2010
    Location
    Lone Star State
    Posts
    25,049
    Thanked: 8503

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by guitstik View Post
    There were three medieval kingdoms on the shores of a lake. There was an island in the middle of the lake, over which the kingdoms had been fighting for years. Finally, the three kings decided that they would send their knights out to do battle, and the winner would take the island. The night before the battle, the knights and their squires pitched camp and readied themselves for the fight. The first kingdom had 12 knights, and each knight had five squires, all of whom were busily polishing armor, brushing horses, and cooking food. The second kingdom had twenty knights, and each knight had 10 squires. Everyone at that camp was also busy preparing for battle. At the camp of the third kingdom, there was only one knight, with his squire. This squire took a large pot and hung it from a looped rope in a tall tree. He busied himself preparing the meal, while the knight polished his own armor. When the hour of the battle came, the three kingdoms sent their squires out to fight (this was too trivial a matter for the knights to join in). The battle raged, and when the dust had cleared, the only person left was the lone squire from the third kingdom, having defeated the squires from the other two kingdoms, thus proving that the squire of the high pot and noose is equal to the sum of the squires of the other two sides.
    HEY Stik! Where ya been??

  8. #48
    Contains ingredients Tack's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2012
    Location
    SE Texas
    Posts
    1,043
    Thanked: 237

    Default

    Dear Son,

    I'm writing this slow 'cause I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left. Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within twenty miles of home, so we moved. Won't be able to send you the address as the last family that lived here took the numbers with them for their house, so they wouldn't have to change their address.

    This place has a washing machine. The first day I put four shirts in it, pulled the chain and haven't seen 'em since.

    It only rained twice this week, three days the first time and four days the second time.

    The coat you wanted me to send to you, Aunt Sue said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with them heavy buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

    We got a bill from the funeral home, and it said if we didn't make the final payment on Grandma's funderal bill, up she comes.

    About your sister, she had the baby this morning. I haven't found out if it is a boy or a girl yet so I don't know if you are an Aunt or Uncle.

    Your Uncle John fell in the whiskey vat. Some men tried to get him out, but he fought them off, so he drowned. We cremated him and he burned for three days.

    Three of your friends went off the bridge in a pickup. One was driving and the other two were in the back. The driver got out. He rolled down the window and swam to safery. The other two drowned 'cause they couldn't get the tail gate down.

    Not much more news this time. Nothing much happened.  If you don't get this letter, please let me know and I will send another one.

    Love, Ma



    rs,
    Tack
    I have great faith in fools - self confidence my friends call it.

  9. The Following User Says Thank You to Tack For This Useful Post:

    Geezer (08-05-2015)

  10. #49
    Senior Member nipper's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2010
    Location
    Chapel Hill,NC
    Posts
    704
    Thanked: 259

    Default

    College students letter:

    Dear Dad,
    No Mon, no fun.
    Your son

    Reply:
    Dear Son,
    Too Bad, So sad
    Your Dad

  11. #50
    Senior Member blabbermouth Kees's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2006
    Location
    The Netherlands
    Posts
    5,451
    Thanked: 650

    Default

    A vicar with a bandaid on his chin explains to his congregation: "This morning when I was shaving I cut my face while I was thinking about my sermon". When he was counting the money collected during the service he found a little note reading: "Next Sunday please think of your face and cut your sermon".
    Jimbo, nipper, Geezer and 3 others like this.
    Plus ça change, plus c'est la même chose. Jean-Baptiste Alphonse Karr.

  12. The Following User Says Thank You to Kees For This Useful Post:

    sharptonn (08-06-2015)

Page 5 of 63 FirstFirst 1234567891555 ... LastLast

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •