Thread: Clean jokes

Originally Posted by ReardenSteel

If you're not part of the solution then you're part of the precipitate.



Sorry I'm kind of a chemistry nerd.

A chemistry teacher was brought up on charges for spilling NaCl on a student, cause that's a salt.

Do you know about the work of Pavlov?

It should ring a bell

I am reading this great book right now on anti-gravity, I just can't seem to put it down

This one's a bit long but I think it's worth it.
One dark night in the small town of Garfield , NJ, a fire started inside the local sausage factory. In a blink the building was engulfed in flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around.
When the first volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the sausage company president rushed to the fire chief and said, "All of our secret sausage recipes are in the vault in the center of the plant. They have to be saved, so I will donate $50,000 to the fire company that brings them out and delivers them to me."
But the roaring flames held the firefighters off. Soon more fire departments had to be called in because the situation became desperate. As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer to extricate the secret recipes was now $100,000 to the fire department that could save them.
Suddenly from up the road, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the fire engine of the nearby Lodi , NJ volunteer fire department composed mainly of Italian firefighters over the age of 65.
To everyone 's amazement, the little run-down fire engine, operated by these Italian firefighters, passed the fire engines parked outside the plant and drove straight into the middle of the inferno. Outside, the other firemen watched in amazement as the Italian old timers jumped off and began to fight the fire as if they were fighting to save their own lives. Within a short time, the Lodi old timers had exti nguished the fire and saved the secret recipes.
The grateful sausage company president joyfully announced that for such a superhuman accomplishment he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave elderly Italian firefighters.
A TV news crew rushed in after capturing the event on film. The 'on camera' reporter asked the Italian fire chief, "What are you going to do with all that money?"
"Wella," said Chief Pasquale, the 70-year-old fire chief, "de fursta tinga we gonnna do isza fixa de brakes on dat truck!!"

^^ Fix it again, Tony!

if a dog wears his coat in the winter, what does he wear in the summer?

his coat, and pants.

A photon checks into a hotel and the bellhop asks him if he can help with his luggage. The photon says no thanks, I'm traveling light.

,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

Well ya see, it's like this.. A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. This is why you always feel smarter after three or four drinks.


rs,
Tack

Originally Posted by Tack

Well ya see, it's like this.. A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. This is why you always feel smarter after three or four drinks.


rs,
Tack

Cliff Claven! From one of my all time favorite shows - Cheers! That was hilarious!

And the always classic welcoming lines for when Norm walks into the bar.

Everybody: "Norm!!! What's up...?"

Norm: "It's a dog eat dog world and I'm wearing Milk Bone underwear..."

Or, "Norm...what's shakin'?"

Norm: "All four cheeks and a couple of chins.....!"

heres some of my favorites.

1. A horse walks into a bar. Several people get up and leave as they saw the potential for danger.

2. Ask me if I am an orange.
"Are you an orange?"
Nope I'm a person

3. Whats red and smells like blue paint?
Red paint.

4. A gorilla walks into a bar and orders a banana martini. The bartender thinks this is a little weird and realizes he is dreaming. He wakes from his dream and begins to tell his wife about his strange dream. His wife just ignores him, the man rolls over to sob because he realizes that his marriage is in shambles.

5. A man walks into a bar. His alcohol dependency is tearing his family apart.

6. An owl and a squirrel are sitting in a tree, watching a farmer go by. The owl turns to the squirrel and says nothing because owls can't talk. The owl then eats the squirrel because owls are birds of prey.

7. Whats red and bad for your teeth? A brick.

8.Whats green and has wheels? Grass, I lied about the wheels.

9. What do a duck and a bicycle have in common? They both have handlebars except the duck.

10. What do a banana and a helicopter have in common? Neither of them is a police officer.

11. Why isn't Helen Keller a good driver? She's dead.

12. What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?

13. Why did the old woman put rainbow roller skates on her walker? She has dementia.