Thread: Has Your Wife or Significant Other Done This Yet?

Well X I just talked to her...and I said:

"Honey, Im sorry I purchased an expensive new razor, it was an emotional purchase and I want to know what I could do to make it right because I want you to be happy and I dont want you to feel that I am buying things I want while you are restraining yourself from doing the same"

I realized that I have two 8/8 henckels that are almost identical and I could part with one of them which is inabsolute mint condition...especially cause Gary is rescaling yet another 8/8 henckels for me as we speak (which has already been paid for and my wife knows about) but the one he is working in is a cool worked back that I would never part with.

Anyway her response was:

"I just think that october is only two months away and you dont need to buy that many razors why arent the ones you have good enough"

to which I replied:

"Well, they are enough, but I really enjoy shaving and the razors dont loose their value so its more of an investment than an empty purchase, so I dont need a new one in october, but I also know that I will eventually want another special and most probably expensive razor and I just want to know what I can do to make it right by you for this purchase and future purchases"

in response to this:

she smiled (finally) and said "I am not sure, I just dont understand why you need more"

and I said:
"well you just think about what you think is fair as far as my razor collecting and spending and get back to me when you have had time to think about it"

she smiled said ok and now I think we both feel better and so far she still doesnt want me to sell any razors which I was sort of shocked about.

Oh and she made me promise to take her to the chocolate show in NYC this year which I had already agreed to months ago lol

Things are often not what they seem when it comes to personal relationships... could there be a hidden agenda?

I know my significant other doesn't "understand" the time I spend on-line w/SRP. This manifests itself in many ways, including criticism of the amount of money I spend on the "habit". But it's all really about the time I spend staring at the screen instead of her. So here's the pot calling the kettle...

Josh, could it be that she sees razors as the other woman in your life and she's jealous? Which of these women do you spend the most time with, courting and obsessing over?

Originally Posted by azjoe

Things are often not what they seem when it comes to personal relationships... could there be a hidden agenda?

I know my significant other doesn't "understand" the time I spend on-line w/SRP. This manifests itself in many ways, including criticism of the amount of money I spend on the "habit". But it's all really about the time I spend staring at the screen instead of her. So here's the pot calling the kettle...

Josh, could it be that she sees razors as the other woman in your life and she's jealous? Which of these women do you spend the most time with, courting and obsessing over?

Joe,
Even for an 'old fart' you're still wise beyond your years.

One other point I'd make--if you treat your wife (or your girlfriend) like your best friend, this whole competitive garbage goes away (e.g. chosing your fights, letting it go, showing her who's boss...). If your spouse is a friend and not just a replaceable sexual liasion, then you go out of your way to treat that person with respect. You take their feelings into account because you know your actions affect them and not just you. To do otherwise is selfish and in my opinion if that is your approach to life then you are not ready to get married. It's never just about you.

And yes, I'm still trying to learn this lesson myself, 14 years since marrying my best friend.

Cheers,
Ed

I think AZJOE has it nailed. When I forst got remarried <g> my wife hated me spending any time away. She had always lived in an apartment, I had a house which she moved into. She didn't understand the time needed for keeping the house up, garden chores, etc..... and each hour outdoors was an issue. As time went on we mellowed together. She has time to do her thing while I had time to do mine (at the same time of course so no arguments about "alone" time) we also greatly valued the together time and make sure we have plenty of it each week with regular dates. My business time is scheduled when she works or late at night after she is asleep. Some fun money comes from the business which mainly provides my daughters tuition and takes the strain off of houshold money going for a major expense which helps smooth over the loss of time.

Josh, your wife is probaly a bit jealous over time devoted to things other than her, especially if you travel for work. That and spending money in general that does not go directly into a house fund may seem like you are going in an oposite direction than she is.

I may not have realized all this on marriage #1 but this one is everything I missed and I could not be happier with my wife. We still act like new dates and this weeks small vacation was to celibrate our 11th year.

If you let her have her way now and if she is the right woman for you, you will have your way for a long life together.

Tony

Originally Posted by azjoe

Things are often not what they seem when it comes to personal relationships... could there be a hidden agenda?

I know my significant other doesn't "understand" the time I spend on-line w/SRP. This manifests itself in many ways, including criticism of the amount of money I spend on the "habit". But it's all really about the time I spend staring at the screen instead of her. So here's the pot calling the kettle...

Josh, could it be that she sees razors as the other woman in your life and she's jealous? Which of these women do you spend the most time with, courting and obsessing over?

I went and got my favorite razor and had a wonderful shave so I could think of how to respond to your post Joe. So here is my response:

I work most days of the week away from home. I often work very strange hours, I always work alone, and I rarely know who I am working with (as in we have no prior relationship). Many times I can talk about what I do, but no one understands the technogarble and its really not that interesting (unless you are doing it of course) and many times because of trade agreements or for instance this next week when I'll be in a higher security are at the pentagon I can say where Im working but not what I am doing. So 3 - 4 days a week I am for all intensive purposes alone...and I love my job, BUT my shaving and gun boards are pretty much my family and friends during this time. Sure I talk to my wife every day for a while, but with time changes and sometiems working in the middle of the night I often dont get to talk to her (or anyone else) much until I get home.

