Funny thing is, My name is Vern.Quote:
Originally Posted by rolodave
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Funny thing is, My name is Vern.Quote:
Originally Posted by rolodave
A polar bear walks into a bar and says, I will take a gin....... and tonic.
The bartender says, whats with the big pause?
Polar bear says, what these? ( hold up your hands when telling the joke) ; ) I love this one
There are 2 muffins in the oven, one muffin looks at the other and says holy smokes its hot in here.
The other muffin screams, AAHHH a talking muffin!
Happy Thanksgiving to all of you fine folks enjoy and be safe:D
I could never write this joke so it's as funny as watching and listening to this. Sorry about the poor video.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zSi-yCV-gQ4
Why did the cookie go to the hospital?
Becasue he felt crummy
Why did the baby strawberry cry?
Becasue his parents were in a jam
Happy thanksgiving!!!
A car full of Irish nuns is sitting at a traffic light in downtown Dublin, when a bunch of rowdy drunks pull up alongside of them.
"Hey, show us yer tits, ya bloody penguins!" shouts one of the drunks.
Quite shocked, Mother Superior turns to Sister Mary Immaculata and says, "I don't think they know who we are; show them your cross."
Sister Mary Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts, "Piss off, ya fookin' little wankers, before I come over there and rip yer balls off!"
Sister Mary Immaculata then rolls up her window, looks back at Mother Superior, quite innocently, and asks, "Did that sound cross enough?
I hope this works as it's copied and pasted :shrug:
I've posted it before but I still find it funny.
By GRANDMA
The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a 'Honk if you love Jesus' bumper sticker.
I was feeling particularly sassy that day, because I had just come from a thrilling choir practice followed by a powerful prayer meeting, so I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper. I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed.
It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus; because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed. I found that LOTS of people love Jesus. Why, while I was sitting there, the nice man behind started honking like crazy, and he leaned out of his window and screamed, 'for the love of God, GO! GO!' What an exuberant cheerleader he was for the Lord.
Everyone started honking! I just leaned out of my window and started waving and smiling at all these loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love. There must have been a man from Florida back there, because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach. I saw another man waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. When I asked my teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant, he said that it was a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.
Well, I've never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back.
My grandson burst out laughing; Oh My! Even he was enjoying this religious experience.
A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me.
I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed. So I waved to all my sisters and brothers, smiled at them all, and drove on through the intersection.
I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again, and I felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared, so I slowed the car down, leaned out of the window, and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.
Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!
Mick and Paddy were walking by a lumber yard and Mick sees a sign, "Look at dat Paddy,Tree Fellers Wanted". Paddy turns to Mick and says "To be sure, just our luck dere's only da two of us."
An elderly woman turns to her husband in church and says "I just let out a long silent toot, what should I do?"
He responds "change the battery in your hearing aid"
And along the same line...
Those that fart in church have to sit in their own pew :)
And the Lord said unto Pete "Come fourth and you shall have eternal life"
But Pete came fifth and won a toaster.
............:gaah:Quote:
Originally Posted by Thug
The inflatable boy attends an inflatable school with the other inflatable children, completely staffed by inflatable teachers. One day he goes mad with a pin, running around popping students, teachers, tables and chairs and so on.
He is called into the inflatable headmaster's office the next day. The headmaster says:
"I'm very disappointed in you. You've let yourself down, you've let your fellow students down, you've let the school down..."
James.
Good one Jimbo! Usually said by football players (in the first person) after a regrettable "off-field" incident.
On the night before her family moved from Kansas to California, the little girl knelt by her bed to say her prayers. "God bless Mommy and Daddy and Keith and Kim," she said. As she began to get up, she quickly added, "Oh, and God, this is goodbye. We're moving to Hollywood.
rs,
Tack
Never use a store loyalty card to scrape ice off your windscreen.
You'll only get 10% off.
I went to the zoo last week and saw a baguette in a cage.
The keeper said it was bred in captivity.
