Everyone be aware. There is a lot of new VD cases. My doctor just had 6 cases over the weekend alone. Don’t worry though. He’s ok now..... ba dump dump.
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Everyone be aware. There is a lot of new VD cases. My doctor just had 6 cases over the weekend alone. Don’t worry though. He’s ok now..... ba dump dump.
I read this is an actual ad from 1964.Not sure if its real and sorry if its been posted already.Pretty clever and did not think they could get away with this stuff back then?
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I could do this all year long. Lol
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I'm kind of short, so I though "Wouldn't it be great if I grew another foot?" But then I realized I'd need another shoe.
Hey...what do cats eat for breakfast.
MiCE KRISPIES
A buck well spent on Spring made sheets...
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So Noah was on the Ark taking time to listen to complaints and the anteater approached him and said, "Really Noah? You only brought two ants?".
Time for a "Dad" joke....I warned you.
Why can't you hear a Pteranodon use the bathroom?
Their "P" is silent!
Did you hear about the T-rex that was arrested for firearms sales? He was a small arms dealer.
An apprentice carpenter was being watched by his supervisor while he was attempting to nail some boards overhead. He was struggling with again and again having to straighten a nail and then pound it flush.
The supervisor walked over and said; "Son those must be deep sea nails" to which the apprentice said "Why"? The supervisor said "Because they've got the 'Bends'.
Optimist: The glass is half full.
Pessimist: The glass is half empty.
Mother: Why didn’t you use a coaster!
Henry sat down in the barber's chair....
"I'll have a shave and a shoe shine"
The barber began to lather his face, while a woman with the most beautiful face and figure that he had ever seen knelt beside him and began to shine his shoes.
Henry said, "Young lady, you and I should go and spend some time in a hotel room."
She replied, "I'm married, and my husband wouldn't like that."
The man said, "Tell him you're working overtime and I'll pay you the difference."
She said, "You tell him; you're closer."
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That was great Harold!
........
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Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He’s not breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911.
“I think my friend is dead!” he yells. “What can I do?”
The operator says, “Calm down. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.”
There’s a silence, then a shot. Back on the phone, the guy says, “OK, now what?”
Why did the man take a hammer to bed with him?
He wanted to hit the sack.
What did the Elephant say to the man?
How the heck do you breath through that little thing?
Boy at zoo:
Mommy, mommy, that big animal is picking cabbages with its tail. .. . And you won't believe where it's putting them!
"I grew up all my life believing I was Irish, but thanks to Ancestry.com, I now know I’m just a drunk."
What type of socks do pirates wear? Arrrgyle socks
Why did the banana go to the doctor? He wasn't peeling well.
Two mushrooms walk into a bar. One says to the bartender give me a double shot of your best vodka. The bartender looks down his nose at then and says in a condescending manner. We don't serve your kind here. The second mushroom pipes up and says why not we're fun guys!
"Rice is good when you're hungry and want 2,000 of something" Mitch Hedberg
Why did the sesame seed refuse to leave the casino?
He was on a roll.
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
If a tree falls in the forest and nobody hears, that means that my illegal logging business is a success!
There's a difference between 'Knowing your sh*t' and Knowing you're sh*t' :w
A kid decides to burn his house down.
Dad - putting his arm around his wife, both with tears in their eyes -
"That's arson"
A collection from a dearly departed friend:
1. The fattest knight at King Arthur's Round Table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island. It turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.
5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road .. . . and was cited for littering.
7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway.
One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'
13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger.
Then it hit me.
14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'
15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
17. A backward poet writes inverse.
18. In a democracy it's your vote that counts.
In feudalism it's your count that votes.
19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine.
21. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons.
The stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'
22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall.
One turns to the other and says 'Dam!'
23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft.
Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.'
The other says 'Are you sure?'
The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'
25. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.
26. There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh.
No pun in ten did.
27. A termite walked into a saloon and asked "Is the bar tender here?"
.......,...
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Jerry---------------------------------------------------
Why do you have your calendar turned to Saturday the 8th? :thinking: Even in your area of the country it's still Friday the 7th! :hmmm: Maybe you're still adjusting to the day shifts :shrug:
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Why did the bird go to the hospital?
For Tweetment.
Roy, its the wife's calendar and she went to bed. So she gets it ready for the next day. But you are correct. Damn ol' lady making me look bad. Lol.
Oh Sure! The loving husband waits till his lovely bride is sound asleep to blame her and she can't defend herself!!
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What did the ground say to the Dinosaur's footprint?
You made a big impression on me.
Just found out something interesting about my Grandfather. They say that just before he died he had the nurse smear bacon grease all over his body... We don't know why but after that he went down hill really fast.