That being said, when I moved in with my wife (at that time my girlfriend) I moved to a state where I knew no one and she was pretty much my life. Well after a while that got old, she told me to get some hobbies...and I did my guns, my shaving, etc. BUT lately she has been telling me I spend too much time on my "shaving board talking to shaving people" and not enough time paying attention to her. At the same time since my schedule is so weird I don't necessarily go to sleep or wake up when she does, and that never bothered her, but now she has made it clear that she has changed her mind and now she would like me to fall asleep with her.

So when I was spending too much time with her she wanted me to get hobbies but after about 6 or 8 months with hobbies she needs more time. We have very different tastes in hobbies and entertainment. For instance I would be happy flying to a remote part of the country after a week in the field and going shooting or just sort of camping out in the mountains with or without company, and she would like to go taste chocolate lol.

At any rate, this not spending enough time with her thing is VERY new to me (about 3 weeks I think) but has apparently been building up inside her because she really lashes out about it, so I'll have to find a happy medium. HOWEVER, since I basically have no friends when I travel (except one week a year in vegas when we all my coworkers get together) and I am alone most of the time, this board has become my family and good friends and its very important to me. That concept is very hard to explain to someone who lives near all her relatives has lots of friends at work each day, and gets to sleep in her own bed at night, all she understands is that I have two options her, or everything else.

I have tried lately to spend more time with her, but when I mention things I get sarcastic responses like...why dont you go talk to your shaving buddies, I know thats what you would rather be doing. I think its her still letting out the stress that has built up over time. The fact is I have to balance my time, but my shaving board and my razors and my guns are what I find joy in during the times when I am not with my wife, which is a lot of the time.

That make sense?

On razor display and storage:
I love Blade Wielder's wall-cabinet, and look forward to doing something similar. In the meantime, my wife and I have separate dressers, and mine is mine, and I can keep my shaving stuff, or my shoeshine kit, or assorted nails and screws up there for all she cares.

On shared space and finances? We try hard to avoid the idea that one of us runs the home, or that one of us runs the financial decisions. Each of us does the legwork in our own areas of skill, but the resources belong to the family. Spending small amounts is no big whoop, but we check in on anything over a certain Magic Number (that number changes with our circumstances). It's not "asking permission," it's working with the team.

Originally Posted by JLStorm

Well X I just talked to her...

This is well done I think.

Another thing is that people sometimes like to degrade arguments/discussions into hurtfull episodes if they can't win intellectually. When my wife starts this, rather than respond emotionally I tell her not to be mean. I point out that she told me to go play on SRP to be rid of me which is mean spirited and doesn't serve the important issue we are dealing with. I should like to say, be aware that this can illicit a whole new level of passionate irrationality, but we are arming ourselves with tools against this as we speak.

Finally, I lose entirely if I am the pot calling the kettle black and am always second guessing myself to see if I am responding irrationally to my own passions. If I suspect that is the case I take a step back and re-evaluate.

X

I think everyone can see that this is a hot topic .

After the first couple of pages I started skimming so I may have missed it but the things that stuck out to me was the separation of funds that is insinuated even though you're staying in later posts (she says "it's your money too").

1. Decide who's boss. Make sure you're both in agreement with it. ("Boss" = responsibility, not power)
2. Decide what's your domain and what's her domain. Make sure you both agree. Do NOT violate each other's domain. Make sure you each have your own spaces in your bathroom, etc. Be willing to share when she's truly in need and not just selfish.
3. Have 1 main checking/savings account and each have your own Allowance account. Put ALL the money in the main account and put your monthly allowance in each account AFTER all the bills and savings are met. Yours is your to do with as you please, hers is hers to do with as she pleases. Even if she never touches it. Don't go beyond your allowance account minus 20 bucks. (always leave 20 in the account) MAKE SURE YOU BOTH AGREE ON THE MONTHLY ALLOWANCE AMOUNT ! ! ! !
4. Keep in mind that just because one person is labeled "boss" doesn't mean that person has authority to usurp the rules of the house. You must both agree to them and abide by them. You're both equal regardless.

My wife manages the interior of the house and the finances per mutual agreement. I have a single room that is mine, plus use of the garage as permitted by space availiability. We don't have enough income yet to do personal allowances so when I want/need something I tell her what it is, what the cost is and we usually set back money until we can afford it with the understanding that if an emergency happens that money will be used for the emergency if needed. Usually I get a new razor by making a decent amount of money on a contract and then mentioning the blade to her after I get paid. Generally speaking I can get 20 bucks or so allowance after a good contract for something like that if I really want it.

There are different schemes for managing money that work well. My wife and I have never had a joint account; we divvied up the bills years ago based on relative salaries. A certain chunk of our salaries go to savings and investments, and our bonuses are our own to play with. She gets her guns and shoes and books, I get my guns and razors and books. Out of general respect, any large purchase like a new gun or computer must be mutually approved.

I'm boss of the garage, she's boss of the apartment, so when all my pipes turned up in clear storage boxes I smiled and put some labels on them so I could still find stuff -- the imposed organization freed up space for more stuff :-) I get half of a closet for my razors and pipes and tobacco. The reloading equipment, ammunition, and guns share the rest of the closet.

The trick is to be accomodating, and find some workable compromise. Forestryprof is right, this is easier (or at least more natural) if your wife is primarily your best friend and only secondarily a sex partner.

Actually, it's 'for all intents and purposes' not intensive purposes.

Sorry, but I couldn't help myself.