Too dangerous to let it go in the wild.Quote:
Originally Posted by CMOT
All the other baguettes are in packs! :rofl2:
What did the one hat say to the other hat?
"You stay here, I'll go on ahead."
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
...Because it was dead.
Why did the chicken fall out of the tree?
...Because it was stapled to the monkey.
:chapeau
If a pig loses it's voice, is it disgruntled?
I would add a joke about pizza but I think it is too cheesy for this thread.
I love this thread. I just wish I knew some clean jokes!
What did the man say after a book fell on his head?
I've only got my shelf to blame.
What did Custer say at the Little Big Horn batttle?
These Sioux’s are killing me!
A boy fell in the mud... oh wait sorry that's a dirty joke!
And it was also my grandmother favourite joke. A boy or a white horse were always the subject.
Apparently, you can't use "Beef Stew" as a password. It's not Stroganoff!
An excaped convict from London decided to hide away in Big Ben for the night. He fell asleep and plunged head first through the clock tower to his death. The local residents were awoken by a faint "ding" from the tower at about 3.15 am.
In the morning, a local constable found the body and asked the gathering crowd "Does anyone recognize this man?"
A voice from the back of the crowd replied "His face rings a bell"...
My wife is always offended when she gets in our new car. There's a sign on the dashboard that lights up and says "Passenger airbag on".
Blind guy with his service dog walks into the local Wal-Mart.
He grabs his dog by the tail and starts twirling him above his head.
An employee asks the man if he needs help.
He replies:
"No thank you. I'm just looking around."
Why has the Norwegian Navy put barcodes on all the ships?
So when they return to port they can Scandinavian
Did you hear about the cheese factory in France that exploded? The was da brie everywhere!
Poland is invading Russia...just as soon as their Army receives their new order of 100,000 "Septic TANKS"
what is black, white & red and has trouble with revolving doors???
A nun with a spear stuck in her head!!!
Quote:
Originally Posted by Gasman
See Jerry--You actually did know a 'clean joke'.Quote:
Originally Posted by Gasman
I don't know if I've posted this but it came from the Disney Channel way back in the day when my kids were small.
A mushroom goes to a dance. He asked a girl to dance with him and and she said; "I can't dance with you, you're a mushroom" to which he replied "That's true, but I am a fungi". :w
A bear walks into a bar and says, "let me have a gin.....................................and tonic.
The bartender look puzzled and said, "whats with the pause?"
The Bear said, "I dont know, I was born with them..."
Did you hear about the cross eyed teacher?
He couldn't control his pupils.
A termite crawls into a bar, asks "Where's the bartender?"
The doctor asked me the other day if anyone in my family suffered from mental illness. I said "No, we seem to enjoy it!"
An old man sitting on his front porch drinking his morning coffee... along comes a young boy messing around with something in his hand.
old man says, "say boy, whatcha got there in your hand?"
Boy, " i gots me some duct tape"
old man, "whatcha gonna do with that?"
boy, "Gonna catch me some ducks"
old man, "boy you crazy! you cant catch no ducks with duct tape!"
a little while later the boy comes stroll'in by with a whole bunch of ducks wrapped up in the tape slung over his shoulder
old man gives a puzzled look says to himself "well I'll be dammed"
the next morning the same boy comes stroll'in by while the old man is drink his morning coffee...
old man, "say boy, whatcha got there in your hand?"
boy, " i gots me some chicken wire"
old man, "whatcha gonna do with that?"
boy, " I'm gonna catch me some chickens"
old man, "Boy you crazy! you can catch no chickens with chicken wire!!!"
a little while later the boy comes stroll'in by with a whole bunch of chicken wrapped up in the chicken wire slung over his shoulder...
old man gives a puzzled look says to himself "well I'll be dammed"
very next morning the same boy comes stroll'in by while the old man is drinking his coffee...
old man, "say boy, NOW whatcha got there in your hand???"
boy says, "I gots me some pussy-willows"
old man jumps out of his chair says "NOW HOLD ON BOY! I gotta go get my hat!"
Just got a dog today from a old blacksmith.
When i got him home he made a bolt for the door!